The Breath Held (can I let it out yet?)

Dear Lord;

For most of my life, I have dreamed of the man I would marry. The actual time I've spent wondering when he would come into my life has measured almost twenty years. In all honesty...it has been a long and lonely walk. It is confusing missing him terribly and having no clue who he is. It's sad, knowing about "actively waiting" and trying to do it every day, but still struggling with an ache that never goes away. It's confusing and frustrating when I see my friend's in relationships and feel jealousy and anger. I want to feel happy for them, but can't stop being angry with you because I feel as though you've abandoned me. This is followed by guilt. Why? Because how can I say that to the God who knitted me together in my mother's womb?

I know you intimately. I desire to have as many other people know you as possible. I constantly wonder what you have desired to teach me over all these years that I can't seem to understand. I have waited on you and trusted you, but you seem to want to show me that my trust in you is not as wonderful as I'd believed. You seem to watch while it's broken down piece by piece, and take the mess that I am and say "get up". I don't know what happened, but I must've missed this teaching in church. I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what the void means, and then more time attempting to "just let it go" because it obviously is not for me to figure out. It hurts, Lord...it just really hurts. But even worse, seems to be the bitterness it has created in me. I'm angry. I'm really angry. I can't even pray about it anymore without wanting to yell at you.

You seem to want to bring all of this out of me, so that I can "give" it to you. I pour my heart out to you...get up and try again... and soon I'm on my knees again with the same longing, the same ache...the same grief...the same feeling of abandonment. I'm told that I can't ALLOW myself to become bitter because this only puts distance between you and me. I know this process is designed to bring me closer to you, but that's exactly what makes me so mad. You seem to open a bottle filled with the desire to be married...pour it all inside me, and then make me go without. But this is not consistent with your character; isn't that right? How do I not live by my feelings when these feelings seem as though they will level me like the waves of the ocean? You seem to be making it as difficult as possible to have faith in you and draw near. I've asked you several times why this has gone on so LONG...believing that it had to be more than just a purifying process. Is this what I signed up for when I became a Christian? Yes...actually it is...but I did not know that at the time.

Help me Lord, I need more than just a series of cliche's here. I've held on for you for so long, saving myself, for my one and only. I keep watching most of my friends get what I've been praying for all along... and posting it everywhere. I know, Lord, I can't only think of myself, but it really hurts. Many times I've been given the analogy that the Lord is my husband. Okay. Fine. So how do you explain the fact that I want a human one so badly? You're confusing me. You've promised to supply all of my needs according to Christ's riches in glory. So why do I need a husband so badly? What happened? Do you know how hard it is to even say that? How can I say that I NEED a husband? It's just not right, is it? We're not supposed to NEED a mate, we're supposed to be complete and whole in Chrisr, right? Well, if I am, then WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I'm told that I'm supposed to get to a point of not needing a man and having it not bother me. The truth is, I have NEVER been to this place...I don't know what it looks like. I need my husband in my life in order to be the person I'm supposed to be because YOU gave me the desire to be married, not because I'm this desperate, out of control, obsessed person.

Although, sometimes I think I'm getting there fast. Obsessed and out of control. I did not start out this way. I trusted you and believed you... had total confidence that you would bring this to pass, and that you heard my prayer. No more. Now, I'm usually thinking you're mad at me, or that I've dome something wrong. I try to turn this around in my mind and remember that this is not consistent with your character. I know that I am not being punished for anything...I just thought the relief would have come by now. I then try to turn this around in my mind, and realize that maybe this incredibly long season of singleness is the relief. Maybe the hardships of marriage would just tear me apart. I've asked repeatedly Lord that you then remove the the desire to be married because it's making me nuts! You don't. I am left feeling like I'm in limbo and can't get out. I don't have the ware withal to get married...or to stay single. What do I do?

I've heard it all: That singleness is only a season in my life; that there are many lonely married people; that I don't want to be married to the wrong guy because it's miserable; that I need to be actively waiting for you to answer my prayer. I agree with all these things Lord, but none of them help. I'm still NOT alone, because you're with me, but I feel alone because my husband isn't with me, but you're supposed to be enough...so then I feel guilty. I'm not saying that I'm alone and I'm not saying that I as an individual am incomplete. But that's why I keep asking you Lord, why is this happening me? If you do have that special someone out there for me, Lord where are they? Why can't they find me? Why can't you show him where I am? Why is it that when I try to show him where I am, it's always to no avail? Why can't I find enough things to do to keep me busy in my life? Lord, you know it doesn't matter how many people I chat with, how many college classes I take, how much volunteer work I do, how many movies I watch, how much music I listen to...how many times I go to church, how many blog entries I write... I will always have within me that longing and that desire for hum that sometimes just makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry.

When I do get married, I will have many new desires, and longings and problems that I don't have now. Even so Lord, I can't stop dreaming of the day! What am I supposed to do when nothing seems to soothe it? How can I help that?? There is no person on earth who can help me with this, Not even my husband, Lord, only you. It's a weight too big for anyone to carry... But together...with God...we can! As much as I've wrestled with singleness...Lord, nothing else will do. I need to know my marriage partner. I know you're up to something good...I just wish the wait wasn't (at times) such a kick in the teeth. I've tried to talk my way through all of this...seeing no end in sight. So, help me Lord, to keep waiting on you. What else is there? I've been pro-active...there can be no E-Harmony pep talk here, or Christain Mingle. I've tried them both...yes...and am today...still single. I tried a singles group too. Didn't work. When I try stepping back, I never know for how long...I always end up "looking" again... though I'm told, that's not my job. What's wrong with me then? If he's closer than I thunk...I've been told that too. Been believing it for years!

All of this Lord, seems to destroy my trust in you...to be quite honest. What do I do? I can't make him appear out of thin air...I need you! Isn't that what you wanted alll along? Lord, it isn't me! You've created the vacuum "void" that's driving me to my knees...so what about the cure? That has to come from you. I cannot do thus alone-- I've tried, and worn myself out. How much longer must I stay still?? This is not a case of six months...and I haven't had a date. Twenty years is a long time...even if a thousand years is a day. Right? I have waited only for the life partner you have for me. I now feel like that fool that all women want their men to be for them. Lord, what happened there?? Do I have the masculine and feminine mixed up? I've asked again & again...and then tried to behave my way through, I don't know! Nothing's worked...I'm undone. I'd give it up, but you won't let me! You remind me of what I set down, and want me to pick it up again! Lord help me...what do I do? Is this the way you want me to share in your sufferings so I'll know a little bit about what you went through? Because if so...I could use a sign. If you don't mind Lord...just so I know. The hope of meeting him comes alive again only to be crushed to pieces. You want me to hope only in you. Lord, it was never my intention not to. So please tell me Lord... What do I do?

To Sharlene (Mrs. Tim Bosma)

Dear Sharlene Bosma;

Last night I sat on my sofa with tears streaming down my face as I watched your husband's memorial. I'd first read his story on Facebook, and then began checking each day for new details in the search, praying that Tim would be brought home safe. I, like many others was heartbroken when the news not only was not good...it was horrifically tragic...

I want to tell you and your family thank you for your marvelous strength, grace and hope.

The first thing that struck me about Tim's service, was when the pastor invited all to offer their grief to the Lord. I want you to know now that many in the world are grieving right along with you. Though we never knew your husband Mr. Bosma, we have come to feel that we know him, and have struggled to understand why he was taken so early. I think that, united in our grief, we were given the opportunity to give over to God (if only for a moment). In that moment, I felt somehow closer to man I'd wanted to help save, and closer to a family in pain.

But there was something else that happened. As I listened to the loving stories of those who knew him best, the joy that radiated from them began to fill me as well. I heard the stories of the trees planted, the Crab Apple Tree in full bloom, the bonfire, the fireworks that parted and revealed the moon. The teasing and screaming at family barbecues, and Tim saying: "Your kids are too loud.". I wished I knew Tim, and suddenly, somehow...I did! And he is very much... still around. I could feel it all over that banquet hall. It filtered through You Tube and to my little screen. My dear Sharlene, I know you will miss your husband always. For this reason, my heart aches. But please know there was certainly a strength beyond belief in that room that day! If filled me up, and flowed all through.

Suddenly, my eyes were on the prize to come...and I know I'm not the only one who was suddenly overflowing with love and peace! For Tim. For where he is now, and the fact that one day, we will be there too, with our own loved one's and friends. And you will too. I think your husband has given me a glimpse of that...and many others too. Suddenly, I all seemed connected... this life that makes weary, and the next one that wipes all our tears away...we are going there!! Suddenly, my daily groaning seemed very unimportant, as I was filled with hope unspeakable!

Sharlene, I wish I could give you a hug. I'm so sorry Tim is gone. Never will I understand the void that is left. But I wanted to tell you that Tim is with us still. I pray somehow you'll know, Tim's still here...changing more lives than we'll ever know. Your daughter will know that her daddy is a hero because his heart lives on. Someday, she will see her sweet daddy, whose smile lights up his whole face. I cannot explain to you the joy and reassurance I had listening to all of you give sweet testimonies of what an amazing man Tim was. I feel as though I got to know him (just a little)) and miss him along with you.

I have no doubt that Tim will go on, showing many others how awesome the love of Christ really is. I don't know what sort of Crab Apple Tree was planted in his honor...but I think there should be a special tree named after Tim (his favorite) so we all remember him. The Lord is, of course, close to the broken hearted, and He is with you, Sharlene and family. Last night, getting to know Tim just a little, gave me a lot of joy. My deepest condolences to you, your little girl and your family. From now on, when I see apple blossoms (no matter what kind) they will be "Tim Blossoms". His smile is infectious...and so is his love! Thank you for the wonderful courage in sharing your stories. Your grace is such an inspiration to me! I'm sure Tim is very proud!

Love to you. ((((HUGS))))