According to author Shaunti Feldham a man can't not notice an attractive woman. Her existence on planet earth will be noted when he sees her. So, we make ourselves attractive, and he notices it... makes sense right? In the world of dating, this seems to be rule number one for women. "make myself attractive so he will notice me.". As a result, we can put a lot of conscious effort into making our appearance just right, according to what we hope will attract a man.
I believe it was actor Jimmy Stewart who once said that a woman does not have to do anything to attract a man... all she has to do is BE. Is it possible for us girls to get the "doing" and the "being" mixed up? Is it possible that it's more difficult for guys than we realize? A man is no stranger to rules and strategies. This is how his brain is wired to solve problems and figure things out. So, when we women are doing certain things to get his attention... he usually can see it a mile away, and he will put up a barrier to protect both himself... and that woman, if he has her best interest in mind. To put it another way, if we chase a guy, he's gonna run, right? Or would he? I've heard many times that guys enjoy being pursued. But according to Dr. James Dobson, a woman who "pursues" a man loses his respect because he has not been able to decide for himself whether or not he's found a good thing and "claim" her. I'll be honest and say that I'm quoting others because I'm not sure I understand all this myself (who does?, right?). It's such a lot to keep straight and such a difficult balance, right?
How do we develop methods for something that's supposed to be spontaneous and magical? If falling in love is so spontaneous and magical, why do we need all these strategies for making it happen? And what happens to us girls when our "efforts" to turn his head, only distract him, and give us a false hope? It seems to me that guys are used to having girls turn their heads... it's a battle that they face everyday. Imagine someone holding a huge sign up in front of you which said:
DON'T READ THIS.
You read it, didn't you? Wait... didn't you know you weren't supposed to? Yeah... but only after you saw it, right? Too late. So it is when it comes to guys being attracted to us girls! Read the book "For Women Only," by Shaunti Feldham it's all in there. Anyway, guys actually have a chemical in their brains that sort of "imprints" women's images in their minds. Ladies, this is something he is born with, and he cannot help it. This means, that a man can be going about his day, just minding his own business, and an image of some woman from ten years ago can pop into his mind (or from ten minutes ago, he doesn't know). At this point, the man has to decide whether he'll indulge that image or "tear it down" and replace it with something else. This happens continually, and for most men, is completely exhausting.
Now, if a man's heart is right, he only wants to be faithful to his girlfriend or his wife. and he will desire to tear that image of that "other girl" down and replace it with the right one. (I would hope). But the thing is, if we women learn this about guys (and even if we don't) it can be too easy for us to think that all guys are just insensitive pigs who won't learn to control themselves. I think deep down, we know this is not true, but we seem to be rewarded for believing that it IS true, right? I mean turn on the TV (pick a time, it doesn't matter). What image is projected? Men are just insensitive, unromantic "clods" who don't care about a girl's feelings, and women are shown usually in two ways: they're either manipulating a man, or teasing him, because they are now used to the insulting belief that he will never do anything right, or they are strategically, seductively, attempting to attract him with just the right, short dress, so that they can have a man in the first place. (This whole thing seems rather counter-productive to me, but anyway). With our minds sort of "hazed" by what we see on TV and on billboards, how do we handle all of this in the real world?
I don't know, that's the thing. All of the above makes the whole dating process quite difficult for me...and confusing; and I believe this process is just as confusing, if not more so for guys. Add Autism into the mix, and you can have something else all together. How does a guy get to know a girl without creeping her out? How can she know that a guy's intentions are good if she is afraid of him pursuing her? This is a big one for me. The truth is, I'm scared to death of a guy pursuing me because I'm always wondering whether he has other motives I know nothing about. I feel much more at ease when a guy "backs up" and let's me decide for myself whether I'm comfortable with him or not. But how do I know he even feels the same way about me? Both guys and girls can send the wrong messages to each other and not even realize it. I get embarrassed when I think of times I spent way too long thinking a guy, was into me... but he was not at all. I mistook what I thought was "nice" for warm, fuzzy feelings, that said "I like you.". Nope. Besides, guys, if you like us, you're not necessarily going to hold up a "sign," right?
I really do believe that it has so much more to do with how the girl feels about herself, rather than trying to make him feel a certain way about her. Is it true that a guy would much rather be drawn to the right girl than manipulated? I can say this: this is the kind of guy I would want. Someone who is attracted to me and wants to work to get me because of the way I ALREADY AM... not the way, I'm TRYING to be, because I think it will impress him. The thing is, it's been so hard for me to "practice" this in my own life because I get stuck thinking that a guy will never want me unless I'm all the right things. Believe me... I have worn myself out trying to "become" what I think a guy wants (and then he does not want me anyway). I do not recommend this. I think that this is the very process that can get most women believing that all guys are pigs in the first place. It's like an internal resentment based on times that we've given of ourselves...and some guy "ran" with what we gave them, but without any intention of giving it back. This sort of "resigning" to the belief that women can expect nothing more out of men (I think) is what can make a woman controlling... and a guy passive.
What if she's angry because she's been hurt before, so she's trying to "control" how he reacts, and he is sorta just along for the ride because of the attention? If she's the right kinda girl...this is not what she wants. If he's the right kinda guy... this is not what he wants either. But many times, I think, this can be what we settle for. I think those with Autism in particular can carry with them a terrible fear of being alone, simply because relationships, or the possibility of a romantic relationship can elude them for so long. The irony, though, is that the process of dating can actually make things more difficult, rather than simplifying them. One reason for this could be that Autistics don't want to bother with anything that feels fake or "set up.". A date, is supposed to be an interaction designed to spark some "attraction" right? (Yes, I meant to rhyme there). But perhaps the fact that this is a "date" to begin with, can sorta ruin all the magic. (???). Now, this not is not always what happens, but it's so easy for us to ware ourselves out, trying to figure it out.
Now, the last point I'll make, is about our appearance as women. I take the bus many places, and I cannot count the times I've watched a female step on to the bus, and I've seen right up her skirt and right down her shirt. She goes down the isle, and I see her low rise pants drop just enough on her hips to reveal that she's wearing thong underwear, or has a strategically placed tattoo. I've seen many groups of girls all stepping on the bus together, and all "bearing" (literally) some sort of tribute to "seduction.". In all honesty, the first thing I do, is pray for the bus driver (if he's a guy). Are these all potential "images" that he (and) every other guy on the bus) will need to "block out" at some point? Possibly... Probably. But I also feel sad that most women don't seem to think it a good idea to up their standards and their value...by covering themselves up. What was that Muhammad Ali told his daughters about Making the most private parts of themselves not easy to get to?
I really think men will value us as much as we require it. They will also treat us as well as we require them to. Secretly, they want a woman who will love herself enough to "up her anti," by not needing them. This, to me, is the ultimate irony about dating... are we not setting up a situation where two people are hoping to fall in love? Now, sometimes it works... they DO fall in love. But I think that possibly this is the reason(s) that dating has not been successful for me personally. I know I want something extraordinary and I'm not interested in giving pieces of myself away to the wrong people in order to "find" the right one (no disrespect intended). Maybe I can turn a man's head with just the right short dress, but I hope that will come after I've turned his heart towards me, simply by being who I already am.
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