Guidelines

Online, there are a lot of outlines or guidelines for what men say they want in women. Being that I'm a Christian woman, I looked at some guidelines for what a Christian man would want (generally). I looked at a few, and became overwhelmed rather quickly. Honestly, I thought

"I'd have to be Superwoman to do all those things."

Now, there's nothing wrong with guidelines, in fact, it's good to have at least a general idea of what someone wants. But it was what the lists did not say that made my heart drop a little. I saw things like: "She must serve in her local church and be further dedicated to some further source of ministry for all Christians." Okay...fine. That's a great idea. "She must take care of herself physically and look presentable.". Sure. I agree. This is also a good idea. "She must be willing to stay home with our kids and raise them up in the word of God.". Of course... This would be most ideal, would it not. I know, if I had kids, I would be brokenhearted if I could not stay home with them and bring them up. They're only kids once and it goes by so quickly, too! These are all great things to keep in mind. However, my mind started racing because I feel empathy for the things that our amazing men (Christian or not) might not be taught to consider.

Okay, now, I was looking at the guidelines of Christian guys, because I am one, as I said. But the guidelines of these Christian guys(bless their hearts) really turned me off, if you will. I even found an article that explicitly instructed that if a guy wanted to have enough money to provide (Biblically) for his family, he MUST have a career in math or science, and apparently, there are no exceptions (???). This same article even encouraged women to stay away from guys who want to get into... (there was a list of careers that included Psychology and Human Services and teaching, and others that I can't remember). I found myself thinking, "This is entering into the realm of ridiculous!". For the record, I agree that math and science careers generally bring in good money... But I DO NOT agree that these are the only career fields a man should get into in order to provide for his wife.

Guys, listen...I am not going to now write a list of "guidelines" that I really believe women want. I just feel that there are important principles to keep in mind that can help tremendously. It's about getting to know HER. Some guys are trying to get to know what they WANT her to BECOME before they even meet her. Now there's no crime in this...everyone does it sometimes (girls too). But when it all comes down, guys and girls seem to both want the same thing... To be loved and respected for who they really are. I wouldn't want to try and speak for all of woman-kind when I explain. I can only speak for myself. I know, for me, the one thing I want most from a guy is patience. Now, it's an interesting thing because, when I'm hoping for a guy to say that he likes me... This is the longest wait of my life! Guys, if you wanna tell her you like her... please do! In my opinion, there seems to be something a guy likes about keeping a girl in suspense and just knowing that she's holding her breath for him. I'm not trying to cruel, just my honest opinion. I think a woman's best bet is to fall in love with herself... and stay that way. She won't have to do anything... all she has to do is be. I've heard it said before that guys wish they had a clue as to whether or not a girl liked them. My problem is, I've always been afraid to give a guy any indication. If you chase a guy... he'll run, right? Isn't this the opposite of what you want? So, I back away, so he can step into the space. But I think that he just ends up thinking I don't like him. Goodness sakes!

My feeling is, if he's hoping that she likes him, he should check it out a little. Has she said anything in particular to him? (even if it doesn't seem like much?). Has she talked to anyone else about him? Does she build him up and encourage him? These are huge! Anyway, once the big question of "Do we like each other?" is out of the way, I want patience in a guy. There should be disposition about him that says, "I'm not angry with you.". To put it another way: "You're safe with me.". A big part of this, is me knowing that I'm safe with him on a BAD day. This is the one thing that those articles didn't say. Listen guys... she's not Superwoman. She's flesh and bone, and she gets worn out just like you do. She won't always look presentable. When she wakes up in the morning, her hair is messed up and her breath skinks. Many times, she's just worn out and needs a shoulder to cry on. Does she want to have kids at some point? Always ask her (if that happens to be something that's in your plans at some point.) Obviously, these are not things anyone brings up on a first, or second date! These are for later after you've known her for awhile. Part of the model I saw in the articles I read, was talking about the way these guys wanted their kids raised.

Now, kids are an important topic. I'm not saying worry about following a formula. Just keep it in mind that most of the best women...do not fit the mold. The best women, are not what you'll typically find. Chances are, you'll be in love with her because of what's different about her, right? Ironic, isn't it? We make guidelines so that we know what we're looking for, and then best admire (often) the people who don't fit into them! Crazy! :). Anyway, in my opinion, the 3 most important words a guy can say to a woman are "Thank you sweetie!". That and... "You're wonderful darling!". This helps her know you appreciate her, and helps her feel safe.

It seems to me, that it really isn't too much different with guys. They want to be able to do things at their own pace; they want to be trusted and they want respect. This according to several men older than I am whose opinion I respect. These same men also explained to me that men don't appreciate being instructed. To me, once a man knows and trusts a woman well enough, he'll allow her to instruct him... But I'd imagine it probably rather challenging for a man to "give up" his natural desire to be independent and "hunt" for himself and just do his own thing. So girls, just always be his cheerleader! Be honest with him, but choose your words carefully. Always stack any criticism between two layers of praise so he's not afraid to just "be" with you. He has to feel safe with you. No different than a woman, right? I think the difference is in the way the two are carried out, yes?

Think it all boils down to this: Guys don't like to be put into a mold because they need their freedom. Women don't like to be put into a mold because it means they are predictable and boring. And guys, here's a tip: Her biggest fear is that you'll find some reason(s) that you are bored with her and no longer satisfied and then you'll find some reason to reject her. As long as she can keep you intrigued by her mystery, you'll keep your interest and "awe" of her. This is what she craves more than anything --for you to be in "awe" of her and treasure her above all else. Obviously, this takes time and dedication to get to know her. Guys naturally will "solve" things and then move on, right? Of course... this is as it should be. Never with a woman. We love you Mister (whoever you are). We don't ever want you to walk away, but if you ever "solved" us completely, why would you want to stay? Hence the "mystery" that a woman is. The scary thing for a guy is that he knows he'll never fully figure it out, so he gives into it. If you need further proof of that, just watch "It's A Wonderful Life.". But maybe the biggest mystery of all, is that a guy is most intrigued when a woman is simply being herself, and not trying anything.

Ladies, personally, I would go to my heavenly Father and pray for guidance on being the woman that he has made you to be (just because you're amazing all by yourself). But even if you're not particularly spiritually inclined... Sometimes your guidelines can trap you more than they can free you. Guys... same thing. Sometimes, you can accomplish more by letting go than planning and stratagizing and attempting to have all your "ducks in a row," as they say. But, on that note (and then I'll close) guys. THANKYOU for the sincere effort you put into us. It is not easy, is it? What can we women do, if anything, to simplify it? Or is it best to leave you alone? Girls, it's scary for him to step up. Guys, it's scary for her to back off and trust you to take control (gently, patiently). In my opinion, it's more effective to just keep these things in mind rather than to develop this unchanging "image" of what it seems you want, and then miss out on the most fabulous person you could ever know. (This is for both guys and girls) :). Until next entry, take care!

TS (C) December, 2012.

The Twinkie Defense

I've heard it said that Americans care more about the fact that Hostess stopped making Twinkies (and everything else) then they did about all the violence in Israel.

I don't see how any of us cannot be aware of all that's going on in Israel, considering that every time we turn on the radio or TV.... There it is. It's terrible, it's tragic, and to many of us, it's unbelievably scary.

I don't think it's any mystery that so many seem to be panicking and don't know where to turn. As a result, I think many of us need a reason to be distracted. World famous Twinkie defense to the rescue! Come on, I mean who doesn't remember growing up eating those spongy, golden, cream-filled delights? They were originally created in 1930', during the Great Depresson, and were filled with banana cream. Just a little snack cake, inexpensive and soooo good in your mouth (aren't they)? A little piece of Heaven in a shiny wrapper (at least, they have been as long as I've been alive). Perfect. An escape... A release... and what an awesome name! The way it just kinda makes you smile when ya say it. Apparently, the name was taken from a billboard that said "Twinkle Toes.". Well folks, it doesn't get happier than that. Let's face it, Twinkies remind us of when we were kids! There are tons of nostalgia attached to those golden, spongy, cream-filled delights. (I just love to say that, don't you?). So, when faced with the possibility that these could be gone forever, we thought, if nothing else, we can rush to the store and grab what's left on the shelves, or look up a recipe to make our own.

This isn't much, but it's tangible, it's manageable, it's been a little something we could all do to try to keep the happiness alive. We could post pictures all over Facebook and Twitter, and people were happy to see them. It's a far cry from bloody bodies and bombs going off and distraught people running and screaming in the streets. Let's face it...it's awful beyond comprehension...so must of us are just glad we can't comprehend it. What do we possibly do about THAT??? Now please don't think I mean anything unkind here. It's just that being disappointed about Twinkis seems much more welcoming than worrying about bombs in Israel, or recession, or depression, or losing all we have in a disaster. The Twinkie, I think, represents just a few bites of welcomed relief in the middle of awful chaos. So, if we could run to the store and buy a box or a package, maybe we just wanted to keep the relief effort going.

Magic

I remember hearing a story about actress Natalie Wood when she was filming the movie "Miracle on 34th Street.". At the time, Wood was only eight or nine. During the course of filming, she really believed that character actor Edmond Gwen really was Santa, with his white hair and beard...("Oh, go ahead, pull it."). When filming wrapped and the cast came together for a party, Gwen had shaved his head and also his white beard. He showed up at the party as a normal guy... Not Santa Claus. Apparently, little Natalie was crushed because she'd truly come to believe that Gwen really was Santa. But he wasn't.

I remember feeling so bad. What a rotten way for her to find out! This was supposed to be a writing about victory.... But it's actually rather depressing. So, what is the point of that? Childlike belief made Santa Claus real not only to Susan (in the movie), but to Natalie herself. This is how belief in Jesus works. Our childlike faith makes him real to us. And the wonderful part is, we never have to find out that Jesus is just an actor! Now, the Christian life is a serious thing, but the wonderful mystery of Christ, is that he's the one who makes it possible to Know God without having all our ducks in a row. It's amazing because the whole "Miracle" story is representative of Christ. Here you have this little girl, whose mother is diligently trying to raise to be an adult. So, in sincere attempt to do this, she has attempted to do away with anything make believe or childlike. As she herself words it:

"by filling them full of fairy tales, they grow up considering life a fantasy
instead of a reality. They keep waiting for Prince Charming to come along, and
and when he does, he turns out to be a--"

At this point, Fred Gaylee has to say:

"We were talking about Suzy, here, not about you."

Doris (Susan's mom) is in charge of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. At the end, of course is always jolly old St. Nick. So, Susan sits in Mr. Gaylee's apartment and explains how each balloon has been changed from last year's parade to reflect this year's characters. Of course Mr. Gaylee makes his remark about the baseball player (balloon) is a "giant". Mother's firmly planted defenses come to light when Suzy gives her answer:

"Not really-- there are no giants Mr. Gaylee. People sometimes grow very big, but that's normal."

It is at this point that we learn that Suzy does not know any fairy tales and does not believe in Santa Claus. Now, there's nothing wrong with her rather "literal" answers, but the point is that Mr. Gaylee wasn't talking about real Giants, he was using that word to describe the balloon. But Suzy's inability to pretend or imagine wouldn't let her know that.
So later, when Mr. Kringle comes to work at Macy's, he finds out that Suzy never plays any games with the other kids in her apartment building.

"I don't play much with them. They play silly games."

Suzy then tells the story of the kids playing zoo and pretending to be animals. Kris tells her that the other children were only children, and they were pretending to be animals. It is then that Kris gives Suzy her first lesson in pretending. He shows her how to let her arms hang loose and be a monkey. For a few glorious moments, Suzy forgets how serious she was being and genuinely enjoys nothing but play. Suddenly, nothing is expected of her and she does not have to come up with an answer for anything. During the filming of the movie, Natalie got to believe that Santa Claus existed for a while. Sure, that part of the story has a sad ending, but even the sad things in life are meant to teach us something.

All I'm really trying to say, is that sometimes we just have to take a chance and believe. We can't wait until we have all our ducks in a row... Because they never will be. The best things in life usually have no manual or philosophy or rules. In these cases we have to use our own imaginations, and... Make it up as we go! I'm not talking about being uncaring. I just think that as hard as we work to keep all bad things out, the flip side is that we're not allowing anything good in either. I think it really is like Mr. Gaylee says:

"Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to.".

I'm just so thankful to God that my life is full of magical little moments; moments that are sort of like when Suzy got to pull Santa's beard, she see's that it's real! For one moment, a childlike joy fills her eyes, and she has her first evidence that...it might be true!! :). The same is true for our faith. God can take the absolute smallest speck of it... And water it with his love and make it grow! Little things... Perhaps things that don't seem to mean anything at the time;

A DJ on the radio, a you Tube video, a piece of mail, or an instant message, a visit from a friend, plans that are cancelled (maybe what you end up doing is more important). But there comes a turning point, and something changes. Somehow, a light goes on, and you're different than you were before. I suspect your life is full of them too... Of course! All these moments put together create some kind of magic. We can't explain it... But it's there! That "magic" is God... saying ...

"I'm here. And I love you!"

I'll bet somewhere inside you, there is a mustard seed...something that still believes...in magic!

Ask God to water it for you.

Take care my friend.