Simple

Today, Dr. Phil was on in the background as I was doing other things, and he was talking to parents of teens who were dressing provocatively and having sex too early. Again, I was not even going to write in a blog today, but, if I don't my head will explode, so here goes.

At the end of the show he spoke to a woman via polycom. This woman stated that she had taught her children that sex is a special privilege that should be reserved for marriage only. She also stated that she did not feel that her children needed to go through sex education because of the foundation she had given her kids all their lives. Dr. Phil actually got angry with this woman and told her that this was "absurd," and then proceeded to get angry at her because "he DID raise his kids in a Godly home, and it's just ridiculous that we would not teach our kids how to equip themselves for the real world out there" (or something to that affect). This lady had more to say, but Dr. Phil cut her off and would not let her finish. Interesting. No one was accusing Dr. Phil of not raising their boys correctly, but he took great offense to this woman's opinion, raised his voice and got angry. Why? That's crazy, in my opinion. He would not let her finish, and then called what she had to say "absurd.". Dr. Phil is a fair man that let's his guests give their opinions, yes? So what was the problem with this opinion? Who said that he had to agree with her?; that's not a requirement.

I found myself so angry because I feel he made a fool out of this woman. No one has to agree with what she said if they don't want to... But I do! Actually, my mother did both with me: she taught me that sex is a special privilege reserved for married adults (as in not teens). She began teaching me this at a very young age, and then, when I was the ripe, old age of eleven :), she allowed me to go through the sex education that was offered, because she knew I had a foundation that let me know where my boundaries already were. So, it was very simple for me, because the dilemma was all taken out of it. Sex? WAIT. period. Really easy.

Today, I'm proof that, yes you can wait, it's better to wait, and you will not only survive, but you will thrive, and you'll be totally fine. I know, because I've done it. It has been my honor to save myself because I'm too proud of the woman I have come to be to give all of myself to someone not interested in giving all of themselves to me. I'm worth too much to do that. To be very clear, I am not putting anyone down who hasn't had this sort of experience. I'm simply saying that I know that the right man will rise to the level of expectation. If not, then I can move on, it's very easy.

Yes, I've heard all sorts of arguments about lack of self control and hormones, and all that, but I can tell you this; I was a counselor at a pregnancy care center for about five years, and many many ladies came to talk to me in tears because they were wishing they had used a little more self control. Many teens came to me wracked with anxiety because they were suddenly faced with the idea of forever being a parent. What was more alarming to me, was the frightening amount of "normalcy" that these girls (a lot of them 12 and 13 as well) would apply to experimenting with sex, coming and taking the test,, being so thrilled that the test happened to be negative and then "playing with fire" again.

What would break my heart is that these precious young ladies would give all their power away for the sake of feeling as though they had some (power, that is). Yes, they all wanted to be... wanted and liked. Absolutely! Everyone does! So they would give in to their raging hormones, and a society that says that this is inevitable ("They're just going to do it anyway.")', and the boredom that would come from being latch key kids, and they would figure that at least they could feel good for maybe a minute and a half, and then their boyfriend would stay with them, right? In so many cases... That was not the case. To make the deception worse, many of these women, whether teens or not, would be fooled into thinking that if they became pregnant, they could just go get an abortion. Now, if a woman becomes pregnant, she can choose to have an abortion, that's true. But abortion really is about so much more than the "power" of choice.

There are choices we make because we're free to make them, and then there are choices we make because we have to. When a woman say's no to sex because there is not a permanent marriage commitment behind it, she's then free to move on with her, life, her job, her travels, college, the things she enjoys while anticipating something much better because she values herself enough to do so. Personally, this is my kind of power. She's in control of the end of the story. She knows they'll be time for marriage and babies, but she gets to make sure that it's the right time.

When a woman, particularly a teenager becomes pregnant, her "adult" actions have now locked her into a dilemma: Do I have the baby or do I abort the baby? She is now faced with serious "decisions" about, life, death, morals, ethics, values, a boyfriend who often has left her with all the responsibility, marriage, divorce, money, how to raise a child, all the changes that come with being pregnant, and much more, all before the baby is even born. So now, the "choices" are coming at her from every direction, but that doesn't mean that she's emotionally prepared to make them. If she aborts the baby, this is a choice that cannot be undone, and I had many clients tell me that the heartbreak and guilt that follow are not worth the freedom that they believed the abortion would give them. In other words these women became "bound" to a guilt and pain they had never bargained for, and freedom actually had little to do with it. Add to all this the fact that this person is still a kid whose brain isn't even through growing yet. Tremendous responsibility.

I say, mentor a kid and give them something to do that keeps them busy. Get them serving those around them so they can be a part, and learn their worth and the worth of others. Help them learn a work ethic so that they learn the value of earning things in life. To me, it actually has very little to do with teaching them not to have sex. It's about teaching them to care for others, and value their feelings, have empathy. There's nothing more satisfying than earning something after working hard for it. Teenagers especially need a sense of empowerment, not another form of fear that they have to figure out how to live with. All my opinion, of course, but there ya go.

Friends

I just read a FB post that talked about being very careful who your friends are if you're married. If you have a "friend" of the opposite sex and you tell things to this friend that you do not tell your spouse... This is dangerous. It said that affairs don't start in the bedroom. They begin with emails, text's, calls, FB posts, and many other things that have nothing to do with sleeping together.

I personally have a rule that if I'm FB friends with a man who is engaged or married, I'm also friends with his fiancee'/ wife as well. This way, it's not a situation where only he knows me, and there's no chance that the two of us COULD say or do anything inappropriate because he has accountability, and my mutual respect for both of them is the guard that keeps me in check... I'M NOT GOING THERE! :). I once was seeing a counselor who was a guy... a young guy.

Nothing happened, except what I went in there for; he was helping me work things out... But I stopped going there. It was on the pretext of not being able to afford it, but I stopped going because I realized it was the perfect fuel for starting a fire, if you will. He was a young guy, getting his master's degree, and here I was, face to face with him in a room, alone, telling him about personal things going on at home. I'm not saying that I was attracted to him. In truth, I wasn't, particularly... but no one ever plans to do anything inappropriate, ya know? Now I'm single, of course. I knew he was not married, but did not know whether he had a girlfriend or not. Anyway, the situation reached a different level of uncomfortable when he had me doing these breathing exercises to alleviate anxiety. A great idea... But not under those circumstances. I mean, whether I was attracted to him or not, the breathing exercises had me thinking about doing things (we) shouldn't be! STOP!! :).

I realize now that whether he was single or not wasn't the issue. The honest truth is that I'm single and am hoping to find someone, and I need to take responsibility for the fact that there is a high amount of vulnerability there. Let's face it, nothing makes a woman melt more than when a sensitive guy will allow her to cry with him and spill all of her most intimate dilemmas in front of him. Be careful! :).

There's another situation in my life that I've needed to get away from. This one a bit more serious. Ladies, if you don't drive and you need rides home from church, my advice would be do not take rides home with a single guy who's around your age! Now, in my situation, I thought that this guy liked me, because he'd been talking to me at the singles group we'd started and then gave me his number. It turned out he lived right around the corner from me, too. But, to make the story very short... He had no intentions of a relationship with me... He was just trying to do me a favor. Dammit! Okay, in retrospect, I'm glad that it did not work out. But I ended up having to separate myself from that situation, because I was then left with an attraction to someone that I could do nothing about. I stuck with it for a long time, because nobody wants to leave their church... but the situation escalated, and I found it was too precarious to try and stay away from him. I noticed a resentment building in me... and I knew... This is not good! This unhealthy situation became like a rotten apple that was spoiling the whole barrel. I finally realized... This is not something that try and "solve"... sometimes, you need to just run!

Goodness! I kept thinking "what if this were your job? You wouldn't just leave your job, would you?". The answer is... No. I would not JUST leave my job. But I will say this: I think marriage is war. I honestly do. It's war, that we fight to say to our spouse, "I love you. I'm coming home to you: and I won't let anything interfere with that. Therefore, I might need to walk away from that job, because of the "fire" that has been "smoldering" that could potentially "blow up" and ruin us both. Now, I sound like I'm nuts, don't I? And here come the excuses: we need the money; I'll be letting all these people down, etc, etc. Listen ladies, that man that you have become one with... Needs you to stay that way (as best you can). If something's on fire, you wouldn't pour gasoline on it, right? Oddly enough, I learned most of these things in the church which I no longer attend :). Strange. But when there's a "war" going on, sometimes we need to take extraordinary measures to protect ourselves and others. In my case, there are two other people involved... The guy that I have no business marrying... and the guy that I someday will marry. Is being stuck on the wrong guy keeping me from knowing the right one (probably).

We live and we learn, yes...but according to Eric and Leslie Ludy, we can learn to protect our marriage before it even begins. Set guidelines for the opposite sex (friendships) and stick to them. Even before you're married. Think of your future spouse and ask yourself how they would feel if you... (fill in the blank). The book is called "When God Writes your Love Story.". Now, this is radical, isn't it it? But I think that when you find that someone you really want to love...love them radically, with everything you have! :)

Guidelines

Online, there are a lot of outlines or guidelines for what men say they want in women. Being that I'm a Christian woman, I looked at some guidelines for what a Christian man would want (generally). I looked at a few, and became overwhelmed rather quickly. Honestly, I thought

"I'd have to be Superwoman to do all those things."

Now, there's nothing wrong with guidelines, in fact, it's good to have at least a general idea of what someone wants. But it was what the lists did not say that made my heart drop a little. I saw things like: "She must serve in her local church and be further dedicated to some further source of ministry for all Christians." Okay...fine. That's a great idea. "She must take care of herself physically and look presentable.". Sure. I agree. This is also a good idea. "She must be willing to stay home with our kids and raise them up in the word of God.". Of course... This would be most ideal, would it not. I know, if I had kids, I would be brokenhearted if I could not stay home with them and bring them up. They're only kids once and it goes by so quickly, too! These are all great things to keep in mind. However, my mind started racing because I feel empathy for the things that our amazing men (Christian or not) might not be taught to consider.

Okay, now, I was looking at the guidelines of Christian guys, because I am one, as I said. But the guidelines of these Christian guys(bless their hearts) really turned me off, if you will. I even found an article that explicitly instructed that if a guy wanted to have enough money to provide (Biblically) for his family, he MUST have a career in math or science, and apparently, there are no exceptions (???). This same article even encouraged women to stay away from guys who want to get into... (there was a list of careers that included Psychology and Human Services and teaching, and others that I can't remember). I found myself thinking, "This is entering into the realm of ridiculous!". For the record, I agree that math and science careers generally bring in good money... But I DO NOT agree that these are the only career fields a man should get into in order to provide for his wife.

Guys, listen...I am not going to now write a list of "guidelines" that I really believe women want. I just feel that there are important principles to keep in mind that can help tremendously. It's about getting to know HER. Some guys are trying to get to know what they WANT her to BECOME before they even meet her. Now there's no crime in this...everyone does it sometimes (girls too). But when it all comes down, guys and girls seem to both want the same thing... To be loved and respected for who they really are. I wouldn't want to try and speak for all of woman-kind when I explain. I can only speak for myself. I know, for me, the one thing I want most from a guy is patience. Now, it's an interesting thing because, when I'm hoping for a guy to say that he likes me... This is the longest wait of my life! Guys, if you wanna tell her you like her... please do! In my opinion, there seems to be something a guy likes about keeping a girl in suspense and just knowing that she's holding her breath for him. I'm not trying to cruel, just my honest opinion. I think a woman's best bet is to fall in love with herself... and stay that way. She won't have to do anything... all she has to do is be. I've heard it said before that guys wish they had a clue as to whether or not a girl liked them. My problem is, I've always been afraid to give a guy any indication. If you chase a guy... he'll run, right? Isn't this the opposite of what you want? So, I back away, so he can step into the space. But I think that he just ends up thinking I don't like him. Goodness sakes!

My feeling is, if he's hoping that she likes him, he should check it out a little. Has she said anything in particular to him? (even if it doesn't seem like much?). Has she talked to anyone else about him? Does she build him up and encourage him? These are huge! Anyway, once the big question of "Do we like each other?" is out of the way, I want patience in a guy. There should be disposition about him that says, "I'm not angry with you.". To put it another way: "You're safe with me.". A big part of this, is me knowing that I'm safe with him on a BAD day. This is the one thing that those articles didn't say. Listen guys... she's not Superwoman. She's flesh and bone, and she gets worn out just like you do. She won't always look presentable. When she wakes up in the morning, her hair is messed up and her breath skinks. Many times, she's just worn out and needs a shoulder to cry on. Does she want to have kids at some point? Always ask her (if that happens to be something that's in your plans at some point.) Obviously, these are not things anyone brings up on a first, or second date! These are for later after you've known her for awhile. Part of the model I saw in the articles I read, was talking about the way these guys wanted their kids raised.

Now, kids are an important topic. I'm not saying worry about following a formula. Just keep it in mind that most of the best women...do not fit the mold. The best women, are not what you'll typically find. Chances are, you'll be in love with her because of what's different about her, right? Ironic, isn't it? We make guidelines so that we know what we're looking for, and then best admire (often) the people who don't fit into them! Crazy! :). Anyway, in my opinion, the 3 most important words a guy can say to a woman are "Thank you sweetie!". That and... "You're wonderful darling!". This helps her know you appreciate her, and helps her feel safe.

It seems to me, that it really isn't too much different with guys. They want to be able to do things at their own pace; they want to be trusted and they want respect. This according to several men older than I am whose opinion I respect. These same men also explained to me that men don't appreciate being instructed. To me, once a man knows and trusts a woman well enough, he'll allow her to instruct him... But I'd imagine it probably rather challenging for a man to "give up" his natural desire to be independent and "hunt" for himself and just do his own thing. So girls, just always be his cheerleader! Be honest with him, but choose your words carefully. Always stack any criticism between two layers of praise so he's not afraid to just "be" with you. He has to feel safe with you. No different than a woman, right? I think the difference is in the way the two are carried out, yes?

Think it all boils down to this: Guys don't like to be put into a mold because they need their freedom. Women don't like to be put into a mold because it means they are predictable and boring. And guys, here's a tip: Her biggest fear is that you'll find some reason(s) that you are bored with her and no longer satisfied and then you'll find some reason to reject her. As long as she can keep you intrigued by her mystery, you'll keep your interest and "awe" of her. This is what she craves more than anything --for you to be in "awe" of her and treasure her above all else. Obviously, this takes time and dedication to get to know her. Guys naturally will "solve" things and then move on, right? Of course... this is as it should be. Never with a woman. We love you Mister (whoever you are). We don't ever want you to walk away, but if you ever "solved" us completely, why would you want to stay? Hence the "mystery" that a woman is. The scary thing for a guy is that he knows he'll never fully figure it out, so he gives into it. If you need further proof of that, just watch "It's A Wonderful Life.". But maybe the biggest mystery of all, is that a guy is most intrigued when a woman is simply being herself, and not trying anything.

Ladies, personally, I would go to my heavenly Father and pray for guidance on being the woman that he has made you to be (just because you're amazing all by yourself). But even if you're not particularly spiritually inclined... Sometimes your guidelines can trap you more than they can free you. Guys... same thing. Sometimes, you can accomplish more by letting go than planning and stratagizing and attempting to have all your "ducks in a row," as they say. But, on that note (and then I'll close) guys. THANKYOU for the sincere effort you put into us. It is not easy, is it? What can we women do, if anything, to simplify it? Or is it best to leave you alone? Girls, it's scary for him to step up. Guys, it's scary for her to back off and trust you to take control (gently, patiently). In my opinion, it's more effective to just keep these things in mind rather than to develop this unchanging "image" of what it seems you want, and then miss out on the most fabulous person you could ever know. (This is for both guys and girls) :). Until next entry, take care!

TS (C) December, 2012.

The Twinkie Defense

I've heard it said that Americans care more about the fact that Hostess stopped making Twinkies (and everything else) then they did about all the violence in Israel.

I don't see how any of us cannot be aware of all that's going on in Israel, considering that every time we turn on the radio or TV.... There it is. It's terrible, it's tragic, and to many of us, it's unbelievably scary.

I don't think it's any mystery that so many seem to be panicking and don't know where to turn. As a result, I think many of us need a reason to be distracted. World famous Twinkie defense to the rescue! Come on, I mean who doesn't remember growing up eating those spongy, golden, cream-filled delights? They were originally created in 1930', during the Great Depresson, and were filled with banana cream. Just a little snack cake, inexpensive and soooo good in your mouth (aren't they)? A little piece of Heaven in a shiny wrapper (at least, they have been as long as I've been alive). Perfect. An escape... A release... and what an awesome name! The way it just kinda makes you smile when ya say it. Apparently, the name was taken from a billboard that said "Twinkle Toes.". Well folks, it doesn't get happier than that. Let's face it, Twinkies remind us of when we were kids! There are tons of nostalgia attached to those golden, spongy, cream-filled delights. (I just love to say that, don't you?). So, when faced with the possibility that these could be gone forever, we thought, if nothing else, we can rush to the store and grab what's left on the shelves, or look up a recipe to make our own.

This isn't much, but it's tangible, it's manageable, it's been a little something we could all do to try to keep the happiness alive. We could post pictures all over Facebook and Twitter, and people were happy to see them. It's a far cry from bloody bodies and bombs going off and distraught people running and screaming in the streets. Let's face it...it's awful beyond comprehension...so must of us are just glad we can't comprehend it. What do we possibly do about THAT??? Now please don't think I mean anything unkind here. It's just that being disappointed about Twinkis seems much more welcoming than worrying about bombs in Israel, or recession, or depression, or losing all we have in a disaster. The Twinkie, I think, represents just a few bites of welcomed relief in the middle of awful chaos. So, if we could run to the store and buy a box or a package, maybe we just wanted to keep the relief effort going.

Magic

I remember hearing a story about actress Natalie Wood when she was filming the movie "Miracle on 34th Street.". At the time, Wood was only eight or nine. During the course of filming, she really believed that character actor Edmond Gwen really was Santa, with his white hair and beard...("Oh, go ahead, pull it."). When filming wrapped and the cast came together for a party, Gwen had shaved his head and also his white beard. He showed up at the party as a normal guy... Not Santa Claus. Apparently, little Natalie was crushed because she'd truly come to believe that Gwen really was Santa. But he wasn't.

I remember feeling so bad. What a rotten way for her to find out! This was supposed to be a writing about victory.... But it's actually rather depressing. So, what is the point of that? Childlike belief made Santa Claus real not only to Susan (in the movie), but to Natalie herself. This is how belief in Jesus works. Our childlike faith makes him real to us. And the wonderful part is, we never have to find out that Jesus is just an actor! Now, the Christian life is a serious thing, but the wonderful mystery of Christ, is that he's the one who makes it possible to Know God without having all our ducks in a row. It's amazing because the whole "Miracle" story is representative of Christ. Here you have this little girl, whose mother is diligently trying to raise to be an adult. So, in sincere attempt to do this, she has attempted to do away with anything make believe or childlike. As she herself words it:

"by filling them full of fairy tales, they grow up considering life a fantasy
instead of a reality. They keep waiting for Prince Charming to come along, and
and when he does, he turns out to be a--"

At this point, Fred Gaylee has to say:

"We were talking about Suzy, here, not about you."

Doris (Susan's mom) is in charge of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. At the end, of course is always jolly old St. Nick. So, Susan sits in Mr. Gaylee's apartment and explains how each balloon has been changed from last year's parade to reflect this year's characters. Of course Mr. Gaylee makes his remark about the baseball player (balloon) is a "giant". Mother's firmly planted defenses come to light when Suzy gives her answer:

"Not really-- there are no giants Mr. Gaylee. People sometimes grow very big, but that's normal."

It is at this point that we learn that Suzy does not know any fairy tales and does not believe in Santa Claus. Now, there's nothing wrong with her rather "literal" answers, but the point is that Mr. Gaylee wasn't talking about real Giants, he was using that word to describe the balloon. But Suzy's inability to pretend or imagine wouldn't let her know that.
So later, when Mr. Kringle comes to work at Macy's, he finds out that Suzy never plays any games with the other kids in her apartment building.

"I don't play much with them. They play silly games."

Suzy then tells the story of the kids playing zoo and pretending to be animals. Kris tells her that the other children were only children, and they were pretending to be animals. It is then that Kris gives Suzy her first lesson in pretending. He shows her how to let her arms hang loose and be a monkey. For a few glorious moments, Suzy forgets how serious she was being and genuinely enjoys nothing but play. Suddenly, nothing is expected of her and she does not have to come up with an answer for anything. During the filming of the movie, Natalie got to believe that Santa Claus existed for a while. Sure, that part of the story has a sad ending, but even the sad things in life are meant to teach us something.

All I'm really trying to say, is that sometimes we just have to take a chance and believe. We can't wait until we have all our ducks in a row... Because they never will be. The best things in life usually have no manual or philosophy or rules. In these cases we have to use our own imaginations, and... Make it up as we go! I'm not talking about being uncaring. I just think that as hard as we work to keep all bad things out, the flip side is that we're not allowing anything good in either. I think it really is like Mr. Gaylee says:

"Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to.".

I'm just so thankful to God that my life is full of magical little moments; moments that are sort of like when Suzy got to pull Santa's beard, she see's that it's real! For one moment, a childlike joy fills her eyes, and she has her first evidence that...it might be true!! :). The same is true for our faith. God can take the absolute smallest speck of it... And water it with his love and make it grow! Little things... Perhaps things that don't seem to mean anything at the time;

A DJ on the radio, a you Tube video, a piece of mail, or an instant message, a visit from a friend, plans that are cancelled (maybe what you end up doing is more important). But there comes a turning point, and something changes. Somehow, a light goes on, and you're different than you were before. I suspect your life is full of them too... Of course! All these moments put together create some kind of magic. We can't explain it... But it's there! That "magic" is God... saying ...

"I'm here. And I love you!"

I'll bet somewhere inside you, there is a mustard seed...something that still believes...in magic!

Ask God to water it for you.

Take care my friend.

The Dating Thing

The last boyfriend I had, I had graduated high school, but barely. Now I'm in my mid thirties and have not been in a relationship since. I didn't plan it this way. It's not like I woke up one morning and decide to just never date anyone else. Then again, maybe I did...I don't know. Maybe unconsciously, I decided when that break up happened that I never really wanted anyone else and that's exactly what happened. I don't know...I think there's a vibe we send out. Sometimes I try to change mine, but it doesn't seem to work... I just am who I am. I'm proud of who I am but something is keeping guys away. I've been wondering what that is. Is it my intensity? Is it that I seem easily upset? I try not to, but, well you know how it is when you try not to do something! :)

There's only one guy I've ever wanted to be with anyway (whoever he is). I just wanted to meet the guy I was supposed to marry and stay with him forever... The end. (Some people do that, ya know!). Anyway, it hasn't happened yet! :). Sometimes this relieves me and sometimes it scares me. Sometimes I honestly think there is something really wrong with me. I really was in love with my high school sweetheart. I really thought I wanted to marry him. When we abruptly broke up, it was like it took a chunk of my soul away. I hurt bad for a long time. It seemed even when I didn't want to hurt anymore over him, I still did. I began to seriously wonder if something was wrong with me. Other people got over each other, right?

So, all these years later, I'm still single. I could be politically correct and tell you that there's nothing wrong with being single. But I'd rather not. I feel in my bones that I'm supposed to be with someone, and as long as he isn't with me, this is like a missing peace from my life... And that hurts. This is how I honestly feel about it, and I don't know how else to put it. This is not really a married or single thing, it's just a me thing. Anyway, ladies be proud of who you are whether you're married or single. :). Anyway, the whole dating thing kinda sucks for me because there's too much anxiety involved. What a roller coaster! You get your hopes up thinking this might be THE one, and then they crash (because he obviously wasn't). Who needs that? Yeah, you gotta get to know somebody, but why does it need to be "set up"? Why can't you just get to know somebody? I mean, if someone goes on a date & that works for them, that's great. I'm just saying I do things a little differently. If you are in love with somebody, why can't you just tell them? Is it wrong for women to do this or not? I've heard so much about how guys need to make that first move. I'm still waiting... That's why I'm wondering... Is it okay to just tell a guy how you feel or not? Will he not respect you once you do? If I wait for him to do it it might never happen! (I've had GUYS tell me this before!)

Strange. There are no rules, yet there are a whole bunch of written rules that no one can ever really teach you. How are you supposed to know what to do? Can you count on the guy to know what to do? (I've been told no, by both girls & guys). I'm so confused. I thought I was pretty good at "reading" people, but evidently not! Angles groups don't help. My one major experience with a singles group was a painful one... And I never want it repeated. I really fell for one of the guys there. I thought I was supposed to be with him... That we were divinely meant for ach other, and then I found out that he was interested in my friend instead. No one ever told me about it. I felt so betrayed. My "friend" and I don't speak to this day because we have no idea what to say to each other. I've prayed and hoped for the best for a long time... And it doesn't seem to be enough. I'm sad to say that. Di I wanna say that God is not enough? No. But I think he wants me to go through this for some reason. It's like I'm supposed to question all this and find it out... And blog about it. The blogs are great... But in the end, I want a really sweet guy too! :) :)

The Song of Songs

The Song of Songs, which is Solomons:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for thy love is better than wine.

Because of the savor of thy good ointments, thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore, do the virgins love thee. Draw me; we will run after thee: the King hath brought me into his chambers.

We will be glad, and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee; I am black, but comely

Where can I get the courage to live the life God wants me to live?

Really. This is not a rhetorical question.

How do i stop measuring my life based on what I DON'T have?

What do I mean?

I'm 34...I have no job, no car, no husband.

Depressed yet?, because I am already.

I'd checked the Facebook page of a friend I had since Kindergarden, and she'd posted the status:

"Missing my love :("

I'll admit, I got a twinge of jealousy.
I have no love to miss. I can dream about him, which is nice, but I have no love to miss.
I've always ached somehow because of this.
The truth is, I'm not happy with my life the way t is, and i don't know how to say that I am.
I'm not here to say that a husband would magically fix that.
I know God knows what's best for me, and if singleness is a gift, I do wish I could accept it as such.
I remember back when i was in high school, my dad encouraging me to try to get my disability money.
"You qualify for it, he would say, you should try and get it."
So, I did, and, about six years later, I got it. I ws proud of myself, like I had a sense of accomplishment. But now, about 12 years later, I just feel burned out... on nothing. That's the weird part: I always seem to be asking myself
"What have I done with all this time?"

I'm always writing things that never seem to get finished.
They're always "in process" or "in transition."
For about five years, I was a client advocate at a pregnancy care center, and helped may women struggling with unplanned pregnancies.

I developed a tender spot for the teen girls who were having sex just so some young kid would stay with them. (When you're that age, you don't think you're a kid, ya know). Then they would come to me, thinking a baby was on the way...scared to death. (What do I do?) If they weren't pregnant, could tell them that they could now turn this around and require more of themselves (and the men they allowed to steal these little pieces of their hearts).

If they were pregnanat, I could assure them that God was with them and show them Psalm 139. Give them the kleenex box, and answer any questions they had. I saw many women get saved right there in the counseling room. It was an AMAZING thing to be able to do! But what did I do?
I reasoned that it wasn't "significant" enough because it was only two days a week and it was "volunteer" Translation: This wasn't a real job. We had a dress code, we all had name badges and I still reasoned that this wasn't a real job because there was no "paycheck." However I would look at it, this crippling inadequacy would "choke" me.
My dad always said to me, that I didn't really want a car as bad as I thought because once I got one, all I would do is pour money into it. I've seen him and my mom and my siblings all get sick of "pouring money" into vehicles they could never seem to pay off, only to have them fall apart, and them have to buy another one and start all over.
Is this difficulty that I've been spared? I suppose so, but I've never known the difference. All I've seemed to do is complain that waiting for the bus in the summer really bites, and then be embarressed when I need to be picked up or dropped off somewhere. The Lord has always provide for me in this way, and I've developed some awesome relationships too. But this was never enough for me. I always felt inadequette bwcause I couldn't do 80 on the freeway blasting Bob Sieger ("Roll Me Away"). Why couldn't I make car payments and insurance payments, and get gas every few days, and pay (how much?) when I need new breaks? Now, do I look at it this way? Of course not...I think it all boils down to "Why couldn't I be more like (what I felt was) everybody else?"
I had a friend once tell me that my tasking the bus everywhere and walking was independence too (and not to forget that). But this wasn't enough for me. I just got upset because I couldn't get up in the morning and drive myself to work.

Proper Ladies & Gentleman (Cont.)

"Well, I must've missed the passage in Emily Post that says 'All abuse is heaped on the mother of the bride.'" Well, okay, that's just a quote from the incredibly funny movie "Steel Magnolias. But speaking o Emily Post, does anon even know who she is today? She wrote the book (literally) on etiquette. What is etiquette? I don't know... That's the thing. I'd have to look the word up in the dictionary before I could tell you what it means. I just remember always believing that etiquette would be something I'd never have any use for. Etiquette meant knowing which fork to pick up during a very fancy, multiple course meal, or folding your pretty cloth napkin correctly (the one you went outside & blew your nose on). :) Well goodness...we live in world of paper plates, napkins & cups. My family eats dinner sitting on the living room sofa in front of the TV, while texting on their phone--as I know many people do. We've never had the sort of lifestyle that would give us the need for multiple forks and cloth napkins. :). But anyway, etiquette means so much more than that...and I have a feeling it's sorta like history. When I was required to learn about it in school, I could not have cared less...because I couldn't see why it was important. To me, these were just a bunch of events that had already happened, so why were we going over them now... Again?? Maybe etiquette is the same way. I can address someone (for example) any way I want, so why is it important (anyway, whose to say) what is the proper way to address certain people? But I've been thinking about this idea that I've talked about earlier in the blog of being "proper ladies and gentleman.". No I'm not thinking anything along the lines of eighteenth century British Aristocrasy. I'm speaking of simply being as well mannered as possible, gentle, kind, self controlled. So, I believe another look at the Biblical fruits of the spirit is in order as well. :). It would seem to me that (simply put), etiquette is a set of rules that teach us how to behave ourselves. However, right there is that ugly R word that most people (myself included) do not like. This is why, many people probably stay away from etiquette, (if they know what it is) :). Anyway, I want to look further into the subject...

Again...Simple

I know there is no list one can go by when comes to the whole guys and girls thing.
I think it's a good idea to just know that everyone has preferences... And try to know what they are.
Some of mine are like Pepsi, not Cke
Jewel tones... Not pastels (the jewel tones are the darker colors that really stand out.
CClassical music...no opera. (unless it's "Phantom of the Opera". This is the one opera that Iactually like & understand the story. No, I won't drag you to see it.
I never go to the movies just to see anything...There has to be some emotional attachment to it. The subject matter...the actors in it. I watCh preveiws and if I don't like them, then I don't go see the movie.
I have no objections to taking a huge purse having all our munchies in there...but every once in a while, if feels good to blow money on the movie theater popcorn...Yum
But hey...these are just some of my preferences that I can think of...trivial yes...but me.

To think of some others...let's see...
(These are more general)

First, guys, you gotta know, that we girls are wired to want you to show the way you love us...as much as possible. We love it! It creates these awesome sensations in us, goosebumps, warm fizzles tingled, bursts of joy that make us want scream out to the world that we have the most amazing guy in creation. We love you whether or not...yes;...
These are just some things that tickle us pink and make us wanna praise you to the skies:

Facebook her. Message her, and compliment her on her wall so everyone else can read it too.
Call her. If she doesn't answer, leave her a message. (just say..."hey, I love you."...See ya later. Purpose: Giving her warm fizzles and thrills of excitement!
Ask her if she'd like you bring home dinner (and what does she want.)
Clean the kitchen after she's cooked (We girls love it when there's less we have to do).
Praise her in front of others.
Give her thumbs up on her appearance (her hair, her make up, her clothes)
Speak gently to her (especially when she's not so gentle with you) because she may just need a soft place to fall
Give her hugs as much as you can. Purpose: This gives her comfort and makes her think the world of you.

Simple

Take it from Rori Raye

So, we (women) fall in love with ourselves...and men fall in love with us? Hmmm...If this is true, it explains a lot. No wonder this relationship thing hasn't worked for me! You know, I really believe that no woman wants to ADMIT that she's looking to a man to fulfill her...but I think most of us are. We know this is backwards; we know it's pollitically incorrect; we say we would NEVER do this... but deep inside, we believe that it works! We think that if we just keep our tenticles out, grab on, and then hold tight enough, eventually he will REALIZE how wonderful we are... and stop struggling!

Why do we do this??!!

I know that's twisted even as I write it... but somehow my mind is locked in that pattern of "struggle." Struggle...MAKE him want you; MAKE him fall in love with you; EXPLAIN to him why you two should be together... yeah, that's it; he just needs a talking to. I know that men don't want momma's, but I believe that most women NEED fathers. Oh dear...now I'm in trouble...but I think it's true. When we're little (both boys and girls), we want to please our daddies and make them proud of us. With our father's, were supposed to reach out, and know that he will catch us. we're supposed to COMMAND attention from him... and we get it! When this happens, it sends tigles through our whole body and makes us feel secure...like we're the most lucky girl in the world. We know that our daddy is the best person in the world and we feel like a princess. This confidence is supposed to help us stand on our own two feet and respect ourselves...and eventually we're fulfilled by our father's love (the best of that love) and don't need to command his attention anymore.

But what about those of us who don't have that experience? Maybe we never knew our dad's at all, or we knew (or have known) them in abusive ways? We're born commanding attention from our dads (which we want desperately); but what happens when we keep commanding and never receive? Do we command MORE? (whether we realize it or not)? If we're left empty, what do we stand on?

The hope that he will realize how wonderful we are.

We can't help it...it's just there. We must have his admiration and apporoval. We'll take the CRUMBS...we must have it...even if it's just a little. We have to prove to daddy that we're a gem!! For most of us girls, this need goes unmet, I think. We keep giving and giving in the hope that our daddy will recognize how wonderful we really are. Then, we become adults and we do the same thing we've always done... We hope and pray and hope and pray, with stars in our eyes. Maybe he'll like me. Maybe he'll love me forever... and if he doesn't, I can SHOW him how wonderful I am!

So we bend over backwards doing everything perfectly, just like we tried to do for dad...believing that somehow it will "pay off." Listen ladies, we need to stop commanding more from men, and start DEMANDING more of ourselves. So how do we do this? How do we heal the hole left by daddy and love ourselves so that we can have confidence and stand on our own two feet? The ironic thing is that this "Daddy" principle applies to God too. He LOVES to be sought. He want's to be sought. He loves it when we COMMAND attention from him. But, commanding attention from a man we wanna be in love with...won't woork. He doesn't like that. He's turned off by it. He pulls away. He feels like he hasn't ben qble to "win" her because she "gave" herself over to him too easily. Right? Goodness sakes...What's a girl to do? Listening to Rori Raye has helped a lot for me... but more on that later. :)