The Song of Songs

The Song of Songs, which is Solomons:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for thy love is better than wine.

Because of the savor of thy good ointments, thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore, do the virgins love thee. Draw me; we will run after thee: the King hath brought me into his chambers.

We will be glad, and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee; I am black, but comely

Where can I get the courage to live the life God wants me to live?

Really. This is not a rhetorical question.

How do i stop measuring my life based on what I DON'T have?

What do I mean?

I'm 34...I have no job, no car, no husband.

Depressed yet?, because I am already.

I'd checked the Facebook page of a friend I had since Kindergarden, and she'd posted the status:

"Missing my love :("

I'll admit, I got a twinge of jealousy.
I have no love to miss. I can dream about him, which is nice, but I have no love to miss.
I've always ached somehow because of this.
The truth is, I'm not happy with my life the way t is, and i don't know how to say that I am.
I'm not here to say that a husband would magically fix that.
I know God knows what's best for me, and if singleness is a gift, I do wish I could accept it as such.
I remember back when i was in high school, my dad encouraging me to try to get my disability money.
"You qualify for it, he would say, you should try and get it."
So, I did, and, about six years later, I got it. I ws proud of myself, like I had a sense of accomplishment. But now, about 12 years later, I just feel burned out... on nothing. That's the weird part: I always seem to be asking myself
"What have I done with all this time?"

I'm always writing things that never seem to get finished.
They're always "in process" or "in transition."
For about five years, I was a client advocate at a pregnancy care center, and helped may women struggling with unplanned pregnancies.

I developed a tender spot for the teen girls who were having sex just so some young kid would stay with them. (When you're that age, you don't think you're a kid, ya know). Then they would come to me, thinking a baby was on the way...scared to death. (What do I do?) If they weren't pregnant, could tell them that they could now turn this around and require more of themselves (and the men they allowed to steal these little pieces of their hearts).

If they were pregnanat, I could assure them that God was with them and show them Psalm 139. Give them the kleenex box, and answer any questions they had. I saw many women get saved right there in the counseling room. It was an AMAZING thing to be able to do! But what did I do?
I reasoned that it wasn't "significant" enough because it was only two days a week and it was "volunteer" Translation: This wasn't a real job. We had a dress code, we all had name badges and I still reasoned that this wasn't a real job because there was no "paycheck." However I would look at it, this crippling inadequacy would "choke" me.
My dad always said to me, that I didn't really want a car as bad as I thought because once I got one, all I would do is pour money into it. I've seen him and my mom and my siblings all get sick of "pouring money" into vehicles they could never seem to pay off, only to have them fall apart, and them have to buy another one and start all over.
Is this difficulty that I've been spared? I suppose so, but I've never known the difference. All I've seemed to do is complain that waiting for the bus in the summer really bites, and then be embarressed when I need to be picked up or dropped off somewhere. The Lord has always provide for me in this way, and I've developed some awesome relationships too. But this was never enough for me. I always felt inadequette bwcause I couldn't do 80 on the freeway blasting Bob Sieger ("Roll Me Away"). Why couldn't I make car payments and insurance payments, and get gas every few days, and pay (how much?) when I need new breaks? Now, do I look at it this way? Of course not...I think it all boils down to "Why couldn't I be more like (what I felt was) everybody else?"
I had a friend once tell me that my tasking the bus everywhere and walking was independence too (and not to forget that). But this wasn't enough for me. I just got upset because I couldn't get up in the morning and drive myself to work.

Proper Ladies & Gentleman (Cont.)

"Well, I must've missed the passage in Emily Post that says 'All abuse is heaped on the mother of the bride.'" Well, okay, that's just a quote from the incredibly funny movie "Steel Magnolias. But speaking o Emily Post, does anon even know who she is today? She wrote the book (literally) on etiquette. What is etiquette? I don't know... That's the thing. I'd have to look the word up in the dictionary before I could tell you what it means. I just remember always believing that etiquette would be something I'd never have any use for. Etiquette meant knowing which fork to pick up during a very fancy, multiple course meal, or folding your pretty cloth napkin correctly (the one you went outside & blew your nose on). :) Well goodness...we live in world of paper plates, napkins & cups. My family eats dinner sitting on the living room sofa in front of the TV, while texting on their phone--as I know many people do. We've never had the sort of lifestyle that would give us the need for multiple forks and cloth napkins. :). But anyway, etiquette means so much more than that...and I have a feeling it's sorta like history. When I was required to learn about it in school, I could not have cared less...because I couldn't see why it was important. To me, these were just a bunch of events that had already happened, so why were we going over them now... Again?? Maybe etiquette is the same way. I can address someone (for example) any way I want, so why is it important (anyway, whose to say) what is the proper way to address certain people? But I've been thinking about this idea that I've talked about earlier in the blog of being "proper ladies and gentleman.". No I'm not thinking anything along the lines of eighteenth century British Aristocrasy. I'm speaking of simply being as well mannered as possible, gentle, kind, self controlled. So, I believe another look at the Biblical fruits of the spirit is in order as well. :). It would seem to me that (simply put), etiquette is a set of rules that teach us how to behave ourselves. However, right there is that ugly R word that most people (myself included) do not like. This is why, many people probably stay away from etiquette, (if they know what it is) :). Anyway, I want to look further into the subject...