Boredom

It's possible to want to be married because you're bored. I think now, that this is why I made an idol out of marriage without realizing it. Marriage has always seemed like the one thing I actually believed I was brave enough to do, that symbolizes every grown up thing I haven't done yet. I would be connected, joined... one. Of course, there are many ways to "cure" boredom aside from committing your life to someone... thinking that this will fill in the gaps. I've been told so many times that if I'm not happy with my life now, I won't be when I'm married. The truth is, there are issues in my life that I need to face up to that have been easier to ignore. I think I need a regular job now (as much as I love writing). Sure, I'm taking a college class, but who else am I helping or serving? How am I contributing to society in useful ways? I don't think that blogging. watering plants and taking out trash is enough anymore :)

Grace

If my husband and I moved away to some island somewhere, and all we had to do was hold each other, I suppose, then, I could get married. But this isn't a deserted island.. it's the real world. I once heard Henry Fonda say (in "yours Mine and Ours") that it isnt going to bed with a man that proves your in love with him, it's getting up in the morning and facing the cold cruel, miserable world with him that counts. Anyway, it was something to that afffect. Will I be able to face the miserable world with this guy? Can I face broken plans and unexpected disasters (That may not be disasters) with grace? I know I can't have the answers to all these questions now... but I keep wanting them anyway. I refuse to base a marriage on fear that it may not work out. This is a recipe for disaster. I wanna stand on God's truth, and let him guide me.

I don't get it... if the dreams in my head are so much better than the real thing, and my life is much simpler now, why can't I just take singleness and go? If I've got it all right here, why don't I believe it? If I don't "got it all" right here, am I trying to say that God isn't enough? What am I missing?

Ladies, what time is it?

I confided in a friend the other day, some of my feelings towards guys, and just some general life happenings; and some of what I said had tremendous angst in it. My friend mentioned to me that more than one thing was happening to me simultaneously, and asked me to consider whether hormones had anything to do with it. Sometimes our body wants someone more than our mind does (??) I soon found that my friend was right. I have infact, noticed that during those times when hormones turn up the volume on my emotions, I desire "Mr. Right" more intensely. I pray for him more intensely. I wonder where he is more intensely, and I worry that I won't find him... more intensely. (Jer. 29:11, remember)? Sometimes, these torrrents of anger come spilling out of me, and I have to go in my room and silently "scream" to the Lord, because he's the only one who can handle what's going on in me. Married women help me out here... do you go through this too?

But I also tend to plead with the Lord more intensely about why I should be married to this man that I am most certainly lusting after.... (let it come quickly, I say). A woman's heart can be the biggest battlefield on earth! How do we contend with all of this, when our desires can turn us inside out on a normal day? During those times when the intensity of feeling is spiked up, and a hanger put out of place can make the world stop spinning, how do we handle it, when the desire to be in our husband's arms is drowning us... but we need to come up for air?

Maybe...

I've been told before that maybe I can't live with anybody... because "some people just can't." If this is so true, than why do I want to get married so badly? I've tried to go backwards, and say "Well, if I'm supposed to be single..." I know that if I were to be single the rest of my life, I could... God would give me the grace to do that. But I really feel that entertaining this idea anymore is now an insult in God's ears because He's made it clear to me that he has someone for me... it's just a matter of when. But marriage is becomming what we aren't for the benefit of someone else (to a degree). How does one do that? How do you surrender yourself for the sake of someone else? If I can't live with anybody day to day... how do I ever expect to be married?

Inseure about what others think of me. I think women are afraid to get married because they've been hurt by men, belittled.... so they get defensive. I think men are afraid to get married because women are defensixe. They're agressive because they're tired of the wrong men making them feel worthless. Not all men are this way. I've known too many sweet, wonderful, sensative, Godly men to think otherwise. However, sometimes, out of sheer frustration, I find myself giving in to the myth that all the right kind of guys are either already married, or they're not into girls.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.
Plans for good and not for evil,
to give you a future and a hope. Jer. 29:11