Simple

Today, Dr. Phil was on in the background as I was doing other things, and he was talking to parents of teens who were dressing provocatively and having sex too early. Again, I was not even going to write in a blog today, but, if I don't my head will explode, so here goes.

At the end of the show he spoke to a woman via polycom. This woman stated that she had taught her children that sex is a special privilege that should be reserved for marriage only. She also stated that she did not feel that her children needed to go through sex education because of the foundation she had given her kids all their lives. Dr. Phil actually got angry with this woman and told her that this was "absurd," and then proceeded to get angry at her because "he DID raise his kids in a Godly home, and it's just ridiculous that we would not teach our kids how to equip themselves for the real world out there" (or something to that affect). This lady had more to say, but Dr. Phil cut her off and would not let her finish. Interesting. No one was accusing Dr. Phil of not raising their boys correctly, but he took great offense to this woman's opinion, raised his voice and got angry. Why? That's crazy, in my opinion. He would not let her finish, and then called what she had to say "absurd.". Dr. Phil is a fair man that let's his guests give their opinions, yes? So what was the problem with this opinion? Who said that he had to agree with her?; that's not a requirement.

I found myself so angry because I feel he made a fool out of this woman. No one has to agree with what she said if they don't want to... But I do! Actually, my mother did both with me: she taught me that sex is a special privilege reserved for married adults (as in not teens). She began teaching me this at a very young age, and then, when I was the ripe, old age of eleven :), she allowed me to go through the sex education that was offered, because she knew I had a foundation that let me know where my boundaries already were. So, it was very simple for me, because the dilemma was all taken out of it. Sex? WAIT. period. Really easy.

Today, I'm proof that, yes you can wait, it's better to wait, and you will not only survive, but you will thrive, and you'll be totally fine. I know, because I've done it. It has been my honor to save myself because I'm too proud of the woman I have come to be to give all of myself to someone not interested in giving all of themselves to me. I'm worth too much to do that. To be very clear, I am not putting anyone down who hasn't had this sort of experience. I'm simply saying that I know that the right man will rise to the level of expectation. If not, then I can move on, it's very easy.

Yes, I've heard all sorts of arguments about lack of self control and hormones, and all that, but I can tell you this; I was a counselor at a pregnancy care center for about five years, and many many ladies came to talk to me in tears because they were wishing they had used a little more self control. Many teens came to me wracked with anxiety because they were suddenly faced with the idea of forever being a parent. What was more alarming to me, was the frightening amount of "normalcy" that these girls (a lot of them 12 and 13 as well) would apply to experimenting with sex, coming and taking the test,, being so thrilled that the test happened to be negative and then "playing with fire" again.

What would break my heart is that these precious young ladies would give all their power away for the sake of feeling as though they had some (power, that is). Yes, they all wanted to be... wanted and liked. Absolutely! Everyone does! So they would give in to their raging hormones, and a society that says that this is inevitable ("They're just going to do it anyway.")', and the boredom that would come from being latch key kids, and they would figure that at least they could feel good for maybe a minute and a half, and then their boyfriend would stay with them, right? In so many cases... That was not the case. To make the deception worse, many of these women, whether teens or not, would be fooled into thinking that if they became pregnant, they could just go get an abortion. Now, if a woman becomes pregnant, she can choose to have an abortion, that's true. But abortion really is about so much more than the "power" of choice.

There are choices we make because we're free to make them, and then there are choices we make because we have to. When a woman say's no to sex because there is not a permanent marriage commitment behind it, she's then free to move on with her, life, her job, her travels, college, the things she enjoys while anticipating something much better because she values herself enough to do so. Personally, this is my kind of power. She's in control of the end of the story. She knows they'll be time for marriage and babies, but she gets to make sure that it's the right time.

When a woman, particularly a teenager becomes pregnant, her "adult" actions have now locked her into a dilemma: Do I have the baby or do I abort the baby? She is now faced with serious "decisions" about, life, death, morals, ethics, values, a boyfriend who often has left her with all the responsibility, marriage, divorce, money, how to raise a child, all the changes that come with being pregnant, and much more, all before the baby is even born. So now, the "choices" are coming at her from every direction, but that doesn't mean that she's emotionally prepared to make them. If she aborts the baby, this is a choice that cannot be undone, and I had many clients tell me that the heartbreak and guilt that follow are not worth the freedom that they believed the abortion would give them. In other words these women became "bound" to a guilt and pain they had never bargained for, and freedom actually had little to do with it. Add to all this the fact that this person is still a kid whose brain isn't even through growing yet. Tremendous responsibility.

I say, mentor a kid and give them something to do that keeps them busy. Get them serving those around them so they can be a part, and learn their worth and the worth of others. Help them learn a work ethic so that they learn the value of earning things in life. To me, it actually has very little to do with teaching them not to have sex. It's about teaching them to care for others, and value their feelings, have empathy. There's nothing more satisfying than earning something after working hard for it. Teenagers especially need a sense of empowerment, not another form of fear that they have to figure out how to live with. All my opinion, of course, but there ya go.

Friends

I just read a FB post that talked about being very careful who your friends are if you're married. If you have a "friend" of the opposite sex and you tell things to this friend that you do not tell your spouse... This is dangerous. It said that affairs don't start in the bedroom. They begin with emails, text's, calls, FB posts, and many other things that have nothing to do with sleeping together.

I personally have a rule that if I'm FB friends with a man who is engaged or married, I'm also friends with his fiancee'/ wife as well. This way, it's not a situation where only he knows me, and there's no chance that the two of us COULD say or do anything inappropriate because he has accountability, and my mutual respect for both of them is the guard that keeps me in check... I'M NOT GOING THERE! :). I once was seeing a counselor who was a guy... a young guy.

Nothing happened, except what I went in there for; he was helping me work things out... But I stopped going there. It was on the pretext of not being able to afford it, but I stopped going because I realized it was the perfect fuel for starting a fire, if you will. He was a young guy, getting his master's degree, and here I was, face to face with him in a room, alone, telling him about personal things going on at home. I'm not saying that I was attracted to him. In truth, I wasn't, particularly... but no one ever plans to do anything inappropriate, ya know? Now I'm single, of course. I knew he was not married, but did not know whether he had a girlfriend or not. Anyway, the situation reached a different level of uncomfortable when he had me doing these breathing exercises to alleviate anxiety. A great idea... But not under those circumstances. I mean, whether I was attracted to him or not, the breathing exercises had me thinking about doing things (we) shouldn't be! STOP!! :).

I realize now that whether he was single or not wasn't the issue. The honest truth is that I'm single and am hoping to find someone, and I need to take responsibility for the fact that there is a high amount of vulnerability there. Let's face it, nothing makes a woman melt more than when a sensitive guy will allow her to cry with him and spill all of her most intimate dilemmas in front of him. Be careful! :).

There's another situation in my life that I've needed to get away from. This one a bit more serious. Ladies, if you don't drive and you need rides home from church, my advice would be do not take rides home with a single guy who's around your age! Now, in my situation, I thought that this guy liked me, because he'd been talking to me at the singles group we'd started and then gave me his number. It turned out he lived right around the corner from me, too. But, to make the story very short... He had no intentions of a relationship with me... He was just trying to do me a favor. Dammit! Okay, in retrospect, I'm glad that it did not work out. But I ended up having to separate myself from that situation, because I was then left with an attraction to someone that I could do nothing about. I stuck with it for a long time, because nobody wants to leave their church... but the situation escalated, and I found it was too precarious to try and stay away from him. I noticed a resentment building in me... and I knew... This is not good! This unhealthy situation became like a rotten apple that was spoiling the whole barrel. I finally realized... This is not something that try and "solve"... sometimes, you need to just run!

Goodness! I kept thinking "what if this were your job? You wouldn't just leave your job, would you?". The answer is... No. I would not JUST leave my job. But I will say this: I think marriage is war. I honestly do. It's war, that we fight to say to our spouse, "I love you. I'm coming home to you: and I won't let anything interfere with that. Therefore, I might need to walk away from that job, because of the "fire" that has been "smoldering" that could potentially "blow up" and ruin us both. Now, I sound like I'm nuts, don't I? And here come the excuses: we need the money; I'll be letting all these people down, etc, etc. Listen ladies, that man that you have become one with... Needs you to stay that way (as best you can). If something's on fire, you wouldn't pour gasoline on it, right? Oddly enough, I learned most of these things in the church which I no longer attend :). Strange. But when there's a "war" going on, sometimes we need to take extraordinary measures to protect ourselves and others. In my case, there are two other people involved... The guy that I have no business marrying... and the guy that I someday will marry. Is being stuck on the wrong guy keeping me from knowing the right one (probably).

We live and we learn, yes...but according to Eric and Leslie Ludy, we can learn to protect our marriage before it even begins. Set guidelines for the opposite sex (friendships) and stick to them. Even before you're married. Think of your future spouse and ask yourself how they would feel if you... (fill in the blank). The book is called "When God Writes your Love Story.". Now, this is radical, isn't it it? But I think that when you find that someone you really want to love...love them radically, with everything you have! :)