It's long ladies.. but I just have to share!!..
God is so good, and at times, his wisdom comes in like a flood! Ask and you shall receive...
I have realized now, that my defensiveness has got to go. I never thought that I would've waited for a husband so long that I would end up angry with the Lord because he didn't deliver. But this is exactly what happened to me.
I've waited, what seems like forever to be brought together with my husband, and, at some point, after I felt I really couldn't wait anymore, I became very hard hearted, and bitter. At times I've been on this roller coaster where I've repented of the anger ... and waited... and wondered, become frustrated again, and then angry again, and going before the Lord crying because I was angry again.
I've learned that it is very hard to relax and let go when pain gets in the way. I reached a point somewhere when I really felt God had abandoned me. Though this has NEVER been true, the hurt was there just the same. I got angry. In order to cover up the pain, I stayed angry I got angry and my defenses went sky high. If anybody tried to give me the singlness lecture again, I was ready to bolt for the door. I was ready to defend my position, and let my nerves show. I would go home and cry to the Lord that it wasn't fair.
I forgot to be still and know that He is God. I forgot that a cheerful heart is good medicine. I forgot that I could go to Him when I was heavyladen and He would give me rest. I became so defensive that I shut God out. I let myself be so angry that I had taken my one lifeline and severed it. I then wondered why nothing changed in my life.
"And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free..."
The truth is that narriage scares me so much that I have set up my own personal blockades against it. I have deliberately set myself up for failure, and then secretly been relieved when there was no responsability involved. Am I really afraid of failure, or success? I don't think I'm afraid of failure because when a person fails, they've got nowhere else to go but up... and this feels good. it feels triumphant, it feels heroic, and it feeds the perpetual adrenaline IV stuck in me.
I'm always looking for reasons to be on some emotial high Getting engaged and getting married are about as emotially high as a person can get. So what happens when the high wares off and I have to come down? I don't want to fall from that kind of high-- it's gonna hurt! If I can stay down low, I never have to worry about falling down, and experiencing the impact of hitting the ground.
The longing to get married creates a steady stream of adrenaline that keeps flowing through me. The seething emotions that come with the longing create more adrenaline, and the anger creates a lot of wining and complaining, which gets me a lot of empathy, and pats on the back, and counsel that I can analyze to death. This makes me feel incredibly heroic because of this never ending struggle I go through... which seems to be a struggle that I've created myself.
Ladies, this is a sickening pattern, but there you have it... my own prescription for avoiding responsibility and staying just low enough that I never expereince the impact of really... failing. I am afraid of failure. So if i can warm up to it, and make it my friend, I won't feel the impact of the fall. So what happens if I succeed? will I do nothing but wait for the other shoe to drop? Will I be waiting to fail? If I get married, how do I keep from "waiting" to get divorced?
It is true, I've had a terrible time being content with being single, because I Really Do want to be married. But the few men that've been attracted to me, I didn't want, and the few that I've wanted, haven't wanted me...perfect... no responsibility!
(sick).
There's one final element that the Lord has been dealing with me about that has pretty much sabbotaged me knowing Mr. Right. Somewhere along the way, I decided that i did not want children, and began telling everybody. There's just one thing... this is not true. I am in NO hurry to have any kids... but it isn't that I don't want them (or at least one). If I didn't have any kids, this would be fine, but it isn't that I don't want them period. The real truth is, this petrifies me more that gtting married itself. In my endless pursuit to try and control my life, I've given in to the backwards philossophy that says "I can barely take care of myself, how am I going to raise a kid?"
I can't take care of myself at all. Only God can do that. Do I believe this or not? God can take care of me perfectly, and also any children I had. I can say this or write it, but do I believe it? I'm just too scared of things I can't control. My fear of having children relates directly to my disability. Cerebral Palsy is not hereditary. It's an injury to the brain that happens at birth, usually because odf a lack of oxygen. Just because this happened to me, does not mean it will happen to my babies. On the other hand, this can happen to any child, whether the parents are disabled or not. If my children were disabled, I wouldn't love them any less (and God wouldn't either). This is easy to say, but hard to really take the risk. How could I not want something that I want so much? The heart is deceitful above all else, isn't it?
My defenses have also killed any gentleness, kindness, self-control and most other fruits of the spirit that the Lord finds attractive. I realize now that a fear of failure and a fear of responsibility will only keep me in a sort of "prison" I have built myself, and my defenses will only shut the Lord out. I had not intended for any of this to happen, but God has known that it was there all the time. He'll never give me more than I can bare.
A couple weeks ago, I was listening to James Dobson. His topic was marriage, specifically, the woman who believes she's supposed to be married, but she isn't. He asked one woman on the pannel (who was in her forties) whether or not she had "come to terms" with where the Lord had her. She was very gracious, and said through tears that it had been a difficult walk, but she knew that God was sovereign. This broke my heart. Not because this woman was crying, but because, how it must greive God's heart when we take the gifts he gives to us, and reduce them down to things we have to "come to terms with." The strange thing is, it had never really ocurred to me like that before. All due respect to James Dobson for his empathy. It was simply that a light went on.
So, I get to surrender and settle down... what a treat! No need to get excited. No need for an adrenaline IV. I get to allow Him to cover me with his love, and I don't need to cover all my bases and think I've got it altogether. How nice! Even this moment is a gift, and I am not being "deprived" of anything. Praise God... this has not been an eternity, only a season. And I can't wait to see what He has in store for me!
