The last boyfriend I had, I had graduated high school, but barely. Now I'm in my mid thirties and have not been in a relationship since. I didn't plan it this way. It's not like I woke up one morning and decide to just never date anyone else. Then again, maybe I did...I don't know. Maybe unconsciously, I decided when that break up happened that I never really wanted anyone else and that's exactly what happened. I don't know...I think there's a vibe we send out. Sometimes I try to change mine, but it doesn't seem to work... I just am who I am. I'm proud of who I am but something is keeping guys away. I've been wondering what that is. Is it my intensity? Is it that I seem easily upset? I try not to, but, well you know how it is when you try not to do something! :)
There's only one guy I've ever wanted to be with anyway (whoever he is). I just wanted to meet the guy I was supposed to marry and stay with him forever... The end. (Some people do that, ya know!). Anyway, it hasn't happened yet! :). Sometimes this relieves me and sometimes it scares me. Sometimes I honestly think there is something really wrong with me. I really was in love with my high school sweetheart. I really thought I wanted to marry him. When we abruptly broke up, it was like it took a chunk of my soul away. I hurt bad for a long time. It seemed even when I didn't want to hurt anymore over him, I still did. I began to seriously wonder if something was wrong with me. Other people got over each other, right?
So, all these years later, I'm still single. I could be politically correct and tell you that there's nothing wrong with being single. But I'd rather not. I feel in my bones that I'm supposed to be with someone, and as long as he isn't with me, this is like a missing peace from my life... And that hurts. This is how I honestly feel about it, and I don't know how else to put it. This is not really a married or single thing, it's just a me thing. Anyway, ladies be proud of who you are whether you're married or single. :). Anyway, the whole dating thing kinda sucks for me because there's too much anxiety involved. What a roller coaster! You get your hopes up thinking this might be THE one, and then they crash (because he obviously wasn't). Who needs that? Yeah, you gotta get to know somebody, but why does it need to be "set up"? Why can't you just get to know somebody? I mean, if someone goes on a date & that works for them, that's great. I'm just saying I do things a little differently. If you are in love with somebody, why can't you just tell them? Is it wrong for women to do this or not? I've heard so much about how guys need to make that first move. I'm still waiting... That's why I'm wondering... Is it okay to just tell a guy how you feel or not? Will he not respect you once you do? If I wait for him to do it it might never happen! (I've had GUYS tell me this before!)
Strange. There are no rules, yet there are a whole bunch of written rules that no one can ever really teach you. How are you supposed to know what to do? Can you count on the guy to know what to do? (I've been told no, by both girls & guys). I'm so confused. I thought I was pretty good at "reading" people, but evidently not! Angles groups don't help. My one major experience with a singles group was a painful one... And I never want it repeated. I really fell for one of the guys there. I thought I was supposed to be with him... That we were divinely meant for ach other, and then I found out that he was interested in my friend instead. No one ever told me about it. I felt so betrayed. My "friend" and I don't speak to this day because we have no idea what to say to each other. I've prayed and hoped for the best for a long time... And it doesn't seem to be enough. I'm sad to say that. Di I wanna say that God is not enough? No. But I think he wants me to go through this for some reason. It's like I'm supposed to question all this and find it out... And blog about it. The blogs are great... But in the end, I want a really sweet guy too! :) :)
