Quiet

Okay, the post below is an example of a young woman (yes, me) at her worst...I think. I don't know, maybe it get's worse than that :)
Let's just say, that I don't think God's energy was coming out of me that night. :)
Let's try some truth instead...

I love sentimental things
I have a wonderful sense of humor
I am soft and tender, and (yes) warm
God has made me unique and there's no one else like me.
(Thank you Mr. Rogers...I loved his show, didn't you?)

The hurt of rejection can cause us to lash out, can't it?
I hope that I can learn to be strong in my feelings, but not react to them.

Baby

I think all I know how to do is be infintile. That's it. I don't care what I look like on the outside. I'm just a baby, and all i know how to do is glaum on to other people.

I can talk the talk but I CANNOT walk the walk.

I don't have any patience when things get tough.
I can't give anybody any space to be themselves...all I know how to do is suck all the air out of the room, and try to take everybody's attention.
I can't ever get married because I'll never be able to give my husband is space, and when men are just being themselves, I think they're being mean and uncaring.
I don't know how to be tender and sensitive. I'm just a ball of masuline energy.
Fight...defend...protect...stand up for yourself... yell, scream. Build a wall between you and the people you love when things get tough.
This is all I know how to do.

Reverse

I'm told that a man who is loving a woman the way he should lays down his life for her. So, if she comes to him and says she isn't sure she wants the relationship, he'll step out of her way and not protest. He'll let her go, and not try to hold on to her.

Apparently, he does this because he loves her.

Okay, I could see that. The thing is... What if she needs him to hold her?
What if she needs him to say to her "Don't do this"? What if a woman just isn't able to recognize that for him, not holding her back is what shows her he loves her? Is it normal for a man to need to do a little investigating and see what's "really" going on, or does that just totally defeat the purpose?

Translation: I just pushed one of the most wonderful men away and I hate myself for it now. I made a mistake, I panicked. When I knew we liked each other, my mind started to wander:

"What if it doesn't work out?"
"What if he leaves me?"
"what if I leave him?"

I was scared. Now I hate myself because I know I've done the wrong thing. I never should've left. I never should've said I was afraid it wouldn't work. I told him as much. I explained that to him. I thought at least if I were honest with him that might "count" for something. He never came running back to me or anything. We've talked...yes, and now we are "just friends."

But I can feel it in my gut...I've done a terible thing, and YES I DO regret it. I messaged him last week and he's never answred me. I requested him as a friend on FB...
(But that was after I'd unfriended him because I was afraid I was too attatched.)

No wonder he's confused!!
How could I've done this?
I wanted him to run to me and at least ask me
"Why are you doing this? Is there anything I can say that would change your mind?"

I'm supposed to realize that I can't expect a man to go against his instincts.
Oh wait...I guess by holding it all in and not running after me, he WAS going against his own instincts. (??)

So, I wanted him to follow his instincts, then...is that what I wanted (??)

I don't know.
I just know I wanted him to stop me from doing what I was doing sort of the way a father keeps his child ferom going into the street.
He did the right thing, I know that now. He's not gonna stop me and tell me I don't really feel the way (my actions) said I felt.
(I suppose I can thank him for not insulting me).

But I wonder if the principle works in reverse.
If a guy can (and will) lay down his life and step out of her way because she says that's what she wants, can he walk back in if she goes to him and honestly admits that she made a mistake?
What if she loves him and wants him desperately, but then when she's honest with him about that it's too late?
I've NEVER had that happen to me.
I've never had a guy come back.
Never had him say "I believe you; I know you love me because I trust you... and I'll give you another chance"
Oh, I forgot, he wouldn't trust me, would he, because my actions have proven otherwise, right?
Oh, great...so that's it? I blew it. There is no second chance?
I may have to just count this as one of the best failures I've ever learned from and try to move on.
It just makes me nuts... there's NOTHING I can do now...it just is what it is.
I'm nuts about this guy. I want him to have whomever is right for him, whether that's me or not.
I just hate to think that I'll never know now because I didn't wait long enough.

Content

Whether I am married or single, I will always be courted by the ONE who loves me perfectly...and HIS love never fails!

Beauty For Ashes

Philippians 4:4-8

"Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say rejoice. Let your forbearing spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is pure, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute. If there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things."

Now to break this down piece by piece:

A.. Verse 4: Rejoice in the Lord always ; again I will say rejoice…

What are some ways that I can make sure that I am doing my best to always rejoice in him?

1. Make it a point to praise Him.
2. Do I praise the Lord ? (especially when I don’t feel like it?).
3. Thank him in my circumstances.

Do I thank the Lord that he has protected me, and made provisions for what I am facing?

4. Quiet time with Him.

What do I do in order to draw near to the Lord personally?
Do I see this as a personal responsibility I have as a Christian?

B. Verse 5 : Let your forbearing spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.

What does it mean to have a forbearing spirit?

"Forbearing: Disinclined to be severe or rigorous."

If I am not severe or rigorous, what am I?

Rigorous: Rigid, inflexible, or burdensome..

So opposites would be:

* Merciful (See 1st. Corinth. Ch. 13).
* Kind
* Patience
*Generous
*Loving

The second part of verse 5 says "The Lord is near." If the Lord is near, what does this mean, and why would it then be important to have a forbearing spirit?

(Speak to the Lord specifically. Ask him to show you practical everyday ways to have a forbearing spirit with yourself and with others):


C. Verse 6: Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.

1. Be anxious for nothing.

What does this literally mean?

*Don’t worry about things
*Relax
*Trust the Lord (See Psalm 37).
*There’s no need to panic ( )
*Wait on the Lord

2. How can I do my best to ensure I am not anxious?

*Sing praises (inwardly or outwardly)
*Ask the Lord for wisdom
*Remind yourself what the Lord has already done
*Breathe deep
*Get some rest
*Be honest with God when anxiety does come.
(Remind yourself that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of faith).

D. But, (rather) in everything, through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.

1. Why does the verse say "through supplication" and prayer? What does this mean?

Supplication: Humility

Through prayer and humility with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God?

*Do I remember what he’s done for me as I pray?
*Am I aware that not only am I praying to a king, but to the King of Kings?
*Do I thank him generously, believing that he’s already provided an answer and that his timing is perfect?

*Am I humble? Do I remember that everything in my life is a gift from him?

E. Verse seven: And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

1. Why does the end of this verse say "In Christ Jesus"?

Christ is the source of the peace. This is why it surpasses understanding. Would you agree?

How does Jesus fill me with that peace? (specifically).

What are some things that I can do to draw near to Him that I would yield to his will in my life?

2. If we are not in Christ Jesus, do we have this assurance?

No. We can only do all things when Christ strengthens us. Anything else is not the sustaining peace of the Lord.

3. What does it mean for this peace to "guard our hearts and our minds"?

This peace keeps our hearts quiet, and helps us to hear the Lord, as he imparts wisdom to us. His wisdom is what guards us or keeps us safe.

F. Verse 8: Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is pure, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute. If there is anything excellent and praiseworthy, let your mind dwell on these things.

1. What is true?

How can I help guard myself against what is not true?

* Decide that gossip stops with me.
*Pray for wisdom and discretion.
*Turn the TV off.
*Turn the computer off.
* Be mindful of who I hang around with.

2. What does it mean when something is honorable?

Honor: "Honesty, fairness, or integrity in ones beliefs or actions." (Dictionary.com)

* What sorts of things are honorable in my life?


* How can I specifically focus on these things, particularly when certain situations seem "dishonoring" to the things of the Lord?

3. Whatever is Pure.

* What does the word "Pure" mean to you?
(Without spot or blemish; pristine; in it’s original condition).

* What can I think on that is pure?

God’s love (How does he show that to me?)
His law (that He has fulfilled it perfectly… purely).
This reminds me that I need a savior. Freedom. Liberty.
A baby coming into the world (life beginning… maybe life beginning again)
Forgiveness (the freedom it brings) That I have the joy of forgiving others because Christ forgave me.
The rain and the rainbow
A waterfall
The clouds and how each one has a different shape
A sunset
A piece of poetry or art (that creativity is a gift from God).
Music: Melodies that keep me filled with His joy

4. Whatever is Right.

As easy as this one seems to be, we often skip over it as if to say "Duh."
But what is "right," not just regarding what is morally right, but what do I do when no one’s looking? What do I NOT do when n one’s looking?
Am I willing to do the right thing WITHOUT getting recognized, knowing that my father sees what is done in secret? (Matt. 6:4)

5. Whatever is Lovely.

This is a neat one to pray about! What is lovely to you? A bike ride? Fishing? An art project? Serving at church? Classical music? Think of what you consider lovely, and ask how you might glorify the Lord with it. Personally, for me, it’s butterflies).

6. Whatever is of Good Report.

This one might be simpler if we define what ISN’T of a good report.


Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

If something is not each of these things, it is likely that it should not be defined as being of "good report."
Is it gossip, or hearsay? Is it something I’ve been asked to keep in confidence?
OR
Is it a praise? Is it encouragement? Will it build up? Is it glorifying to the Lord?
(Is it excellent?)
Is it appropriate for the given time? A word well spoken?

Pray about it: Lord, what would you have me do in a given situation? What might you not have me do? Pray that you will hear his gentle whisper guiding you through each situation.
His peace be with you! Blessings! J

Kids?

I honestly don't think I want kids at all.
Really.
When their babies and they can be put to bed or pushed in a stroller (Whether they scream or not)
That's okay... this isn't so bad. I can handle that.
You can take them for walks and play with them and be their hero...and it's amazing.
The problem is... THEY DON'T stay that way :)

I have a five year old nephew whose misson in life seems to be completely annoying people till they scratch their own eyes out.
If he know's you're really tired, and need chair, he'll run and plop right where you're going to sit, so you can't sit there. You then have to argue with him to get up (because he won't).
If he knows you need him to move, he deliberately won't (especially if you need to get in the bathroom.
If you ask him to do something, he'll snap at you and say NO, and then stand there because you're not MAKING him do it (of course... he's a kid). And then that's an argument.
He'll wait until you're really tired and you DO sit down, and THEN he'll ask you for a million things. It'd be so easy if he'd just accept your answer and go in the bedroom... but of course, he doesn't. He asks again and again and again.
You know sometimes we adults don't have the energy for our kids to throw another fit.
I've heard parents say "If they throw a fit, they throw a fit...there's nothing you can do about it."
But it seems to me that when your CELLS are tired...you need quiet... you can't take anymore drama for the day.
He throws things at you and flashes things in your face so you flinch (he's a boy alright!) He'll climb up in your chair and jump on you (hurting you).
He hits people. He'll run up behind you and hit you on the back or butt you with his head. Or he'll get up on your lap and start hitting you in front.
His toys are always all over the floor, for us to make sure that we don't break our neck over them.
It's his job to pick them up and put them away so this does not happen...and this too is a contest. A fight.
He's been told several times not to race his cars on the kitchen table. He's allowed to on the floor... but not the table.
So now our kitchen table has several scratches in it because my nephew won't stop... racing his cars on it.

It's exactly like Bill Cosby said: "Sound like a tobacco auctioneer... 'Come here, come here come here, come here, come here, COME HERE... HERE!!!
'Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it... STOP IT!!
I've come to this conclusion:

Children certainly are a herritage from the Lord...but it's the most difficult herritage there is!
They take every ounce of energy that you have and more... with no ability to understand that you need a break.. They are unpredictable, and often, (whether we like it or not) uncontrollable. You can read all the books and manuals in the world (There are too many things, especially in parenting that you can't prepare for).
I once heard James Dobson do a show (FOTF) that was called "Motherhood: The guilt that keeps on giving." (also the title of the book).
Okay, I'm single with no kids...and I'm looking in from the outside; but I know this:
Mom's never stop worrying and they never stop feeling guilty. (I don't think dad's do either... really.)
They just don't... there's no way around it... they just don't :)
I've also heard parenting described this way: "...as hard as you think it is, you end up wishing it were that easy."
That was Deborah Winger in "Terms of Endearment."

Anyway, a great big hand to all you parents and relatives and mentors who have a hand in raising children... you are indeed blessed... and the rewards are eternal. :)
Try to take a long bath or soak your feet at the end of the day (here's hoping that you can :)
But I'd just like to thank my mother right now... because she's never pressured me to have children.
There are two questions that niether my mother or my dad have ever asked me:

1. when are you going to get married?
2. When am I going to see grandbabies?

I've spent some time (a lot, acually) being frustrated because my parents did not encourage me in these things. I never could understand why. Isn't this what people are supposed to do?
Some. Not all.
Train up a child in the way he (or she) should go.

Not everyone is meant to have children, and it seems to have taken me sooo long to really understand that this is OK. When I was a teen, my mom would tell me "Jesus never had any children... look at the impact he had."
I would cringe at that, because I would think "Yeah, and I'll never go to a cross either." (thank you Lord).
It all depends on what a person is made for. I was being so stubborn! I would KNOW that God might want to do "something else" with me... but be convinced that I didn't care (I'm supposed to get married and have kids right? (???)
Thank you Lord for helping me to listen...and see it differently!

god's

A couple days ago, I read a poem by Ted Hughes.

I forget what it was called, but it was out of "Birthday Letters," so I know it was written to his wife, who, of course, was Sylvia Plath. Huges talked about how Sylvia would fill up places inside her with any "god's" she could find (the place that her dad had left in her when he died).

Seems like he was saying that they would come out of "magazines," and current events, and she would invent them for herself, and then burn the angst of needing her father by being perfect (accademically, for example).

I've done this all my life... not tried to excell accademically, but created god's. They wer people I could "put" inside someplace, to sort of make the loneliness less lonely, take away the fear... help bridge the horrible insecurity. Sort of like the way Marylin Monroe would imagine that Clark Gable was her father (So I've read). Now, I imagined things with Clark Gable, certainly... but he was never my father! No no no... he was my husband and lover, my lifelong companion who cherrished me... made me feel safe.

Anyway, I've done this same thing with countless other men... none of them have been my father. I had my daddy (still do) and would not let anyone take that place; but there was still a huge gap in my life. The"god's that I would create to fill my void were men such as Buddy Holly, Julian Lennon, Kirk Cameron, Ralph Fiennes, Zak Baggans, (Ghost adventures), Anderson Cooper and Robert Taylor (old Hollywood). These guys all seemed to have keen, sensitivity to the needs of others, young, handsome, "heroes" on some crusade to find something... not kill a villian in a movie, but recover something that they'd lost in real life. They were all men who seemed to understand what it meant to hurt and be afraid. The men I was around at home did not... or they were not there at all If a man was past a certain age, I would not imagine him in this way... soon he would die and leave me (this supposed to be forever, you know?)

I think my prolem now is that I don't know how to be in love with a real man... in a real relationship. All I know is how to imagine everything and store it somewhere inside my head, and then LONG for it, and wish it would come. When I have had boyfriends (rare), all of my devotion (inside) has gone to them, and my need for these "god's" would almost disappear (until things got too rocky for a time.) No mental "affairs" or anything, just the reminder, the safety net, the "proof" that things in my life wouldn't always be rocky.

You know, the weird thing, is that Christians (me) say "This is why you need God." He fills those voids, He fills those empty places, He gives us what we need so we don't need to lean on anything else. I didn't used to think this was weird... but now I do. This used to be my refuge (and all I needed to know) but somehow, things are different now. It isn't that I don't believe God, but I still have to get honest and face my issues. I know I'm not condemned for any of this, I think it's just part of being human.

I know that God knows this. The thing is, nobody at church seems to. This is one of those grey areas that, by default, people are supposed to just tell you that you need to trust God I do. But I still, have created my own "gods" to fill in gaps. (Gaps that He already bridged with his death, right?) :) So, now what? Is this just the part of me that God designed for a husband saying "fill me," or what? Those at church don't seem to think so. I must say, I agree with 'em. I never want to resent anyone that I married for the wrong reasons because I THOUGHT I was doing the right thing. Wow... what do I do? :)

Jus Let him be A Man

I want to know how it is, as a wife that I can really allow my husband to just be the man that he is.
When i find his clothes on the floor, will I complain, and think he does not appreciate me?
How do I appreciaate him and not nag?
Will I get mad because he does not remember things, or will i keep in mind, that the average person (male or female) needs to do something an average of 147 times before they really learn it? (to me, this means patience, ladies, and no insults :)

How will I be able to remember this when the things he does seem to be insulting to me?
Can i love him enough to know that he really does LOVE me?
This is my goal!!

Proper Ladies and Gentlemen

I once heard Nancy Leigh DeMoss speak about how her dad tried to train up his children to be "Christian ladies and gentlemen."

I love the idea, and I'm sad that it sooo seams to have disappeared.

So, what does it mean to be a Christian lady?

To quote Nancy again, "A woman's greatest loveliness comes through a modest heart."

So how is a a woman pleasing to a man in this way? Well, lets see, how would she be pleasing to the Lord?

In James it talks about learning to control the tongue, and how this teaches us to gain control over everything else :) So ladies, watch your mouths, I think is the easiest translation of that :)

Women adorn yourselves with modest apparell (1st Timothy Ch.2: 9,10
"Not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is propper for women who profess Godliness with good works."

What I think is cool about this passage is that it doesn't say that women should not ware a little bling, or braid their hair.
It's just saying

Ladies, don't let your heart motive in your dress to be to get people to notice what you have on rather than noticing Christ within you.
Let your dress help Christ to stand out in you rather than making him disappear under your desire for people to notice what you have on.

Of course, another excellent place to go is Proverbs 31, where it speaks about the excellent Wife.
"Her worth is far above rubies."
"She considers a field and buys it."

Now, this isn't limited to property.

It means she is careful in seeking the quality of things.

Whether that's financially, or emotionally, or even physically, she considers profit, she considers consequences, she considers heart-motive. She contemplates it. She's not hasty or impulsive.
She "considers" where her choices will take her.

She thinks about which "investments" would be the best for her household. She then "buys" whatever will yield the most profit. (or the best results).

In Biblical days, the land was what yielded the crop that gave a family their livelihood.

What do I want my livelihood to be?

What do I want a man to notice about me?

What SHOULD I want a man to notice about me?

What does he WANT to notice about me as a "Christian Gentlemen"?

These are all questions I contemplate, as the desire to be married fuels the fire.

"Lord, help me to yield the best crop possible in my 'field' of decisions. Let my motives be pleasing to you, and someday pleasing to my future husband."
In Jesus's Name... Amen" :)