Quiet

Okay, the post below is an example of a young woman (yes, me) at her worst...I think. I don't know, maybe it get's worse than that :)
Let's just say, that I don't think God's energy was coming out of me that night. :)
Let's try some truth instead...

I love sentimental things
I have a wonderful sense of humor
I am soft and tender, and (yes) warm
God has made me unique and there's no one else like me.
(Thank you Mr. Rogers...I loved his show, didn't you?)

The hurt of rejection can cause us to lash out, can't it?
I hope that I can learn to be strong in my feelings, but not react to them.

Baby

I think all I know how to do is be infintile. That's it. I don't care what I look like on the outside. I'm just a baby, and all i know how to do is glaum on to other people.

I can talk the talk but I CANNOT walk the walk.

I don't have any patience when things get tough.
I can't give anybody any space to be themselves...all I know how to do is suck all the air out of the room, and try to take everybody's attention.
I can't ever get married because I'll never be able to give my husband is space, and when men are just being themselves, I think they're being mean and uncaring.
I don't know how to be tender and sensitive. I'm just a ball of masuline energy.
Fight...defend...protect...stand up for yourself... yell, scream. Build a wall between you and the people you love when things get tough.
This is all I know how to do.

Reverse

I'm told that a man who is loving a woman the way he should lays down his life for her. So, if she comes to him and says she isn't sure she wants the relationship, he'll step out of her way and not protest. He'll let her go, and not try to hold on to her.

Apparently, he does this because he loves her.

Okay, I could see that. The thing is... What if she needs him to hold her?
What if she needs him to say to her "Don't do this"? What if a woman just isn't able to recognize that for him, not holding her back is what shows her he loves her? Is it normal for a man to need to do a little investigating and see what's "really" going on, or does that just totally defeat the purpose?

Translation: I just pushed one of the most wonderful men away and I hate myself for it now. I made a mistake, I panicked. When I knew we liked each other, my mind started to wander:

"What if it doesn't work out?"
"What if he leaves me?"
"what if I leave him?"

I was scared. Now I hate myself because I know I've done the wrong thing. I never should've left. I never should've said I was afraid it wouldn't work. I told him as much. I explained that to him. I thought at least if I were honest with him that might "count" for something. He never came running back to me or anything. We've talked...yes, and now we are "just friends."

But I can feel it in my gut...I've done a terible thing, and YES I DO regret it. I messaged him last week and he's never answred me. I requested him as a friend on FB...
(But that was after I'd unfriended him because I was afraid I was too attatched.)

No wonder he's confused!!
How could I've done this?
I wanted him to run to me and at least ask me
"Why are you doing this? Is there anything I can say that would change your mind?"

I'm supposed to realize that I can't expect a man to go against his instincts.
Oh wait...I guess by holding it all in and not running after me, he WAS going against his own instincts. (??)

So, I wanted him to follow his instincts, then...is that what I wanted (??)

I don't know.
I just know I wanted him to stop me from doing what I was doing sort of the way a father keeps his child ferom going into the street.
He did the right thing, I know that now. He's not gonna stop me and tell me I don't really feel the way (my actions) said I felt.
(I suppose I can thank him for not insulting me).

But I wonder if the principle works in reverse.
If a guy can (and will) lay down his life and step out of her way because she says that's what she wants, can he walk back in if she goes to him and honestly admits that she made a mistake?
What if she loves him and wants him desperately, but then when she's honest with him about that it's too late?
I've NEVER had that happen to me.
I've never had a guy come back.
Never had him say "I believe you; I know you love me because I trust you... and I'll give you another chance"
Oh, I forgot, he wouldn't trust me, would he, because my actions have proven otherwise, right?
Oh, great...so that's it? I blew it. There is no second chance?
I may have to just count this as one of the best failures I've ever learned from and try to move on.
It just makes me nuts... there's NOTHING I can do now...it just is what it is.
I'm nuts about this guy. I want him to have whomever is right for him, whether that's me or not.
I just hate to think that I'll never know now because I didn't wait long enough.