A couple days ago, I read a poem by Ted Hughes.
I forget what it was called, but it was out of "Birthday Letters," so I know it was written to his wife, who, of course, was Sylvia Plath. Huges talked about how Sylvia would fill up places inside her with any "god's" she could find (the place that her dad had left in her when he died).
Seems like he was saying that they would come out of "magazines," and current events, and she would invent them for herself, and then burn the angst of needing her father by being perfect (accademically, for example).
I've done this all my life... not tried to excell accademically, but created god's. They wer people I could "put" inside someplace, to sort of make the loneliness less lonely, take away the fear... help bridge the horrible insecurity. Sort of like the way Marylin Monroe would imagine that Clark Gable was her father (So I've read). Now, I imagined things with Clark Gable, certainly... but he was never my father! No no no... he was my husband and lover, my lifelong companion who cherrished me... made me feel safe.
Anyway, I've done this same thing with countless other men... none of them have been my father. I had my daddy (still do) and would not let anyone take that place; but there was still a huge gap in my life. The"god's that I would create to fill my void were men such as Buddy Holly, Julian Lennon, Kirk Cameron, Ralph Fiennes, Zak Baggans, (Ghost adventures), Anderson Cooper and Robert Taylor (old Hollywood). These guys all seemed to have keen, sensitivity to the needs of others, young, handsome, "heroes" on some crusade to find something... not kill a villian in a movie, but recover something that they'd lost in real life. They were all men who seemed to understand what it meant to hurt and be afraid. The men I was around at home did not... or they were not there at all If a man was past a certain age, I would not imagine him in this way... soon he would die and leave me (this supposed to be forever, you know?)
I think my prolem now is that I don't know how to be in love with a real man... in a real relationship. All I know is how to imagine everything and store it somewhere inside my head, and then LONG for it, and wish it would come. When I have had boyfriends (rare), all of my devotion (inside) has gone to them, and my need for these "god's" would almost disappear (until things got too rocky for a time.) No mental "affairs" or anything, just the reminder, the safety net, the "proof" that things in my life wouldn't always be rocky.
You know, the weird thing, is that Christians (me) say "This is why you need God." He fills those voids, He fills those empty places, He gives us what we need so we don't need to lean on anything else. I didn't used to think this was weird... but now I do. This used to be my refuge (and all I needed to know) but somehow, things are different now. It isn't that I don't believe God, but I still have to get honest and face my issues. I know I'm not condemned for any of this, I think it's just part of being human.
I know that God knows this. The thing is, nobody at church seems to. This is one of those grey areas that, by default, people are supposed to just tell you that you need to trust God I do. But I still, have created my own "gods" to fill in gaps. (Gaps that He already bridged with his death, right?) :) So, now what? Is this just the part of me that God designed for a husband saying "fill me," or what? Those at church don't seem to think so. I must say, I agree with 'em. I never want to resent anyone that I married for the wrong reasons because I THOUGHT I was doing the right thing. Wow... what do I do? :)
