I learned a valuable lesson yesterday about humility. Won't go into too specific details. I suppose everyone must do this at times...I'm not always sure why it can be so challenging for me...but since I've been learning so much about AS over the last couple years, the insight has been amazing and unbelievable.
But I don't want this to be about AS or any other neurological condition. That's why this post is not on my AS blog. Most of my life, I've been self conscious and paranoid because I knew I needed to "lighten up.". I've kicked myself because I was too sensitive. Why couldn't I just laugh at that joke? What made me cry so easily? Why couldn't I understand what my friend's just laughed at? Even worse, why did I seem to become so angry at the smallest dishonesty, piece of misinformation, misunderstanding, or untruth? Metaphor and innuendo, connotation, imply... I'm an English major, so I can certainly look these words up and define them, write papers on them and give examples. But it's actually much harder for me to understand how these things work in real life. Now, be it known that my friend's are amazing. No disrespect intended here...I'm only expressing a conviction.
One of my college instructors once defined being a lady or a gentleman as: Never willfully causing offense to someone else (or choosing to hold back, so as not to cause offense to someone else). Lord help me. As someone who is passionate and quick tempered; someone who easily over-reacts and says too much too quickly...I need a lot of mercy and patience from others. I've worked very hard at the apparent art of laughing things off, but the honest truth is, I'm really not good at it. There must be a term for knowing when a word or phrase slips into a slot like change into a vending machine... because I've done it all my life. I think this is how I've always "made up for" my biting sensitivity. This is an odd thing to say for someone so determined to be "honest" to a fault, but it's true. Am I making things up? Well, only when I know they are supposed to be (like fairy tales)...or...when I need to because the TRUTH is...that I have no idea what you mean. How many times have you ever had someone say to you that they are just messing with you, and you laughed it off?
Do you like to be messed with? Truth be told: I do not. So, do you now have the image of a "stuffed shirt" who never smiles in your head? I hope not... because that isn't who I am. I have a wonderful sense of humor, very giddy and actually pretty sweet. I'd like to think that I'm just very selective in what I find funny. An innuendo is when someone points something out without literally referring to it. Sarcasm is a kind of wit (or sense of humor) that has a cutting remark that is intended to wound. Okay, truth be told: I can dish it out...but I sure can't take it. Both of those things I defined...I can dish them out, but I can't take them from others. Not really. I think I've learned to be a master of innuendo and sarcasm, but I THINK I learned to do this by sticking all the right words in the right places. Translation: I'm good at making it LOOK like I really know what I'm talking about. Hmmm...interesting. Don't people do this everyday when they go to work? They stick all the right words in the right places so they look like they really know what they are talking about (and most of the time, they DO know what they're talking about)? Right?
So, what am I talking about? What's the difference between Looking like you know what you're talking about, say, in order to keep your job, and just withholding information or words so that someone else does NOT know what you're really doing or saying? Is this Jeopardy? Did I just give my answer in the form of a question? My point is, you know that embarrassing moment when someone realizes that they are painfully slower than the others in the group, and everybody has just "pulled one over" on them? Sometimes people need to be spared from that so that they aren't hurt. Have you ever been laughed at, or made fun of because of a question you asked? I think we all have, but I thought that the only dumb question is the one you don't ask. Yes, this is a "figure" of speech, but why don't we just say what we really mean? Maybe it's because we know that we WILL make fun of any question that we personally find to be ridiculous or stupid, or just too OBVIOUS. I think it's a certain pride, and a false sense of strength that maybe makes us think: "Well, at least I understand more than THAT!
Sometimes I like to think that I'm really smart because I can use all the right figures of speech. I think it takes a lot of practice to know whether to say something or whether to withhold it. I've decided I just want my yes to be yes and my no to be no. Lord only knows how many times I have hurt someone else because of sarcasm, innuendo, and empty words, scoffing at what I believe to be ridiculous because that makes me feel better about myself, getting angry and impatient because someone does not understand me just right, or asks the same question too many times...and yes...deciding that the answer is way too obvious and that the question is stupid...treating someone frivolously, but (of course) not telling them what I really think because I'm actually preying on their emotional weaknesses...which, of course, never makes the OTHER person weak! Right?
I'm a master of the cutting remark, and it kills gentleness and tenderness, and all the other fruits of the spirit, that God says honors him. I'm embarrassed, no longer over what I experienced, but all the unpleasantness that the experience brought out of me. Lord grant me enough courage to let go of grudges, and the need to be right. Help me to identify those things in my life which profuse wrong responses in me. Help me to be a lady. Thank you.
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