Guidelines

Online, there are a lot of outlines or guidelines for what men say they want in women. Being that I'm a Christian woman, I looked at some guidelines for what a Christian man would want (generally). I looked at a few, and became overwhelmed rather quickly. Honestly, I thought

"I'd have to be Superwoman to do all those things."

Now, there's nothing wrong with guidelines, in fact, it's good to have at least a general idea of what someone wants. But it was what the lists did not say that made my heart drop a little. I saw things like: "She must serve in her local church and be further dedicated to some further source of ministry for all Christians." Okay...fine. That's a great idea. "She must take care of herself physically and look presentable.". Sure. I agree. This is also a good idea. "She must be willing to stay home with our kids and raise them up in the word of God.". Of course... This would be most ideal, would it not. I know, if I had kids, I would be brokenhearted if I could not stay home with them and bring them up. They're only kids once and it goes by so quickly, too! These are all great things to keep in mind. However, my mind started racing because I feel empathy for the things that our amazing men (Christian or not) might not be taught to consider.

Okay, now, I was looking at the guidelines of Christian guys, because I am one, as I said. But the guidelines of these Christian guys(bless their hearts) really turned me off, if you will. I even found an article that explicitly instructed that if a guy wanted to have enough money to provide (Biblically) for his family, he MUST have a career in math or science, and apparently, there are no exceptions (???). This same article even encouraged women to stay away from guys who want to get into... (there was a list of careers that included Psychology and Human Services and teaching, and others that I can't remember). I found myself thinking, "This is entering into the realm of ridiculous!". For the record, I agree that math and science careers generally bring in good money... But I DO NOT agree that these are the only career fields a man should get into in order to provide for his wife.

Guys, listen...I am not going to now write a list of "guidelines" that I really believe women want. I just feel that there are important principles to keep in mind that can help tremendously. It's about getting to know HER. Some guys are trying to get to know what they WANT her to BECOME before they even meet her. Now there's no crime in this...everyone does it sometimes (girls too). But when it all comes down, guys and girls seem to both want the same thing... To be loved and respected for who they really are. I wouldn't want to try and speak for all of woman-kind when I explain. I can only speak for myself. I know, for me, the one thing I want most from a guy is patience. Now, it's an interesting thing because, when I'm hoping for a guy to say that he likes me... This is the longest wait of my life! Guys, if you wanna tell her you like her... please do! In my opinion, there seems to be something a guy likes about keeping a girl in suspense and just knowing that she's holding her breath for him. I'm not trying to cruel, just my honest opinion. I think a woman's best bet is to fall in love with herself... and stay that way. She won't have to do anything... all she has to do is be. I've heard it said before that guys wish they had a clue as to whether or not a girl liked them. My problem is, I've always been afraid to give a guy any indication. If you chase a guy... he'll run, right? Isn't this the opposite of what you want? So, I back away, so he can step into the space. But I think that he just ends up thinking I don't like him. Goodness sakes!

My feeling is, if he's hoping that she likes him, he should check it out a little. Has she said anything in particular to him? (even if it doesn't seem like much?). Has she talked to anyone else about him? Does she build him up and encourage him? These are huge! Anyway, once the big question of "Do we like each other?" is out of the way, I want patience in a guy. There should be disposition about him that says, "I'm not angry with you.". To put it another way: "You're safe with me.". A big part of this, is me knowing that I'm safe with him on a BAD day. This is the one thing that those articles didn't say. Listen guys... she's not Superwoman. She's flesh and bone, and she gets worn out just like you do. She won't always look presentable. When she wakes up in the morning, her hair is messed up and her breath skinks. Many times, she's just worn out and needs a shoulder to cry on. Does she want to have kids at some point? Always ask her (if that happens to be something that's in your plans at some point.) Obviously, these are not things anyone brings up on a first, or second date! These are for later after you've known her for awhile. Part of the model I saw in the articles I read, was talking about the way these guys wanted their kids raised.

Now, kids are an important topic. I'm not saying worry about following a formula. Just keep it in mind that most of the best women...do not fit the mold. The best women, are not what you'll typically find. Chances are, you'll be in love with her because of what's different about her, right? Ironic, isn't it? We make guidelines so that we know what we're looking for, and then best admire (often) the people who don't fit into them! Crazy! :). Anyway, in my opinion, the 3 most important words a guy can say to a woman are "Thank you sweetie!". That and... "You're wonderful darling!". This helps her know you appreciate her, and helps her feel safe.

It seems to me, that it really isn't too much different with guys. They want to be able to do things at their own pace; they want to be trusted and they want respect. This according to several men older than I am whose opinion I respect. These same men also explained to me that men don't appreciate being instructed. To me, once a man knows and trusts a woman well enough, he'll allow her to instruct him... But I'd imagine it probably rather challenging for a man to "give up" his natural desire to be independent and "hunt" for himself and just do his own thing. So girls, just always be his cheerleader! Be honest with him, but choose your words carefully. Always stack any criticism between two layers of praise so he's not afraid to just "be" with you. He has to feel safe with you. No different than a woman, right? I think the difference is in the way the two are carried out, yes?

Think it all boils down to this: Guys don't like to be put into a mold because they need their freedom. Women don't like to be put into a mold because it means they are predictable and boring. And guys, here's a tip: Her biggest fear is that you'll find some reason(s) that you are bored with her and no longer satisfied and then you'll find some reason to reject her. As long as she can keep you intrigued by her mystery, you'll keep your interest and "awe" of her. This is what she craves more than anything --for you to be in "awe" of her and treasure her above all else. Obviously, this takes time and dedication to get to know her. Guys naturally will "solve" things and then move on, right? Of course... this is as it should be. Never with a woman. We love you Mister (whoever you are). We don't ever want you to walk away, but if you ever "solved" us completely, why would you want to stay? Hence the "mystery" that a woman is. The scary thing for a guy is that he knows he'll never fully figure it out, so he gives into it. If you need further proof of that, just watch "It's A Wonderful Life.". But maybe the biggest mystery of all, is that a guy is most intrigued when a woman is simply being herself, and not trying anything.

Ladies, personally, I would go to my heavenly Father and pray for guidance on being the woman that he has made you to be (just because you're amazing all by yourself). But even if you're not particularly spiritually inclined... Sometimes your guidelines can trap you more than they can free you. Guys... same thing. Sometimes, you can accomplish more by letting go than planning and stratagizing and attempting to have all your "ducks in a row," as they say. But, on that note (and then I'll close) guys. THANKYOU for the sincere effort you put into us. It is not easy, is it? What can we women do, if anything, to simplify it? Or is it best to leave you alone? Girls, it's scary for him to step up. Guys, it's scary for her to back off and trust you to take control (gently, patiently). In my opinion, it's more effective to just keep these things in mind rather than to develop this unchanging "image" of what it seems you want, and then miss out on the most fabulous person you could ever know. (This is for both guys and girls) :). Until next entry, take care!

TS (C) December, 2012.