It's hard for me to know where to begin with this post.
After I wrote my quote last night, and my entry about modesty ("Moses Supposes Quotes,") I kept thinking about whether I've ever seen the principle of modesty taught to men. The answer of course, is no. I have a definition...but what do we think of when we think modesty? One of the first things I think of, actually, is "immodesty"... In the form of a woman showing too much cleavage, or too much leg, or both. Interesting. Why do we automatically think of the opposite with a gorgeous word like "modesty"? I'm not sure, but maybe it's because of the reasons we need modesty.
How does a person behave when they are NOT modest? Are they too loud? Do they talk too much, too fast? What sorts of things do they say? Do they attack people with their words? Are they offensive? Do they curse? How do they dress? Do their clothes fit properly? Are they too loose or too tight? Too short? (I should say, Are they PURPOSELY too loose or too tight?). What about eating and drinking? Are they temperate and "adult" in these things, or do they eat too fast, talk with their mouth full and then leave a mess everywhere? How many of you are still thinking of women as I'm saying these things? Right? When I ask up there about teaching modesty to MEN... that's not a typo.
By default, we think of women, and the way that they dress when it comes to modesty...and that's fine. But does/can modesty apply to men as well? Now I think I'll go to the definition: 1. A freedom from conceit or vanity. 2. Propriety in dress, speech, or conduct. So, can these definitions apply to men as well? I think the answer is of course! So, my next question then becomes, why don't they? Let me put it another way: why don't we talk about the way these definitions apply to guys? Probably because of what I said above: We think of women in terms of the way that they are dressed when it comes to modesty. Now, I know I've opened the floodgates here, because this is a weird topic, but let's look at it like this: if modesty in a woman means being a lady, perhaps modesty in a man means being a gentleman. Yes? Wow! Men, are you "proper" in your dress and speech and conduct? Do you make an effort to be free from conceit and vanity? Mind you, I'm not asking if you are perfect in these things...because no one is. But for both women and men: what is the heart motivation in your dress, speech or conduct? Would this be fair?
A sad reality seems to be that most women know nothing about modesty themselves. It's simply not taught...it's not even on the radar screen...even though (as mentioned), we stereo-typically think of women when it comes to modesty). Of course, this is not always the case. But go to the mall on any given day, or turn on the TV. Most of the time, the women are wearing the too short dress with too much cleavage, leading the guy around by the hand, telling him he's gotta get it together, or making fun of him when he isn't in the room (or even worse, when he IS in the room!).
It seems that if he shows "modesty" and decides to be a gentleman, and doesn't stand up for himself, then he's generally perceived as weak and clumsy, (and after all, what else can you expect out of him, right?). If he does present his side, stand of for himself, and ask that she (and her friends) not treat him that way, then most of the women just make him the butt of jokes and, they shrug off what he says, and just tell him he's too sensitive. Either that, or they say he's an INSENSITIVE jerk who just needs to lighten up.
Either way, the underlying message seems to be that women are tough enough to handle anything all the time, and men are weak, stumbling idiots', who only mess everything up. I know, I've written about this before, but it seems to be an issue close to my heart. The image portrayed around me is that if a man is wrong...he's wrong; and that's to be expected. If a man is RIGHT...he's still wrong...and that's to be expected. (!!!). Do I feel this way? No, not at all. I feel brokenhearted because it seems we are teaching women to be men...and men to be women.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Ladies and Gentleman
I learned a valuable lesson yesterday about humility. Won't go into too specific details. I suppose everyone must do this at times...I'm not always sure why it can be so challenging for me...but since I've been learning so much about AS over the last couple years, the insight has been amazing and unbelievable.
But I don't want this to be about AS or any other neurological condition. That's why this post is not on my AS blog. Most of my life, I've been self conscious and paranoid because I knew I needed to "lighten up.". I've kicked myself because I was too sensitive. Why couldn't I just laugh at that joke? What made me cry so easily? Why couldn't I understand what my friend's just laughed at? Even worse, why did I seem to become so angry at the smallest dishonesty, piece of misinformation, misunderstanding, or untruth? Metaphor and innuendo, connotation, imply... I'm an English major, so I can certainly look these words up and define them, write papers on them and give examples. But it's actually much harder for me to understand how these things work in real life. Now, be it known that my friend's are amazing. No disrespect intended here...I'm only expressing a conviction.
One of my college instructors once defined being a lady or a gentleman as: Never willfully causing offense to someone else (or choosing to hold back, so as not to cause offense to someone else). Lord help me. As someone who is passionate and quick tempered; someone who easily over-reacts and says too much too quickly...I need a lot of mercy and patience from others. I've worked very hard at the apparent art of laughing things off, but the honest truth is, I'm really not good at it. There must be a term for knowing when a word or phrase slips into a slot like change into a vending machine... because I've done it all my life. I think this is how I've always "made up for" my biting sensitivity. This is an odd thing to say for someone so determined to be "honest" to a fault, but it's true. Am I making things up? Well, only when I know they are supposed to be (like fairy tales)...or...when I need to because the TRUTH is...that I have no idea what you mean. How many times have you ever had someone say to you that they are just messing with you, and you laughed it off?
Do you like to be messed with? Truth be told: I do not. So, do you now have the image of a "stuffed shirt" who never smiles in your head? I hope not... because that isn't who I am. I have a wonderful sense of humor, very giddy and actually pretty sweet. I'd like to think that I'm just very selective in what I find funny. An innuendo is when someone points something out without literally referring to it. Sarcasm is a kind of wit (or sense of humor) that has a cutting remark that is intended to wound. Okay, truth be told: I can dish it out...but I sure can't take it. Both of those things I defined...I can dish them out, but I can't take them from others. Not really. I think I've learned to be a master of innuendo and sarcasm, but I THINK I learned to do this by sticking all the right words in the right places. Translation: I'm good at making it LOOK like I really know what I'm talking about. Hmmm...interesting. Don't people do this everyday when they go to work? They stick all the right words in the right places so they look like they really know what they are talking about (and most of the time, they DO know what they're talking about)? Right?
So, what am I talking about? What's the difference between Looking like you know what you're talking about, say, in order to keep your job, and just withholding information or words so that someone else does NOT know what you're really doing or saying? Is this Jeopardy? Did I just give my answer in the form of a question? My point is, you know that embarrassing moment when someone realizes that they are painfully slower than the others in the group, and everybody has just "pulled one over" on them? Sometimes people need to be spared from that so that they aren't hurt. Have you ever been laughed at, or made fun of because of a question you asked? I think we all have, but I thought that the only dumb question is the one you don't ask. Yes, this is a "figure" of speech, but why don't we just say what we really mean? Maybe it's because we know that we WILL make fun of any question that we personally find to be ridiculous or stupid, or just too OBVIOUS. I think it's a certain pride, and a false sense of strength that maybe makes us think: "Well, at least I understand more than THAT!
Sometimes I like to think that I'm really smart because I can use all the right figures of speech. I think it takes a lot of practice to know whether to say something or whether to withhold it. I've decided I just want my yes to be yes and my no to be no. Lord only knows how many times I have hurt someone else because of sarcasm, innuendo, and empty words, scoffing at what I believe to be ridiculous because that makes me feel better about myself, getting angry and impatient because someone does not understand me just right, or asks the same question too many times...and yes...deciding that the answer is way too obvious and that the question is stupid...treating someone frivolously, but (of course) not telling them what I really think because I'm actually preying on their emotional weaknesses...which, of course, never makes the OTHER person weak! Right?
I'm a master of the cutting remark, and it kills gentleness and tenderness, and all the other fruits of the spirit, that God says honors him. I'm embarrassed, no longer over what I experienced, but all the unpleasantness that the experience brought out of me. Lord grant me enough courage to let go of grudges, and the need to be right. Help me to identify those things in my life which profuse wrong responses in me. Help me to be a lady. Thank you.
But I don't want this to be about AS or any other neurological condition. That's why this post is not on my AS blog. Most of my life, I've been self conscious and paranoid because I knew I needed to "lighten up.". I've kicked myself because I was too sensitive. Why couldn't I just laugh at that joke? What made me cry so easily? Why couldn't I understand what my friend's just laughed at? Even worse, why did I seem to become so angry at the smallest dishonesty, piece of misinformation, misunderstanding, or untruth? Metaphor and innuendo, connotation, imply... I'm an English major, so I can certainly look these words up and define them, write papers on them and give examples. But it's actually much harder for me to understand how these things work in real life. Now, be it known that my friend's are amazing. No disrespect intended here...I'm only expressing a conviction.
One of my college instructors once defined being a lady or a gentleman as: Never willfully causing offense to someone else (or choosing to hold back, so as not to cause offense to someone else). Lord help me. As someone who is passionate and quick tempered; someone who easily over-reacts and says too much too quickly...I need a lot of mercy and patience from others. I've worked very hard at the apparent art of laughing things off, but the honest truth is, I'm really not good at it. There must be a term for knowing when a word or phrase slips into a slot like change into a vending machine... because I've done it all my life. I think this is how I've always "made up for" my biting sensitivity. This is an odd thing to say for someone so determined to be "honest" to a fault, but it's true. Am I making things up? Well, only when I know they are supposed to be (like fairy tales)...or...when I need to because the TRUTH is...that I have no idea what you mean. How many times have you ever had someone say to you that they are just messing with you, and you laughed it off?
Do you like to be messed with? Truth be told: I do not. So, do you now have the image of a "stuffed shirt" who never smiles in your head? I hope not... because that isn't who I am. I have a wonderful sense of humor, very giddy and actually pretty sweet. I'd like to think that I'm just very selective in what I find funny. An innuendo is when someone points something out without literally referring to it. Sarcasm is a kind of wit (or sense of humor) that has a cutting remark that is intended to wound. Okay, truth be told: I can dish it out...but I sure can't take it. Both of those things I defined...I can dish them out, but I can't take them from others. Not really. I think I've learned to be a master of innuendo and sarcasm, but I THINK I learned to do this by sticking all the right words in the right places. Translation: I'm good at making it LOOK like I really know what I'm talking about. Hmmm...interesting. Don't people do this everyday when they go to work? They stick all the right words in the right places so they look like they really know what they are talking about (and most of the time, they DO know what they're talking about)? Right?
So, what am I talking about? What's the difference between Looking like you know what you're talking about, say, in order to keep your job, and just withholding information or words so that someone else does NOT know what you're really doing or saying? Is this Jeopardy? Did I just give my answer in the form of a question? My point is, you know that embarrassing moment when someone realizes that they are painfully slower than the others in the group, and everybody has just "pulled one over" on them? Sometimes people need to be spared from that so that they aren't hurt. Have you ever been laughed at, or made fun of because of a question you asked? I think we all have, but I thought that the only dumb question is the one you don't ask. Yes, this is a "figure" of speech, but why don't we just say what we really mean? Maybe it's because we know that we WILL make fun of any question that we personally find to be ridiculous or stupid, or just too OBVIOUS. I think it's a certain pride, and a false sense of strength that maybe makes us think: "Well, at least I understand more than THAT!
Sometimes I like to think that I'm really smart because I can use all the right figures of speech. I think it takes a lot of practice to know whether to say something or whether to withhold it. I've decided I just want my yes to be yes and my no to be no. Lord only knows how many times I have hurt someone else because of sarcasm, innuendo, and empty words, scoffing at what I believe to be ridiculous because that makes me feel better about myself, getting angry and impatient because someone does not understand me just right, or asks the same question too many times...and yes...deciding that the answer is way too obvious and that the question is stupid...treating someone frivolously, but (of course) not telling them what I really think because I'm actually preying on their emotional weaknesses...which, of course, never makes the OTHER person weak! Right?
I'm a master of the cutting remark, and it kills gentleness and tenderness, and all the other fruits of the spirit, that God says honors him. I'm embarrassed, no longer over what I experienced, but all the unpleasantness that the experience brought out of me. Lord grant me enough courage to let go of grudges, and the need to be right. Help me to identify those things in my life which profuse wrong responses in me. Help me to be a lady. Thank you.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
He's Working...
This morning as I was thinking about Christmas presents to make and groceries to buy, I heard yet another Christian Mingle commercial. There's a Christian radio station I listen to, and Christian Mingle is one of their sponsors. So their ads are broadcast about every half hour. So, thank you so much Christian Mingle for helping my favorite radio programs to stay on the air. I so appreciate that! :)
Now, I've used Christian Mingle myself, and my experience with them was one of integrity. They are honest about their rates and policies, and I LOVE the fact that they have a writer's forum! If writing is your thing and you want to try a dating site...I think Christian Mingle is worth it. I learned so much about myself, and about others there...
Okay, red light.
Believe it or not... This is not encouragement to JOIN a dating site. The most powerful thing I learned on Christian Mingle, was that a "dating site" is not the way that God wants to bring my husband into my life. Now, if you've used a dating site and it works for you and you know it's His will... Wonderful! God is good! :). But this entry is for all those who have a calling on their lives to stay away from the dating site "bandwagon". Now, unfortunately, dating sites have become such an accepted part of our pop culture, that there now is a "bandwagon" that singles are encouraged to jump on...even if it's a Christian bandwagon. Did you know that E-Harmony was one of the earliest (if not, the FIRST) online dating sites, founded by Christian psychologist Dr. Neil Clark Warren?
Now, as someone who (admittedly) put marriage on a pedestal and made an idol out of it, it has been quite difficult for me to "wait on the Lord" in this area! I know now that I've not been attracted to a man (well, okay, I've been temporarily attracted to several...even if they were only on TV). But I've actually been attracted to an ongoing adrenaline rush of anticipation. The anticipation of hearing the Wedding March. But, in honesty, the idea of a wedding gives me more anxiety than anything else. Too many details to plan... yikes! But, even so...from the age of 18, the idea of meeting this incredibly gorgeous guy, and kissing and hugging and holding and heavy petting, have "driven" me to want to get married.(ahhh, now we're getting down to it). It only stands to reason...guess what comes after the wedding day? The wedding night. (I've actually been dreaming of my wedding DAY since I was eight, but that's another story :). Wow. Even as I write this, I am embarrassed, because I realize that I've been dishonest with the God I say I serve...
The above paragraph has some bold statements, but I'm glad I started with them, because I don't want this writing to be another whining tangent about why it has not happened for me yet, or how unfair I think it is that the single life is glorified, while marriage is portrayed as some prison that people get stuck in. No. Honesty and responsibility... These are my goals here. Okay, another bold statement: I have not a had a boyfriend since the age of 18. It's been a long time. And, it has not been for lack of trying. As you can imagine, I HATE the "gift of singleness" talk, and anyone who wants to complain because they have not had a boyfriend in... 3 months...6 months...a year...two years, should just tell your story walking because let's just say, you'd never wanna trade places with me! :). Now, here's the thing, back when I was just 14 years old, I had boyfriend who was a complete jerk and made me feel bad about myself. At 15 I became a Christian, and was totally convicted that this guy needed to be done away with...he was not a godly person (duh, right?). At 16, I fell too hard, too fast, for an AMAZING Christian guy that I really did believe I would marry. We became too heavily involved and often found ourselves in compromising situations where we would "test" how close we could get to the line of fire without actually getting burned. We were alone too much, and were told to just watch ourselves and be careful.
So at 16, this became my idea of "waiting on the Lord" and staying pure. I reasoned that because we had never "crossed" the line of fire (if you will) then we had not done anything wrong. So, lust ruled us for the next two years, I graduated high school at 17, and the following year, shortly after he graduated, we very abruptly...broke up. Now, I realize very clearly that when we are instructed in scripture to not awaken love until it pleases, there's a reason for that! God does not want us doing what's "right" based only on a technicality! Maybe we had not crossed the line of fire, but we were definitely playing with it! We absolutely, had "awakened" love before the time was right, and that started a fire...that very abruptly went out. Now, a nice Christian girl going through all of this with a nice Christian guy never thinks that her brain is using lust like a drug so that her body can "get high" on it. She also never thinks that this can happen WITHOUT crossing the line of fire. She thinks that as long as she's NOT engaging in the one act forbidden to all unmarried Christians...she's fine...right?
Wrong.
Every young teen couple thinks that what they have is the most amazing thing on earth, and that they are completely devoted to each other. Adrenaline tends to put that mask on things. To reduce such a "sacred" thing down to a "drug" that a couple is getting high from could seem like a travesty. Here's the thing you guys: God knew that I could not recover from this sort of "withdrawal"... not for a LONG time anyway! It was at this time in my life that something began to happen to me that I could not explain: I walked around, LITERALLY feeling like half a person. Something had been torn away...broken in pieces...and I could not repair it, or replace it. It was like I had "scraped" my very soul, and now I could not stop the bleeding. What had happened? My high school boyfriend & I had broken up... that's all.
But that was NOT all! There was no divorce, because there had been no marriage, but something had definitely been joined...because now it was broken, and it was KILLING me! There was no death...I'd only broken up with my high school boyfriend right? So why did I feel like a widow who had lost her husband? Why was it literally like half of me was gone... and why was it supposed to be the best news of my life that I would "find somebody else"? Talk about a huge insult added to a severe injury! You mean I was supposed to be happy about going through all this AGAIN? All of this came from the "withdrawal" of being so attached to the "lust" that my inexperience told me was love. It seemed as though the bleeding, open wound, and all the baggage attached was left hanging in space, and I was the one with the gauze. THIS was the entering and exiting of relationships in order to find the right one, that everybody was so cavalier about?? Anyway, when I began to get my strength back, I did in fact, reason, that I would just "find somebody else.". Or that God would soon "bring" me someone else, to be more spiritual about it. I would not allow myself to understand just how NOT ready I was (in any case) for any such thing.
Hey, everybody else around me, Christian or not, seemed to just go on, and find somebody else, right? Why couldn't I? So, three things happened: I became intensely angry with my Father, because each time there was even a hint of another boyfriend on the horizon, God not only would close that door, he would SLAM it in my face! (I soooo THANK him now, for doing that!). Secondly, I truly felt the separation and the "sting" of being true to my savor, because I was NOT like most people around me... Christian or not! It REALLY get's tough when you realize that God won't allow you to "fit" even with the other Christians around you! Not looking like the world is one thing...not blending in with your Christian brothers and sisters where it's comfortable is something else entirely!! Thirdly, I noticed that my devotion poured out for a man who was no longer in my life would not allow me to even be free to be involved...with ANYONE. It was just too much! Not only was my cup empty...it was bone dry! I had nothing left to give! (What if the RIGHT man came along and now I had nothing left to give HIM?)
Time out. God is always on time. He is never late...but there's no need for him to ever be early either. His timing is perfect, so never is he rushed. Sometimes it takes the most time, I think, for him to clean up a mess we've made. I know now, that God has waited a LONG time on my behalf...so that I would truly be okay. I didn't realize it then, but I was trying to follow the World's pattern of doing things and and then getting angry with God because He wasn't allowing it to work! (Thank you Lord that it did not!!). I then began comparing myself with other Christians around me, and every time another brother or sister would get in a relationship, engaged, or married, I would then deepen my own personal grudge against God. I would say to him that he let it happen for them...so he could let it happen for me too. But he couldn't. Because I keep pouring salt in the very wounds he's wanting to heal. Really, it boils down to three words: I. Haven't. Submitted. I never have...not really.
The pain continued, and I began to be afraid that my dream of marriage would never be...so I would vigorously try to resurrect it...by seeking out another relationship, or arguing with God again, or even worse, trying to prove to God that I had all my ducks in a row, and surely NOW would be the time, right? I've heard that bargaining is part of the grief process, and truthfully, mine's gone on for years! Interesting. Isn't this the total opposite of the freedom Christians have in Christ? Don't we tell people that we have nothing to prove to Him? So what on earth was I trying to prove?? That I COULD handle it THIS time if he just let me try it again? As Chip Ingram says, that's like hitting your thumb with a hammer, feeling the pain, and then hitting it again, thinking the result will be different. (I'm so happy God never answered that prayer!!)
I found it interesting that no matter what else I seemed to occupy my time with, the pain inside never seemed to completely go away. It was like this terrible shadow cast on the "single" life that I was supposed to be enjoying so much. Is it really supposed to be THIS bad?? Is it supposed to go on for THIS long?? In my case...yes. God has had to keep undoing the damage from the salt that I keep pouring in my wounds by running ahead of him, chasing after the wrong thing, justifying it, running after it again...and so on. After a while, I really did just want to feel normal again, and I became truly afraid that this would never happen. Another year would go by, and then another, and I would vigorously try to understand, why I could not seem to just be happy with myself and just know God is enough, and that's enough. There truly was a pain inside that I couldn't identify...but trying to bury it, or rid myself of it quicker, only made it so much worse. The hurt seemed to drown everything else, including the joy of just enjoying myself.
So, God has loved me through this, and alowed me to ware myself out...and now I can say that my singleness truly is a gift from God and I'm very grateful for it! I've been so busy trying to change the season, that I never truly allowed God to show me the courage to embrace the season I'm already in. I learned how to say all the right things and look well put together on the outside... but was still crumbling on the inside. I find that stubbornness can teach us a lot about ourselves, because God won't move us until we give it up. In that time...or should I say, "Time out"... there are a lot of lessons he'll go over with us, until we surrender. I say all of this, because when I was on "Christian Mingle" it was only because I had "jumped on the bandwagon.". The commercials are everywhere... and let's face...it seems like everybody's at least trying it, right? No. Not everyone. That's not true. But I think it's interesting how the ads seem to really agree with a person's vulnerabilities. Sometimes, it does seem like you'll never find the one God intended for you. Don't force a solution. Whether it's with Christian Mingle or anything else. This might spike your adrenaline because of all the gorgeous guys, and even get you a relationship... but is it God's will for your life?
This is for anyone who is having to do things the HARD hard way...and it's a lot harder than they THOUGHT they KNEW it was. This is for anyone who's tempted about every half hour to jump on a "bandwagon" that God has told them to stay off of...no matter how many other Christians had found success that way. This is for anyone who's sincerely cried out to God, and thought they couldn't stand another minute of being alone, and then felt guilty as they tried to pick themselves up: "Isn't God enough?". I'm so happy to say...YES HE IS!! I know what it's like when the clichet's just don't work anymore, but the God of peace is so much more than a cliche' about his timing. I find that he HAS shown me that this really is not nearly as difficult as I've made it. I only needed to let go. Gee, no wonder it's taken so long! :). Let Him heal the wound.
Now, I've used Christian Mingle myself, and my experience with them was one of integrity. They are honest about their rates and policies, and I LOVE the fact that they have a writer's forum! If writing is your thing and you want to try a dating site...I think Christian Mingle is worth it. I learned so much about myself, and about others there...
Okay, red light.
Believe it or not... This is not encouragement to JOIN a dating site. The most powerful thing I learned on Christian Mingle, was that a "dating site" is not the way that God wants to bring my husband into my life. Now, if you've used a dating site and it works for you and you know it's His will... Wonderful! God is good! :). But this entry is for all those who have a calling on their lives to stay away from the dating site "bandwagon". Now, unfortunately, dating sites have become such an accepted part of our pop culture, that there now is a "bandwagon" that singles are encouraged to jump on...even if it's a Christian bandwagon. Did you know that E-Harmony was one of the earliest (if not, the FIRST) online dating sites, founded by Christian psychologist Dr. Neil Clark Warren?
Now, as someone who (admittedly) put marriage on a pedestal and made an idol out of it, it has been quite difficult for me to "wait on the Lord" in this area! I know now that I've not been attracted to a man (well, okay, I've been temporarily attracted to several...even if they were only on TV). But I've actually been attracted to an ongoing adrenaline rush of anticipation. The anticipation of hearing the Wedding March. But, in honesty, the idea of a wedding gives me more anxiety than anything else. Too many details to plan... yikes! But, even so...from the age of 18, the idea of meeting this incredibly gorgeous guy, and kissing and hugging and holding and heavy petting, have "driven" me to want to get married.(ahhh, now we're getting down to it). It only stands to reason...guess what comes after the wedding day? The wedding night. (I've actually been dreaming of my wedding DAY since I was eight, but that's another story :). Wow. Even as I write this, I am embarrassed, because I realize that I've been dishonest with the God I say I serve...
The above paragraph has some bold statements, but I'm glad I started with them, because I don't want this writing to be another whining tangent about why it has not happened for me yet, or how unfair I think it is that the single life is glorified, while marriage is portrayed as some prison that people get stuck in. No. Honesty and responsibility... These are my goals here. Okay, another bold statement: I have not a had a boyfriend since the age of 18. It's been a long time. And, it has not been for lack of trying. As you can imagine, I HATE the "gift of singleness" talk, and anyone who wants to complain because they have not had a boyfriend in... 3 months...6 months...a year...two years, should just tell your story walking because let's just say, you'd never wanna trade places with me! :). Now, here's the thing, back when I was just 14 years old, I had boyfriend who was a complete jerk and made me feel bad about myself. At 15 I became a Christian, and was totally convicted that this guy needed to be done away with...he was not a godly person (duh, right?). At 16, I fell too hard, too fast, for an AMAZING Christian guy that I really did believe I would marry. We became too heavily involved and often found ourselves in compromising situations where we would "test" how close we could get to the line of fire without actually getting burned. We were alone too much, and were told to just watch ourselves and be careful.
So at 16, this became my idea of "waiting on the Lord" and staying pure. I reasoned that because we had never "crossed" the line of fire (if you will) then we had not done anything wrong. So, lust ruled us for the next two years, I graduated high school at 17, and the following year, shortly after he graduated, we very abruptly...broke up. Now, I realize very clearly that when we are instructed in scripture to not awaken love until it pleases, there's a reason for that! God does not want us doing what's "right" based only on a technicality! Maybe we had not crossed the line of fire, but we were definitely playing with it! We absolutely, had "awakened" love before the time was right, and that started a fire...that very abruptly went out. Now, a nice Christian girl going through all of this with a nice Christian guy never thinks that her brain is using lust like a drug so that her body can "get high" on it. She also never thinks that this can happen WITHOUT crossing the line of fire. She thinks that as long as she's NOT engaging in the one act forbidden to all unmarried Christians...she's fine...right?
Wrong.
Every young teen couple thinks that what they have is the most amazing thing on earth, and that they are completely devoted to each other. Adrenaline tends to put that mask on things. To reduce such a "sacred" thing down to a "drug" that a couple is getting high from could seem like a travesty. Here's the thing you guys: God knew that I could not recover from this sort of "withdrawal"... not for a LONG time anyway! It was at this time in my life that something began to happen to me that I could not explain: I walked around, LITERALLY feeling like half a person. Something had been torn away...broken in pieces...and I could not repair it, or replace it. It was like I had "scraped" my very soul, and now I could not stop the bleeding. What had happened? My high school boyfriend & I had broken up... that's all.
But that was NOT all! There was no divorce, because there had been no marriage, but something had definitely been joined...because now it was broken, and it was KILLING me! There was no death...I'd only broken up with my high school boyfriend right? So why did I feel like a widow who had lost her husband? Why was it literally like half of me was gone... and why was it supposed to be the best news of my life that I would "find somebody else"? Talk about a huge insult added to a severe injury! You mean I was supposed to be happy about going through all this AGAIN? All of this came from the "withdrawal" of being so attached to the "lust" that my inexperience told me was love. It seemed as though the bleeding, open wound, and all the baggage attached was left hanging in space, and I was the one with the gauze. THIS was the entering and exiting of relationships in order to find the right one, that everybody was so cavalier about?? Anyway, when I began to get my strength back, I did in fact, reason, that I would just "find somebody else.". Or that God would soon "bring" me someone else, to be more spiritual about it. I would not allow myself to understand just how NOT ready I was (in any case) for any such thing.
Hey, everybody else around me, Christian or not, seemed to just go on, and find somebody else, right? Why couldn't I? So, three things happened: I became intensely angry with my Father, because each time there was even a hint of another boyfriend on the horizon, God not only would close that door, he would SLAM it in my face! (I soooo THANK him now, for doing that!). Secondly, I truly felt the separation and the "sting" of being true to my savor, because I was NOT like most people around me... Christian or not! It REALLY get's tough when you realize that God won't allow you to "fit" even with the other Christians around you! Not looking like the world is one thing...not blending in with your Christian brothers and sisters where it's comfortable is something else entirely!! Thirdly, I noticed that my devotion poured out for a man who was no longer in my life would not allow me to even be free to be involved...with ANYONE. It was just too much! Not only was my cup empty...it was bone dry! I had nothing left to give! (What if the RIGHT man came along and now I had nothing left to give HIM?)
Time out. God is always on time. He is never late...but there's no need for him to ever be early either. His timing is perfect, so never is he rushed. Sometimes it takes the most time, I think, for him to clean up a mess we've made. I know now, that God has waited a LONG time on my behalf...so that I would truly be okay. I didn't realize it then, but I was trying to follow the World's pattern of doing things and and then getting angry with God because He wasn't allowing it to work! (Thank you Lord that it did not!!). I then began comparing myself with other Christians around me, and every time another brother or sister would get in a relationship, engaged, or married, I would then deepen my own personal grudge against God. I would say to him that he let it happen for them...so he could let it happen for me too. But he couldn't. Because I keep pouring salt in the very wounds he's wanting to heal. Really, it boils down to three words: I. Haven't. Submitted. I never have...not really.
The pain continued, and I began to be afraid that my dream of marriage would never be...so I would vigorously try to resurrect it...by seeking out another relationship, or arguing with God again, or even worse, trying to prove to God that I had all my ducks in a row, and surely NOW would be the time, right? I've heard that bargaining is part of the grief process, and truthfully, mine's gone on for years! Interesting. Isn't this the total opposite of the freedom Christians have in Christ? Don't we tell people that we have nothing to prove to Him? So what on earth was I trying to prove?? That I COULD handle it THIS time if he just let me try it again? As Chip Ingram says, that's like hitting your thumb with a hammer, feeling the pain, and then hitting it again, thinking the result will be different. (I'm so happy God never answered that prayer!!)
I found it interesting that no matter what else I seemed to occupy my time with, the pain inside never seemed to completely go away. It was like this terrible shadow cast on the "single" life that I was supposed to be enjoying so much. Is it really supposed to be THIS bad?? Is it supposed to go on for THIS long?? In my case...yes. God has had to keep undoing the damage from the salt that I keep pouring in my wounds by running ahead of him, chasing after the wrong thing, justifying it, running after it again...and so on. After a while, I really did just want to feel normal again, and I became truly afraid that this would never happen. Another year would go by, and then another, and I would vigorously try to understand, why I could not seem to just be happy with myself and just know God is enough, and that's enough. There truly was a pain inside that I couldn't identify...but trying to bury it, or rid myself of it quicker, only made it so much worse. The hurt seemed to drown everything else, including the joy of just enjoying myself.
So, God has loved me through this, and alowed me to ware myself out...and now I can say that my singleness truly is a gift from God and I'm very grateful for it! I've been so busy trying to change the season, that I never truly allowed God to show me the courage to embrace the season I'm already in. I learned how to say all the right things and look well put together on the outside... but was still crumbling on the inside. I find that stubbornness can teach us a lot about ourselves, because God won't move us until we give it up. In that time...or should I say, "Time out"... there are a lot of lessons he'll go over with us, until we surrender. I say all of this, because when I was on "Christian Mingle" it was only because I had "jumped on the bandwagon.". The commercials are everywhere... and let's face...it seems like everybody's at least trying it, right? No. Not everyone. That's not true. But I think it's interesting how the ads seem to really agree with a person's vulnerabilities. Sometimes, it does seem like you'll never find the one God intended for you. Don't force a solution. Whether it's with Christian Mingle or anything else. This might spike your adrenaline because of all the gorgeous guys, and even get you a relationship... but is it God's will for your life?
This is for anyone who is having to do things the HARD hard way...and it's a lot harder than they THOUGHT they KNEW it was. This is for anyone who's tempted about every half hour to jump on a "bandwagon" that God has told them to stay off of...no matter how many other Christians had found success that way. This is for anyone who's sincerely cried out to God, and thought they couldn't stand another minute of being alone, and then felt guilty as they tried to pick themselves up: "Isn't God enough?". I'm so happy to say...YES HE IS!! I know what it's like when the clichet's just don't work anymore, but the God of peace is so much more than a cliche' about his timing. I find that he HAS shown me that this really is not nearly as difficult as I've made it. I only needed to let go. Gee, no wonder it's taken so long! :). Let Him heal the wound.
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