According to author Shaunti Feldham a man can't not notice an attractive woman. Her existence on planet earth will be noted when he sees her. So, we make ourselves attractive, and he notices it... makes sense right? In the world of dating, this seems to be rule number one for women. "make myself attractive so he will notice me.". As a result, we can put a lot of conscious effort into making our appearance just right, according to what we hope will attract a man.
I believe it was actor Jimmy Stewart who once said that a woman does not have to do anything to attract a man... all she has to do is BE. Is it possible for us girls to get the "doing" and the "being" mixed up? Is it possible that it's more difficult for guys than we realize? A man is no stranger to rules and strategies. This is how his brain is wired to solve problems and figure things out. So, when we women are doing certain things to get his attention... he usually can see it a mile away, and he will put up a barrier to protect both himself... and that woman, if he has her best interest in mind. To put it another way, if we chase a guy, he's gonna run, right? Or would he? I've heard many times that guys enjoy being pursued. But according to Dr. James Dobson, a woman who "pursues" a man loses his respect because he has not been able to decide for himself whether or not he's found a good thing and "claim" her. I'll be honest and say that I'm quoting others because I'm not sure I understand all this myself (who does?, right?). It's such a lot to keep straight and such a difficult balance, right?
How do we develop methods for something that's supposed to be spontaneous and magical? If falling in love is so spontaneous and magical, why do we need all these strategies for making it happen? And what happens to us girls when our "efforts" to turn his head, only distract him, and give us a false hope? It seems to me that guys are used to having girls turn their heads... it's a battle that they face everyday. Imagine someone holding a huge sign up in front of you which said:
DON'T READ THIS.
You read it, didn't you? Wait... didn't you know you weren't supposed to? Yeah... but only after you saw it, right? Too late. So it is when it comes to guys being attracted to us girls! Read the book "For Women Only," by Shaunti Feldham it's all in there. Anyway, guys actually have a chemical in their brains that sort of "imprints" women's images in their minds. Ladies, this is something he is born with, and he cannot help it. This means, that a man can be going about his day, just minding his own business, and an image of some woman from ten years ago can pop into his mind (or from ten minutes ago, he doesn't know). At this point, the man has to decide whether he'll indulge that image or "tear it down" and replace it with something else. This happens continually, and for most men, is completely exhausting.
Now, if a man's heart is right, he only wants to be faithful to his girlfriend or his wife. and he will desire to tear that image of that "other girl" down and replace it with the right one. (I would hope). But the thing is, if we women learn this about guys (and even if we don't) it can be too easy for us to think that all guys are just insensitive pigs who won't learn to control themselves. I think deep down, we know this is not true, but we seem to be rewarded for believing that it IS true, right? I mean turn on the TV (pick a time, it doesn't matter). What image is projected? Men are just insensitive, unromantic "clods" who don't care about a girl's feelings, and women are shown usually in two ways: they're either manipulating a man, or teasing him, because they are now used to the insulting belief that he will never do anything right, or they are strategically, seductively, attempting to attract him with just the right, short dress, so that they can have a man in the first place. (This whole thing seems rather counter-productive to me, but anyway). With our minds sort of "hazed" by what we see on TV and on billboards, how do we handle all of this in the real world?
I don't know, that's the thing. All of the above makes the whole dating process quite difficult for me...and confusing; and I believe this process is just as confusing, if not more so for guys. Add Autism into the mix, and you can have something else all together. How does a guy get to know a girl without creeping her out? How can she know that a guy's intentions are good if she is afraid of him pursuing her? This is a big one for me. The truth is, I'm scared to death of a guy pursuing me because I'm always wondering whether he has other motives I know nothing about. I feel much more at ease when a guy "backs up" and let's me decide for myself whether I'm comfortable with him or not. But how do I know he even feels the same way about me? Both guys and girls can send the wrong messages to each other and not even realize it. I get embarrassed when I think of times I spent way too long thinking a guy, was into me... but he was not at all. I mistook what I thought was "nice" for warm, fuzzy feelings, that said "I like you.". Nope. Besides, guys, if you like us, you're not necessarily going to hold up a "sign," right?
I really do believe that it has so much more to do with how the girl feels about herself, rather than trying to make him feel a certain way about her. Is it true that a guy would much rather be drawn to the right girl than manipulated? I can say this: this is the kind of guy I would want. Someone who is attracted to me and wants to work to get me because of the way I ALREADY AM... not the way, I'm TRYING to be, because I think it will impress him. The thing is, it's been so hard for me to "practice" this in my own life because I get stuck thinking that a guy will never want me unless I'm all the right things. Believe me... I have worn myself out trying to "become" what I think a guy wants (and then he does not want me anyway). I do not recommend this. I think that this is the very process that can get most women believing that all guys are pigs in the first place. It's like an internal resentment based on times that we've given of ourselves...and some guy "ran" with what we gave them, but without any intention of giving it back. This sort of "resigning" to the belief that women can expect nothing more out of men (I think) is what can make a woman controlling... and a guy passive.
What if she's angry because she's been hurt before, so she's trying to "control" how he reacts, and he is sorta just along for the ride because of the attention? If she's the right kinda girl...this is not what she wants. If he's the right kinda guy... this is not what he wants either. But many times, I think, this can be what we settle for. I think those with Autism in particular can carry with them a terrible fear of being alone, simply because relationships, or the possibility of a romantic relationship can elude them for so long. The irony, though, is that the process of dating can actually make things more difficult, rather than simplifying them. One reason for this could be that Autistics don't want to bother with anything that feels fake or "set up.". A date, is supposed to be an interaction designed to spark some "attraction" right? (Yes, I meant to rhyme there). But perhaps the fact that this is a "date" to begin with, can sorta ruin all the magic. (???). Now, this not is not always what happens, but it's so easy for us to ware ourselves out, trying to figure it out.
Now, the last point I'll make, is about our appearance as women. I take the bus many places, and I cannot count the times I've watched a female step on to the bus, and I've seen right up her skirt and right down her shirt. She goes down the isle, and I see her low rise pants drop just enough on her hips to reveal that she's wearing thong underwear, or has a strategically placed tattoo. I've seen many groups of girls all stepping on the bus together, and all "bearing" (literally) some sort of tribute to "seduction.". In all honesty, the first thing I do, is pray for the bus driver (if he's a guy). Are these all potential "images" that he (and) every other guy on the bus) will need to "block out" at some point? Possibly... Probably. But I also feel sad that most women don't seem to think it a good idea to up their standards and their value...by covering themselves up. What was that Muhammad Ali told his daughters about Making the most private parts of themselves not easy to get to?
I really think men will value us as much as we require it. They will also treat us as well as we require them to. Secretly, they want a woman who will love herself enough to "up her anti," by not needing them. This, to me, is the ultimate irony about dating... are we not setting up a situation where two people are hoping to fall in love? Now, sometimes it works... they DO fall in love. But I think that possibly this is the reason(s) that dating has not been successful for me personally. I know I want something extraordinary and I'm not interested in giving pieces of myself away to the wrong people in order to "find" the right one (no disrespect intended). Maybe I can turn a man's head with just the right short dress, but I hope that will come after I've turned his heart towards me, simply by being who I already am.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Protecting What is out of Sight
How would someone say grace with a feeding tube in? I would never have pondered this question had it not been for a story told by Joni Ereckson Tada.
She was a guest on Focus on the Family, and told the story of a woman with a specific form of ALS (Lou Gerregg's Disease). This woman's family asked Joni if she could give her a call and offer her some encouragement. With the phone held to her ear by a family member, she told Joni her story. She said that everyday, her breathing was getting less and and less. Doctors said that soon she would have to give them permission to put her on a breathing machine. This was her only option.
"What can I do?," she asked. I don't want to do anything dishonoring to God. I can't do anything, she said. I can't even get up."
When Joni realized what she meant, she began to ask her a little more about her daily routine. The women said she needed to be intravenously fed through a tube put in by her mother. (Some sort of liquid like Ensure).
"Next time she gives you your meal, you can tell her 'Thanks mom, that was good.'". Joni also suggested they say grace before the meal to thank God.
"How would you say grace with a feeding tube?" (I believe Joni was asked the question.). And so, this woman who was feeling that her quality of life, might not be quality enough, had a new perspective.
The counsel given to this lady facing losing the very breath in her body, was that no matter what the situation, God values our lives all the way to the very last second, and he is continually using each life to do extraordinary things, whether we can see them or not. Joni, gave the example of a baby in the womb. For nine months, the infant is in secluded darkness, being formed and shaped. God takes that little life and makes it what he wants it to be, without us knowing all the wonders of his handi-work. Then Joni said something I'll never forget. She said "One day is as a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years are as a day" (. ). In the Hebrew culture, this scripture is interpreted literally. Joni said we often dwell on the first part of it, but forget the second part: "...and a thousand years are as a day."
Each 24 hour increase God gives us, is an opportunity for a thousand years of blessings! (Remember, eternity is a long time). Now, this does not mean, let's all see how well we can behave ourselves (although, that's not a bad idea in principle. It means when we surrender ourselves to God, he is always looking for ways to use us, however, small or seemingly insignificant. Sometimes his most perfect work is done in the things we don't see. Since everyday is a thousand years worth of opportunities.
No, I've never had to think about how I might say grace with a feeding tube; but I know that when I must abandon my list of accomplishments for the day, the week, the month, or even the year because my circumstances or my physical condition won't allow them, I can take heart and know that God is looking at things differently. I have opportunities everywhere to store up rewards in Heaven, wherever I am, whatever is going on.
She was a guest on Focus on the Family, and told the story of a woman with a specific form of ALS (Lou Gerregg's Disease). This woman's family asked Joni if she could give her a call and offer her some encouragement. With the phone held to her ear by a family member, she told Joni her story. She said that everyday, her breathing was getting less and and less. Doctors said that soon she would have to give them permission to put her on a breathing machine. This was her only option.
"What can I do?," she asked. I don't want to do anything dishonoring to God. I can't do anything, she said. I can't even get up."
When Joni realized what she meant, she began to ask her a little more about her daily routine. The women said she needed to be intravenously fed through a tube put in by her mother. (Some sort of liquid like Ensure).
"Next time she gives you your meal, you can tell her 'Thanks mom, that was good.'". Joni also suggested they say grace before the meal to thank God.
"How would you say grace with a feeding tube?" (I believe Joni was asked the question.). And so, this woman who was feeling that her quality of life, might not be quality enough, had a new perspective.
The counsel given to this lady facing losing the very breath in her body, was that no matter what the situation, God values our lives all the way to the very last second, and he is continually using each life to do extraordinary things, whether we can see them or not. Joni, gave the example of a baby in the womb. For nine months, the infant is in secluded darkness, being formed and shaped. God takes that little life and makes it what he wants it to be, without us knowing all the wonders of his handi-work. Then Joni said something I'll never forget. She said "One day is as a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years are as a day" (. ). In the Hebrew culture, this scripture is interpreted literally. Joni said we often dwell on the first part of it, but forget the second part: "...and a thousand years are as a day."
Each 24 hour increase God gives us, is an opportunity for a thousand years of blessings! (Remember, eternity is a long time). Now, this does not mean, let's all see how well we can behave ourselves (although, that's not a bad idea in principle. It means when we surrender ourselves to God, he is always looking for ways to use us, however, small or seemingly insignificant. Sometimes his most perfect work is done in the things we don't see. Since everyday is a thousand years worth of opportunities.
No, I've never had to think about how I might say grace with a feeding tube; but I know that when I must abandon my list of accomplishments for the day, the week, the month, or even the year because my circumstances or my physical condition won't allow them, I can take heart and know that God is looking at things differently. I have opportunities everywhere to store up rewards in Heaven, wherever I am, whatever is going on.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Numbers
I just saw a video on You Tube of Steven Spielberg talking about making "Schindler's List.". He said that his grandmother taught English to Hungarian Holocaust survivors. At the age of 3, Spielberg learned his numbers by reading the numbers stamped on the arms of his grandmother's students. I had to really take this in for a moment. Since when is it right to treat human beings as though they are like merchandise or inventory that must be kept track of?
But this is exactly what happened to millions of Jewish folks, simply because they WERE Jewish. They were "marked" as being different or set apart, for reasons most unthinkable. This got me wondering whether all those numbers were recorded in a book someplace? Why? Were the powers that be saying "We must remember that you are to be destroyed?" But many were to survive and thrive, though they had been marked and sealed (so it was thought) for death. Those who survived, went somewhere to begin a new life. I'd imagine many of them sat in classrooms wanting to learn English. You know... what a stark contrast to a very different book. In Scripture, the Lamb's Book of Life records the names of all those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord & Savior. These individuals are forever "sealed" by his Holy Spirit, making them qualified to spend eternity with Him in paradise.
When he walked this earth, Jesus the Christ, or Yeshua, was a simple carpenter of Nazareth, born in Bethlehem. He descended from the family line of David and his genealogy records the names of four women. (Ruth, Esther, Tamar and Mary, his mother.). This is unusual because as a rule, Jewish genealogies did not include women. To me, this is hard evidence that God is a God of inclusion and acknowledgement, and life. Without these ladies, the Messiah of the world (to those who will acknowledge it) would not have come into existence. God thought this was important so he noted it. Anyway, Jesus is not willing that any should parish. Because he is all knowing and all seeing, He knew each name that had been ignored and replaced by a number in someone's book of death. The evil deeds of men would not win out, evidenced by those who made it through, and lived to tell about it, some of them, apparently teaching a little boy his numbers along the way.
Jesus's payment for our sins made it possible for all of our names to be recorded in the Book of Life (the Lamb, being Jesus himself).
I understand that for many, it is too difficult to believe that a young carpenter from Nazareth rose on the third day, and ascended to Heaven, his lenin wrappings neatly folded up. I wonder how many folks, following those monumental events, heard about them from afar, and sorta said, "Yeah, well, that's what they SAY... but I don't believe it. There are many today, who still claim that the entire Holocaust never took place. This must be both offensive and heartbreaking to anyone directly affected by it. They know it happened because they lived it (whether directly or through generations of their family). Their lives, their hearts...generations of their families changed forever. For them, this is more than adequate proof! For many, that proof, is also in the numbers stamped on their arms. How terrible that anyone has to deal with the insult of unbelief added to the appalling injury of the actual, unspeakable events.
Thomas was able to put his hand in the very place, where Jesus was pierced, and still he doubted the dreadful events of that dark night. But even today, anyone who knows that their sins have truly been forgiven will tell you: "It happened.". Anyone with a number stamped on their arm, knows that the events of the Holocaust are quite real. This "mark" will be with them for the rest of their lives... proof that their name was written down somewhere in someone's book, and that the end result was not intended to be a good one. However, the evil that was afoot did not completely have it's way, and many more women were able to have many more children... and the "fruits" of God's chosen people, continue on. (Amen!!!). As a student, I sat through history classes, never denying the Holocaust, because I saw the evidence...in a distant, that-will-never-happen-to-me, sorta way. But never have I lived it. Never have I lost anyone I love because of it. Never have I known what it's like to be ashamed of my heritage (as Steven Spielberg says he was as a child) because I was born into something that people, for whatever reason did not like. This is something I can only empathize with through the accounts of others.
But on a small level, I do understand what it means to be rejected because of my belief and acceptance of a Jewish carpenter named Jesus, who claimed to be the savior of the world. To many, in Jesus day, this was outright heresy. I've lost relationships and friendships. I've been, teased, mocked, ridiculed and even spat on because of my insistence that the events of Jesus's life are not made up. His Book, the Bible (a book of both life and death) is not made up. The Holocaust, and all of it's horrors, are not made up, but for anyone quite determined not to believe it, I don't know that even seeing an actual concentration camp would change their mind; just as traveling to Israel and walking where Jesus did might not convince someone that he is savior of the world. But for any Believer, whether they have read the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000, or they have known someone with numbers tattooed on their arm, though the experiences be quite different, the numbers don't lie.
(1st Chronicles 16:13).
(John 3:16-17).
To all those innocent lives lost, and all of those who mourn them... we will never forget.
But this is exactly what happened to millions of Jewish folks, simply because they WERE Jewish. They were "marked" as being different or set apart, for reasons most unthinkable. This got me wondering whether all those numbers were recorded in a book someplace? Why? Were the powers that be saying "We must remember that you are to be destroyed?" But many were to survive and thrive, though they had been marked and sealed (so it was thought) for death. Those who survived, went somewhere to begin a new life. I'd imagine many of them sat in classrooms wanting to learn English. You know... what a stark contrast to a very different book. In Scripture, the Lamb's Book of Life records the names of all those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord & Savior. These individuals are forever "sealed" by his Holy Spirit, making them qualified to spend eternity with Him in paradise.
When he walked this earth, Jesus the Christ, or Yeshua, was a simple carpenter of Nazareth, born in Bethlehem. He descended from the family line of David and his genealogy records the names of four women. (Ruth, Esther, Tamar and Mary, his mother.). This is unusual because as a rule, Jewish genealogies did not include women. To me, this is hard evidence that God is a God of inclusion and acknowledgement, and life. Without these ladies, the Messiah of the world (to those who will acknowledge it) would not have come into existence. God thought this was important so he noted it. Anyway, Jesus is not willing that any should parish. Because he is all knowing and all seeing, He knew each name that had been ignored and replaced by a number in someone's book of death. The evil deeds of men would not win out, evidenced by those who made it through, and lived to tell about it, some of them, apparently teaching a little boy his numbers along the way.
Jesus's payment for our sins made it possible for all of our names to be recorded in the Book of Life (the Lamb, being Jesus himself).
I understand that for many, it is too difficult to believe that a young carpenter from Nazareth rose on the third day, and ascended to Heaven, his lenin wrappings neatly folded up. I wonder how many folks, following those monumental events, heard about them from afar, and sorta said, "Yeah, well, that's what they SAY... but I don't believe it. There are many today, who still claim that the entire Holocaust never took place. This must be both offensive and heartbreaking to anyone directly affected by it. They know it happened because they lived it (whether directly or through generations of their family). Their lives, their hearts...generations of their families changed forever. For them, this is more than adequate proof! For many, that proof, is also in the numbers stamped on their arms. How terrible that anyone has to deal with the insult of unbelief added to the appalling injury of the actual, unspeakable events.
Thomas was able to put his hand in the very place, where Jesus was pierced, and still he doubted the dreadful events of that dark night. But even today, anyone who knows that their sins have truly been forgiven will tell you: "It happened.". Anyone with a number stamped on their arm, knows that the events of the Holocaust are quite real. This "mark" will be with them for the rest of their lives... proof that their name was written down somewhere in someone's book, and that the end result was not intended to be a good one. However, the evil that was afoot did not completely have it's way, and many more women were able to have many more children... and the "fruits" of God's chosen people, continue on. (Amen!!!). As a student, I sat through history classes, never denying the Holocaust, because I saw the evidence...in a distant, that-will-never-happen-to-me, sorta way. But never have I lived it. Never have I lost anyone I love because of it. Never have I known what it's like to be ashamed of my heritage (as Steven Spielberg says he was as a child) because I was born into something that people, for whatever reason did not like. This is something I can only empathize with through the accounts of others.
But on a small level, I do understand what it means to be rejected because of my belief and acceptance of a Jewish carpenter named Jesus, who claimed to be the savior of the world. To many, in Jesus day, this was outright heresy. I've lost relationships and friendships. I've been, teased, mocked, ridiculed and even spat on because of my insistence that the events of Jesus's life are not made up. His Book, the Bible (a book of both life and death) is not made up. The Holocaust, and all of it's horrors, are not made up, but for anyone quite determined not to believe it, I don't know that even seeing an actual concentration camp would change their mind; just as traveling to Israel and walking where Jesus did might not convince someone that he is savior of the world. But for any Believer, whether they have read the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000, or they have known someone with numbers tattooed on their arm, though the experiences be quite different, the numbers don't lie.
(1st Chronicles 16:13).
(John 3:16-17).
To all those innocent lives lost, and all of those who mourn them... we will never forget.
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