Men?

It's hard for me to know where to begin with this post.

After I wrote my quote last night, and my entry about modesty ("Moses Supposes Quotes,") I kept thinking about whether I've ever seen the principle of modesty taught to men. The answer of course, is no. I have a definition...but what do we think of when we think modesty? One of the first things I think of, actually, is "immodesty"... In the form of a woman showing too much cleavage, or too much leg, or both. Interesting. Why do we automatically think of the opposite with a gorgeous word like "modesty"? I'm not sure, but maybe it's because of the reasons we need modesty.

How does a person behave when they are NOT modest? Are they too loud? Do they talk too much, too fast? What sorts of things do they say? Do they attack people with their words? Are they offensive? Do they curse? How do they dress? Do their clothes fit properly? Are they too loose or too tight? Too short? (I should say, Are they PURPOSELY too loose or too tight?). What about eating and drinking? Are they temperate and "adult" in these things, or do they eat too fast, talk with their mouth full and then leave a mess everywhere? How many of you are still thinking of women as I'm saying these things? Right? When I ask up there about teaching modesty to MEN... that's not a typo.

By default, we think of women, and the way that they dress when it comes to modesty...and that's fine. But does/can modesty apply to men as well? Now I think I'll go to the definition: 1. A freedom from conceit or vanity. 2. Propriety in dress, speech, or conduct. So, can these definitions apply to men as well? I think the answer is of course! So, my next question then becomes, why don't they? Let me put it another way: why don't we talk about the way these definitions apply to guys? Probably because of what I said above: We think of women in terms of the way that they are dressed when it comes to modesty. Now, I know I've opened the floodgates here, because this is a weird topic, but let's look at it like this: if modesty in a woman means being a lady, perhaps modesty in a man means being a gentleman. Yes? Wow! Men, are you "proper" in your dress and speech and conduct? Do you make an effort to be free from conceit and vanity? Mind you, I'm not asking if you are perfect in these things...because no one is. But for both women and men: what is the heart motivation in your dress, speech or conduct? Would this be fair?

A sad reality seems to be that most women know nothing about modesty themselves. It's simply not taught...it's not even on the radar screen...even though (as mentioned), we stereo-typically think of women when it comes to modesty). Of course, this is not always the case. But go to the mall on any given day, or turn on the TV. Most of the time, the women are wearing the too short dress with too much cleavage, leading the guy around by the hand, telling him he's gotta get it together, or making fun of him when he isn't in the room (or even worse, when he IS in the room!).

It seems that if he shows "modesty" and decides to be a gentleman, and doesn't stand up for himself, then he's generally perceived as weak and clumsy, (and after all, what else can you expect out of him, right?). If he does present his side, stand of for himself, and ask that she (and her friends) not treat him that way, then most of the women just make him the butt of jokes and, they shrug off what he says, and just tell him he's too sensitive. Either that, or they say he's an INSENSITIVE jerk who just needs to lighten up.

Either way, the underlying message seems to be that women are tough enough to handle anything all the time, and men are weak, stumbling idiots', who only mess everything up. I know, I've written about this before, but it seems to be an issue close to my heart. The image portrayed around me is that if a man is wrong...he's wrong; and that's to be expected. If a man is RIGHT...he's still wrong...and that's to be expected. (!!!). Do I feel this way? No, not at all. I feel brokenhearted because it seems we are teaching women to be men...and men to be women.

Ladies and Gentleman

I learned a valuable lesson yesterday about humility. Won't go into too specific details. I suppose everyone must do this at times...I'm not always sure why it can be so challenging for me...but since I've been learning so much about AS over the last couple years, the insight has been amazing and unbelievable.

But I don't want this to be about AS or any other neurological condition. That's why this post is not on my AS blog. Most of my life, I've been self conscious and paranoid because I knew I needed to "lighten up.". I've kicked myself because I was too sensitive. Why couldn't I just laugh at that joke? What made me cry so easily? Why couldn't I understand what my friend's just laughed at? Even worse, why did I seem to become so angry at the smallest dishonesty, piece of misinformation, misunderstanding, or untruth? Metaphor and innuendo, connotation, imply... I'm an English major, so I can certainly look these words up and define them, write papers on them and give examples. But it's actually much harder for me to understand how these things work in real life. Now, be it known that my friend's are amazing. No disrespect intended here...I'm only expressing a conviction.

One of my college instructors once defined being a lady or a gentleman as: Never willfully causing offense to someone else (or choosing to hold back, so as not to cause offense to someone else). Lord help me. As someone who is passionate and quick tempered; someone who easily over-reacts and says too much too quickly...I need a lot of mercy and patience from others. I've worked very hard at the apparent art of laughing things off, but the honest truth is, I'm really not good at it. There must be a term for knowing when a word or phrase slips into a slot like change into a vending machine... because I've done it all my life. I think this is how I've always "made up for" my biting sensitivity. This is an odd thing to say for someone so determined to be "honest" to a fault, but it's true. Am I making things up? Well, only when I know they are supposed to be (like fairy tales)...or...when I need to because the TRUTH is...that I have no idea what you mean. How many times have you ever had someone say to you that they are just messing with you, and you laughed it off?

Do you like to be messed with? Truth be told: I do not. So, do you now have the image of a "stuffed shirt" who never smiles in your head? I hope not... because that isn't who I am. I have a wonderful sense of humor, very giddy and actually pretty sweet. I'd like to think that I'm just very selective in what I find funny. An innuendo is when someone points something out without literally referring to it. Sarcasm is a kind of wit (or sense of humor) that has a cutting remark that is intended to wound. Okay, truth be told: I can dish it out...but I sure can't take it. Both of those things I defined...I can dish them out, but I can't take them from others. Not really. I think I've learned to be a master of innuendo and sarcasm, but I THINK I learned to do this by sticking all the right words in the right places. Translation: I'm good at making it LOOK like I really know what I'm talking about. Hmmm...interesting. Don't people do this everyday when they go to work? They stick all the right words in the right places so they look like they really know what they are talking about (and most of the time, they DO know what they're talking about)? Right?

So, what am I talking about? What's the difference between Looking like you know what you're talking about, say, in order to keep your job, and just withholding information or words so that someone else does NOT know what you're really doing or saying? Is this Jeopardy? Did I just give my answer in the form of a question? My point is, you know that embarrassing moment when someone realizes that they are painfully slower than the others in the group, and everybody has just "pulled one over" on them? Sometimes people need to be spared from that so that they aren't hurt. Have you ever been laughed at, or made fun of because of a question you asked? I think we all have, but I thought that the only dumb question is the one you don't ask. Yes, this is a "figure" of speech, but why don't we just say what we really mean? Maybe it's because we know that we WILL make fun of any question that we personally find to be ridiculous or stupid, or just too OBVIOUS. I think it's a certain pride, and a false sense of strength that maybe makes us think: "Well, at least I understand more than THAT!

Sometimes I like to think that I'm really smart because I can use all the right figures of speech. I think it takes a lot of practice to know whether to say something or whether to withhold it. I've decided I just want my yes to be yes and my no to be no. Lord only knows how many times I have hurt someone else because of sarcasm, innuendo, and empty words, scoffing at what I believe to be ridiculous because that makes me feel better about myself, getting angry and impatient because someone does not understand me just right, or asks the same question too many times...and yes...deciding that the answer is way too obvious and that the question is stupid...treating someone frivolously, but (of course) not telling them what I really think because I'm actually preying on their emotional weaknesses...which, of course, never makes the OTHER person weak! Right?

I'm a master of the cutting remark, and it kills gentleness and tenderness, and all the other fruits of the spirit, that God says honors him. I'm embarrassed, no longer over what I experienced, but all the unpleasantness that the experience brought out of me. Lord grant me enough courage to let go of grudges, and the need to be right. Help me to identify those things in my life which profuse wrong responses in me. Help me to be a lady. Thank you.

He's Working...

This morning as I was thinking about Christmas presents to make and groceries to buy, I heard yet another Christian Mingle commercial. There's a Christian radio station I listen to, and Christian Mingle is one of their sponsors. So their ads are broadcast about every half hour. So, thank you so much Christian Mingle for helping my favorite radio programs to stay on the air. I so appreciate that! :)

Now, I've used Christian Mingle myself, and my experience with them was one of integrity. They are honest about their rates and policies, and I LOVE the fact that they have a writer's forum! If writing is your thing and you want to try a dating site...I think Christian Mingle is worth it. I learned so much about myself, and about others there...

Okay, red light.

Believe it or not... This is not encouragement to JOIN a dating site. The most powerful thing I learned on Christian Mingle, was that a "dating site" is not the way that God wants to bring my husband into my life. Now, if you've used a dating site and it works for you and you know it's His will... Wonderful! God is good! :). But this entry is for all those who have a calling on their lives to stay away from the dating site "bandwagon". Now, unfortunately, dating sites have become such an accepted part of our pop culture, that there now is a "bandwagon" that singles are encouraged to jump on...even if it's a Christian bandwagon. Did you know that E-Harmony was one of the earliest (if not, the FIRST) online dating sites, founded by Christian psychologist Dr. Neil Clark Warren?

Now, as someone who (admittedly) put marriage on a pedestal and made an idol out of it, it has been quite difficult for me to "wait on the Lord" in this area! I know now that I've not been attracted to a man (well, okay, I've been temporarily attracted to several...even if they were only on TV). But I've actually been attracted to an ongoing adrenaline rush of anticipation. The anticipation of hearing the Wedding March. But, in honesty, the idea of a wedding gives me more anxiety than anything else. Too many details to plan... yikes! But, even so...from the age of 18, the idea of meeting this incredibly gorgeous guy, and kissing and hugging and holding and heavy petting, have "driven" me to want to get married.(ahhh, now we're getting down to it). It only stands to reason...guess what comes after the wedding day? The wedding night. (I've actually been dreaming of my wedding DAY since I was eight, but that's another story :). Wow. Even as I write this, I am embarrassed, because I realize that I've been dishonest with the God I say I serve...

The above paragraph has some bold statements, but I'm glad I started with them, because I don't want this writing to be another whining tangent about why it has not happened for me yet, or how unfair I think it is that the single life is glorified, while marriage is portrayed as some prison that people get stuck in. No. Honesty and responsibility... These are my goals here. Okay, another bold statement: I have not a had a boyfriend since the age of 18. It's been a long time. And, it has not been for lack of trying. As you can imagine, I HATE the "gift of singleness" talk, and anyone who wants to complain because they have not had a boyfriend in... 3 months...6 months...a year...two years, should just tell your story walking because let's just say, you'd never wanna trade places with me! :). Now, here's the thing, back when I was just 14 years old, I had boyfriend who was a complete jerk and made me feel bad about myself. At 15 I became a Christian, and was totally convicted that this guy needed to be done away with...he was not a godly person (duh, right?). At 16, I fell too hard, too fast, for an AMAZING Christian guy that I really did believe I would marry. We became too heavily involved and often found ourselves in compromising situations where we would "test" how close we could get to the line of fire without actually getting burned. We were alone too much, and were told to just watch ourselves and be careful.

So at 16, this became my idea of "waiting on the Lord" and staying pure. I reasoned that because we had never "crossed" the line of fire (if you will) then we had not done anything wrong. So, lust ruled us for the next two years, I graduated high school at 17, and the following year, shortly after he graduated, we very abruptly...broke up. Now, I realize very clearly that when we are instructed in scripture to not awaken love until it pleases, there's a reason for that! God does not want us doing what's "right" based only on a technicality! Maybe we had not crossed the line of fire, but we were definitely playing with it! We absolutely, had "awakened" love before the time was right, and that started a fire...that very abruptly went out. Now, a nice Christian girl going through all of this with a nice Christian guy never thinks that her brain is using lust like a drug so that her body can "get high" on it. She also never thinks that this can happen WITHOUT crossing the line of fire. She thinks that as long as she's NOT engaging in the one act forbidden to all unmarried Christians...she's fine...right?

Wrong.

Every young teen couple thinks that what they have is the most amazing thing on earth, and that they are completely devoted to each other. Adrenaline tends to put that mask on things. To reduce such a "sacred" thing down to a "drug" that a couple is getting high from could seem like a travesty. Here's the thing you guys: God knew that I could not recover from this sort of "withdrawal"... not for a LONG time anyway! It was at this time in my life that something began to happen to me that I could not explain: I walked around, LITERALLY feeling like half a person. Something had been torn away...broken in pieces...and I could not repair it, or replace it. It was like I had "scraped" my very soul, and now I could not stop the bleeding. What had happened? My high school boyfriend & I had broken up... that's all.

But that was NOT all! There was no divorce, because there had been no marriage, but something had definitely been joined...because now it was broken, and it was KILLING me! There was no death...I'd only broken up with my high school boyfriend right? So why did I feel like a widow who had lost her husband? Why was it literally like half of me was gone... and why was it supposed to be the best news of my life that I would "find somebody else"? Talk about a huge insult added to a severe injury! You mean I was supposed to be happy about going through all this AGAIN? All of this came from the "withdrawal" of being so attached to the "lust" that my inexperience told me was love. It seemed as though the bleeding, open wound, and all the baggage attached was left hanging in space, and I was the one with the gauze. THIS was the entering and exiting of relationships in order to find the right one, that everybody was so cavalier about?? Anyway, when I began to get my strength back, I did in fact, reason, that I would just "find somebody else.". Or that God would soon "bring" me someone else, to be more spiritual about it. I would not allow myself to understand just how NOT ready I was (in any case) for any such thing.

Hey, everybody else around me, Christian or not, seemed to just go on, and find somebody else, right? Why couldn't I? So, three things happened: I became intensely angry with my Father, because each time there was even a hint of another boyfriend on the horizon, God not only would close that door, he would SLAM it in my face! (I soooo THANK him now, for doing that!). Secondly, I truly felt the separation and the "sting" of being true to my savor, because I was NOT like most people around me... Christian or not! It REALLY get's tough when you realize that God won't allow you to "fit" even with the other Christians around you! Not looking like the world is one thing...not blending in with your Christian brothers and sisters where it's comfortable is something else entirely!! Thirdly, I noticed that my devotion poured out for a man who was no longer in my life would not allow me to even be free to be involved...with ANYONE. It was just too much! Not only was my cup empty...it was bone dry! I had nothing left to give! (What if the RIGHT man came along and now I had nothing left to give HIM?)

Time out. God is always on time. He is never late...but there's no need for him to ever be early either. His timing is perfect, so never is he rushed. Sometimes it takes the most time, I think, for him to clean up a mess we've made. I know now, that God has waited a LONG time on my behalf...so that I would truly be okay. I didn't realize it then, but I was trying to follow the World's pattern of doing things and and then getting angry with God because He wasn't allowing it to work! (Thank you Lord that it did not!!). I then began comparing myself with other Christians around me, and every time another brother or sister would get in a relationship, engaged, or married, I would then deepen my own personal grudge against God. I would say to him that he let it happen for them...so he could let it happen for me too. But he couldn't. Because I keep pouring salt in the very wounds he's wanting to heal. Really, it boils down to three words: I. Haven't. Submitted. I never have...not really.

The pain continued, and I began to be afraid that my dream of marriage would never be...so I would vigorously try to resurrect it...by seeking out another relationship, or arguing with God again, or even worse, trying to prove to God that I had all my ducks in a row, and surely NOW would be the time, right? I've heard that bargaining is part of the grief process, and truthfully, mine's gone on for years! Interesting. Isn't this the total opposite of the freedom Christians have in Christ? Don't we tell people that we have nothing to prove to Him? So what on earth was I trying to prove?? That I COULD handle it THIS time if he just let me try it again? As Chip Ingram says, that's like hitting your thumb with a hammer, feeling the pain, and then hitting it again, thinking the result will be different. (I'm so happy God never answered that prayer!!)

I found it interesting that no matter what else I seemed to occupy my time with, the pain inside never seemed to completely go away. It was like this terrible shadow cast on the "single" life that I was supposed to be enjoying so much. Is it really supposed to be THIS bad?? Is it supposed to go on for THIS long?? In my case...yes. God has had to keep undoing the damage from the salt that I keep pouring in my wounds by running ahead of him, chasing after the wrong thing, justifying it, running after it again...and so on. After a while, I really did just want to feel normal again, and I became truly afraid that this would never happen. Another year would go by, and then another, and I would vigorously try to understand, why I could not seem to just be happy with myself and just know God is enough, and that's enough. There truly was a pain inside that I couldn't identify...but trying to bury it, or rid myself of it quicker, only made it so much worse. The hurt seemed to drown everything else, including the joy of just enjoying myself.

So, God has loved me through this, and alowed me to ware myself out...and now I can say that my singleness truly is a gift from God and I'm very grateful for it! I've been so busy trying to change the season, that I never truly allowed God to show me the courage to embrace the season I'm already in. I learned how to say all the right things and look well put together on the outside... but was still crumbling on the inside. I find that stubbornness can teach us a lot about ourselves, because God won't move us until we give it up. In that time...or should I say, "Time out"... there are a lot of lessons he'll go over with us, until we surrender. I say all of this, because when I was on "Christian Mingle" it was only because I had "jumped on the bandwagon.". The commercials are everywhere... and let's face...it seems like everybody's at least trying it, right? No. Not everyone. That's not true. But I think it's interesting how the ads seem to really agree with a person's vulnerabilities. Sometimes, it does seem like you'll never find the one God intended for you. Don't force a solution. Whether it's with Christian Mingle or anything else. This might spike your adrenaline because of all the gorgeous guys, and even get you a relationship... but is it God's will for your life?

This is for anyone who is having to do things the HARD hard way...and it's a lot harder than they THOUGHT they KNEW it was. This is for anyone who's tempted about every half hour to jump on a "bandwagon" that God has told them to stay off of...no matter how many other Christians had found success that way. This is for anyone who's sincerely cried out to God, and thought they couldn't stand another minute of being alone, and then felt guilty as they tried to pick themselves up: "Isn't God enough?". I'm so happy to say...YES HE IS!! I know what it's like when the clichet's just don't work anymore, but the God of peace is so much more than a cliche' about his timing. I find that he HAS shown me that this really is not nearly as difficult as I've made it. I only needed to let go. Gee, no wonder it's taken so long! :). Let Him heal the wound.

Seeking and Finding...

DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT GOD IS ALL ABOUT?

Well, get a Bible (NIV & NAS work well).
Start with the book of JAMES, just as a suggestion;

And check out this list:

* All of these are online, and each one is labeled as to TV and radio.

BOTT RADIO NETWORK (Dick Bott)
(Bott Radio Network App). (ITunes) (Radio & online)

PASTOR CHUCK SMITH. CALVARY CHAPEL (online)

PASTOR GREG LAURRIE
HARVEST MINISTRIES
"A NEW BEGINNING" (radio) and (online)

PASTOR DAVID PLATT
"THE SECRET CHURCH"
lifeway.com. (online).

PASTOR CHUCK SWINDOLL
"INSIGHT FOR LIVING" (radio, TV) and (online)

PASTOR DAVID JEREMIAH
"TURNING POINT". (radio, TV) and (online)

DR. CHARLES STANLEY
"IN TOUCH MINISTRIES" (radio, TV) and (online)

PASTOR ADRIAN ROGERS
"LOVE WORTH FINDING" (radio, TV, and (online)

PASTOR JAMES MACDONALD
"WALK IN THE WORD". (radio) and (online)

DR. JOHN PIPER
"DESIRING GOD" (online)

DR. J VERNON McGEE
"THROUGH THE BIBLE RADIO" (radio) and (online)

PASTOR ALISTAIR BEGG
"TRUTH FOR LIFE MINISTRIES" (radio) and (online)

NANCY LEIGH DeMOSS
"REVIVE OUR HEARTS" (radio)and (online)

DR. JAMES DOBSON
"FAMILY TALK" (radio) and (online)

JOHN FULLER
"FOCUS ON THE FAMILY" (radio) and (online)

DR. MICHAEL YOUSSEF
"LEADING THE WAY" (radio, TV) and (online)

DR. RAVI ZACHARIAS
"JUST THINKING" (radio) and (online)

STEVE BROWN
"KEY LIFE MINISTRIES" (Radio) and (online)

HANK HANNAGRAFF
"THE CHRISTIAN RESEARCH INSTITUTE"
Host of "THE BIBLE ANSWER MAN" radio program (and online)

"DISCOVER THE WORD" radio program.

"WAY OF THE MASTER"
Kirk Cameron & Ray Comfort (radio, TV) and (online)

DR. TONY EVANS
"THE ALTERNATIVE" (radio) and (online)

PASTOR MARK BILTZ
"EL SHADDAI MINISTRIES" (online)

REBECCA PARK TOTILO
"REBECCA AT THE WELL" (online)

LUCI SWINDOLL and
"WOMEN OF FAITH MINISTRIES" (online)

JONI ERECKSON TADA
"JONI AND FRIENDS" (radio) and (online)

MICHAEL MEDVED
"THE MICHAEL MEDVED RADIO SHOW" (radio) and (online)

THE FRINGE RADIO NETWORK (online)(App)

RED ICE RADIO NETWORK (online) (App)


"You will seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all of your heart."

--Jer. 29:13

The Breath Held (can I let it out yet?)

Dear Lord;

For most of my life, I have dreamed of the man I would marry. The actual time I've spent wondering when he would come into my life has measured almost twenty years. In all honesty...it has been a long and lonely walk. It is confusing missing him terribly and having no clue who he is. It's sad, knowing about "actively waiting" and trying to do it every day, but still struggling with an ache that never goes away. It's confusing and frustrating when I see my friend's in relationships and feel jealousy and anger. I want to feel happy for them, but can't stop being angry with you because I feel as though you've abandoned me. This is followed by guilt. Why? Because how can I say that to the God who knitted me together in my mother's womb?

I know you intimately. I desire to have as many other people know you as possible. I constantly wonder what you have desired to teach me over all these years that I can't seem to understand. I have waited on you and trusted you, but you seem to want to show me that my trust in you is not as wonderful as I'd believed. You seem to watch while it's broken down piece by piece, and take the mess that I am and say "get up". I don't know what happened, but I must've missed this teaching in church. I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what the void means, and then more time attempting to "just let it go" because it obviously is not for me to figure out. It hurts, Lord...it just really hurts. But even worse, seems to be the bitterness it has created in me. I'm angry. I'm really angry. I can't even pray about it anymore without wanting to yell at you.

You seem to want to bring all of this out of me, so that I can "give" it to you. I pour my heart out to you...get up and try again... and soon I'm on my knees again with the same longing, the same ache...the same grief...the same feeling of abandonment. I'm told that I can't ALLOW myself to become bitter because this only puts distance between you and me. I know this process is designed to bring me closer to you, but that's exactly what makes me so mad. You seem to open a bottle filled with the desire to be married...pour it all inside me, and then make me go without. But this is not consistent with your character; isn't that right? How do I not live by my feelings when these feelings seem as though they will level me like the waves of the ocean? You seem to be making it as difficult as possible to have faith in you and draw near. I've asked you several times why this has gone on so LONG...believing that it had to be more than just a purifying process. Is this what I signed up for when I became a Christian? Yes...actually it is...but I did not know that at the time.

Help me Lord, I need more than just a series of cliche's here. I've held on for you for so long, saving myself, for my one and only. I keep watching most of my friends get what I've been praying for all along... and posting it everywhere. I know, Lord, I can't only think of myself, but it really hurts. Many times I've been given the analogy that the Lord is my husband. Okay. Fine. So how do you explain the fact that I want a human one so badly? You're confusing me. You've promised to supply all of my needs according to Christ's riches in glory. So why do I need a husband so badly? What happened? Do you know how hard it is to even say that? How can I say that I NEED a husband? It's just not right, is it? We're not supposed to NEED a mate, we're supposed to be complete and whole in Chrisr, right? Well, if I am, then WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I'm told that I'm supposed to get to a point of not needing a man and having it not bother me. The truth is, I have NEVER been to this place...I don't know what it looks like. I need my husband in my life in order to be the person I'm supposed to be because YOU gave me the desire to be married, not because I'm this desperate, out of control, obsessed person.

Although, sometimes I think I'm getting there fast. Obsessed and out of control. I did not start out this way. I trusted you and believed you... had total confidence that you would bring this to pass, and that you heard my prayer. No more. Now, I'm usually thinking you're mad at me, or that I've dome something wrong. I try to turn this around in my mind and remember that this is not consistent with your character. I know that I am not being punished for anything...I just thought the relief would have come by now. I then try to turn this around in my mind, and realize that maybe this incredibly long season of singleness is the relief. Maybe the hardships of marriage would just tear me apart. I've asked repeatedly Lord that you then remove the the desire to be married because it's making me nuts! You don't. I am left feeling like I'm in limbo and can't get out. I don't have the ware withal to get married...or to stay single. What do I do?

I've heard it all: That singleness is only a season in my life; that there are many lonely married people; that I don't want to be married to the wrong guy because it's miserable; that I need to be actively waiting for you to answer my prayer. I agree with all these things Lord, but none of them help. I'm still NOT alone, because you're with me, but I feel alone because my husband isn't with me, but you're supposed to be enough...so then I feel guilty. I'm not saying that I'm alone and I'm not saying that I as an individual am incomplete. But that's why I keep asking you Lord, why is this happening me? If you do have that special someone out there for me, Lord where are they? Why can't they find me? Why can't you show him where I am? Why is it that when I try to show him where I am, it's always to no avail? Why can't I find enough things to do to keep me busy in my life? Lord, you know it doesn't matter how many people I chat with, how many college classes I take, how much volunteer work I do, how many movies I watch, how much music I listen to...how many times I go to church, how many blog entries I write... I will always have within me that longing and that desire for hum that sometimes just makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry.

When I do get married, I will have many new desires, and longings and problems that I don't have now. Even so Lord, I can't stop dreaming of the day! What am I supposed to do when nothing seems to soothe it? How can I help that?? There is no person on earth who can help me with this, Not even my husband, Lord, only you. It's a weight too big for anyone to carry... But together...with God...we can! As much as I've wrestled with singleness...Lord, nothing else will do. I need to know my marriage partner. I know you're up to something good...I just wish the wait wasn't (at times) such a kick in the teeth. I've tried to talk my way through all of this...seeing no end in sight. So, help me Lord, to keep waiting on you. What else is there? I've been pro-active...there can be no E-Harmony pep talk here, or Christain Mingle. I've tried them both...yes...and am today...still single. I tried a singles group too. Didn't work. When I try stepping back, I never know for how long...I always end up "looking" again... though I'm told, that's not my job. What's wrong with me then? If he's closer than I thunk...I've been told that too. Been believing it for years!

All of this Lord, seems to destroy my trust in you...to be quite honest. What do I do? I can't make him appear out of thin air...I need you! Isn't that what you wanted alll along? Lord, it isn't me! You've created the vacuum "void" that's driving me to my knees...so what about the cure? That has to come from you. I cannot do thus alone-- I've tried, and worn myself out. How much longer must I stay still?? This is not a case of six months...and I haven't had a date. Twenty years is a long time...even if a thousand years is a day. Right? I have waited only for the life partner you have for me. I now feel like that fool that all women want their men to be for them. Lord, what happened there?? Do I have the masculine and feminine mixed up? I've asked again & again...and then tried to behave my way through, I don't know! Nothing's worked...I'm undone. I'd give it up, but you won't let me! You remind me of what I set down, and want me to pick it up again! Lord help me...what do I do? Is this the way you want me to share in your sufferings so I'll know a little bit about what you went through? Because if so...I could use a sign. If you don't mind Lord...just so I know. The hope of meeting him comes alive again only to be crushed to pieces. You want me to hope only in you. Lord, it was never my intention not to. So please tell me Lord... What do I do?

To Sharlene (Mrs. Tim Bosma)

Dear Sharlene Bosma;

Last night I sat on my sofa with tears streaming down my face as I watched your husband's memorial. I'd first read his story on Facebook, and then began checking each day for new details in the search, praying that Tim would be brought home safe. I, like many others was heartbroken when the news not only was not good...it was horrifically tragic...

I want to tell you and your family thank you for your marvelous strength, grace and hope.

The first thing that struck me about Tim's service, was when the pastor invited all to offer their grief to the Lord. I want you to know now that many in the world are grieving right along with you. Though we never knew your husband Mr. Bosma, we have come to feel that we know him, and have struggled to understand why he was taken so early. I think that, united in our grief, we were given the opportunity to give over to God (if only for a moment). In that moment, I felt somehow closer to man I'd wanted to help save, and closer to a family in pain.

But there was something else that happened. As I listened to the loving stories of those who knew him best, the joy that radiated from them began to fill me as well. I heard the stories of the trees planted, the Crab Apple Tree in full bloom, the bonfire, the fireworks that parted and revealed the moon. The teasing and screaming at family barbecues, and Tim saying: "Your kids are too loud.". I wished I knew Tim, and suddenly, somehow...I did! And he is very much... still around. I could feel it all over that banquet hall. It filtered through You Tube and to my little screen. My dear Sharlene, I know you will miss your husband always. For this reason, my heart aches. But please know there was certainly a strength beyond belief in that room that day! If filled me up, and flowed all through.

Suddenly, my eyes were on the prize to come...and I know I'm not the only one who was suddenly overflowing with love and peace! For Tim. For where he is now, and the fact that one day, we will be there too, with our own loved one's and friends. And you will too. I think your husband has given me a glimpse of that...and many others too. Suddenly, I all seemed connected... this life that makes weary, and the next one that wipes all our tears away...we are going there!! Suddenly, my daily groaning seemed very unimportant, as I was filled with hope unspeakable!

Sharlene, I wish I could give you a hug. I'm so sorry Tim is gone. Never will I understand the void that is left. But I wanted to tell you that Tim is with us still. I pray somehow you'll know, Tim's still here...changing more lives than we'll ever know. Your daughter will know that her daddy is a hero because his heart lives on. Someday, she will see her sweet daddy, whose smile lights up his whole face. I cannot explain to you the joy and reassurance I had listening to all of you give sweet testimonies of what an amazing man Tim was. I feel as though I got to know him (just a little)) and miss him along with you.

I have no doubt that Tim will go on, showing many others how awesome the love of Christ really is. I don't know what sort of Crab Apple Tree was planted in his honor...but I think there should be a special tree named after Tim (his favorite) so we all remember him. The Lord is, of course, close to the broken hearted, and He is with you, Sharlene and family. Last night, getting to know Tim just a little, gave me a lot of joy. My deepest condolences to you, your little girl and your family. From now on, when I see apple blossoms (no matter what kind) they will be "Tim Blossoms". His smile is infectious...and so is his love! Thank you for the wonderful courage in sharing your stories. Your grace is such an inspiration to me! I'm sure Tim is very proud!

Love to you. ((((HUGS))))

Really... For Real.

It seems par for the course that when someone dies, people just naturally say "Rest in peace." Now this is supposed to just be a polite way of giving condolences. Okay. I can understand that. This life makes us tired, and when we die, we are released from that trouble into a place of rest, right?

I got to thinking...personally, I don't want this phrase to have anything to do with my death. I mean, seriously... when we hear this phrase, we think of rest like "sleep"... right? I even saw a grave stone once that was a bed...carved up off the ground...a grey bed, with folds of a blanket and a little stone pillow at one end. Forever is a long time, right? I don't know about you, but the thought of spending it all asleep in the dark does no appeal to me! Besides...THIS is what Heaven is like?? THIS IS WHAT I've waited for all my life?? I am not afraid to say... "I don't think so!"

No, this is not what Heaven is like. I want to share with you how I came to know this, and what we can expect that Heaven will be like, in a way that's pretty simple to understand. I'm not telling anyone what or how to believe because that's up to you, but I will go to the Bible for my answers so that you won't have to take my word for it, and you will know that I am not guessing, or speculating. If you don't believe what the Bible says that's fine... But I do because personally...I'm not passing up PARADISE (!!!).

2 Corinthians chapter 5 (New Living Translation):

(NLT is paraphrased)

Verses 1 to 14

"For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (our body), when we die and leave these bodies-- we will have a home in Heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2 We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long for the day when we will put on our Heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3 For we will not be spirits without bodies, but we will put on new Heavenly bodies. 4 Our dying (physical) bodies make us groan and sigh, but it's not that we want to die and have no bodies at all. We want to slip into our new bodies so that those dying bodies will be swallowed up by eternal life. God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee has given us the Holy Spirit. 6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not a home (Heaven) with the Lord. 7 That is why we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these bodies, (our physical bodies) for then we will be at home with the Lord. 9 For our aim (Christians) is to please the Lord, whether we are here in this body, or away from this body. 10 For we must all stand before Christ one day to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in our (physical) bodies. 11 Because we understand our fearful responsibility to the Lord, we work hard to Persuade others. (about knowing Christ). God knows we are sincere, and I hope you know this too. 12 Are we commending ourselves to you again? No, we are giving you a reason to be proud of us, so you can answer those who brag about having a spectacular ministry rather than a sincere heart. 13 If it seems we are crazy, it is to bring glory to God, and if we are in our right minds, it is for your benefit. 14 Either way, Christ's love controls us."



Okay. First of all, our present human bodies ware out, don't they? They also ware us out, right? But our spirits go on forever (whether we're Christians or not). Anyway, if you've ever had a Christian witness to you, & try to tell you about eternal life... this is why we do it. Because there is an eternal destination waiting for us after our bodies die. The Bible states that what we believe in this present life, will determine where we go. The Christian knows that they have eternal life with Jesus Christ, and our goal then becomes to tell as many people about eternity in paradise as we can. So, if we (if I) sound like we're crazy (verse 13), we are only desiring to bring glory to the living God that we serve, and to share with others, the knowledge of the paradise that we know awaits us.

One verse that really jumps out at me in this passage, is verse 3. "For we will not be spirits without bodies". When we get to Heaven, we truly will have brand new, PERFECT bodies! These bodies will never get tired, or ware out, and we really will "put them on like new clothing.". In all honesty, this is why I believe in Jesus Christ, and having a Heavenly home that awaits me! I LOVE the promise of living in paradise with a perfect body, don't you? I know these reasons for desiring Heaven may seem purely selfish. I just love rejoicing in the fact that all the toil and trouble of this life will result in something that is forever wonderful and perfect...and beyond my wildest dreams!

The Bible describes Heaven as a paradise. During the crucifixion, Jesus says to the the thief on the cross that (today) he shall be with him in paradise. This was because this man had professed Jesus was Lord. (Luke 23:42-43). In scripture, Jesus tells his disciples that he is going to prepare a place for us...
(John 14:3). This speaks of the heavenly place Christ is preparing for each of his believers in Heaven. While we can't know ahead of time what this place looks like, we can spend our time here on earth getting to know Jesus Christ, and his plan for us. Throughout the book of Revelation, there are amazing descriptions of a vision given to John...a vision of things to come. So, we don't know whether what John mentions (The sea of glass and fire, the streets of gold, the layers of stones that the walls are made of) are what Heaven is like presently, or, if this is what Heaven will look like one day. Because the heading for Revelation chapter 21 in my Bible reads: " A New Heaven and a New Earth," I am inclined to think that Heaven will look like this one day (When Jesus is finished preparing the places for us?). The place of Heaven is mysterious, and the Bible really does not give specific descriptions of what it presently looks like.

So, if someone were to ask me, "Why did you get saved?". I would say it's because, when Heaven, or earth DOES look like John's description...I want a front row seat! No sleeping, no, closed eyes, no black...I want to watch the transformation, and even if I can't watch it happen, I know for sure I'll have a dwelling place, a home, in the new earth when Jesus makes it new, and we are no longer under a curse. Why did I say Heaven or earth just now? Because I'm unsure whether the descriptions John is giving are of the new Heaven or the new earth. But regardless...I want to see them! I can't wait until God wipes away all the tears from our eyes, and there is no more death. (Revelation 21:4). According to scripture, there will come a time when there actually is. NO MORE DEATH! I don't know about you, but this makes me very excited!

For the Christian, after death, we are absent from the body and present with the Lord. We are with our creator who planed our lives before the foundation of the world. (Psalm 139). I think it's incredible to note that no matter what our birthdate is, we were planned before the foundation of the world to know Christ, and to tell others of the gift of eternity with him. Now of course, we cannot tell others about the hope of Christ, when we do not know him for ourselves. This is what the Christian means when they speak about being "saved". This means they have accepted that the death of Jesus Christ on the cross paid for their sins. We are all born with that sinful nature because we all stem from Adam and Eve. Sin made it's way through the human race sorta like a "biological copy machine," for lack of another way of putting it. But the wonderful news that Christians speak of is that the "stain" of sin has been "blotted out" by the death of Christ... If we will accept the payment.

There will always be those who choose not to accept this gift of payment for sins, and the Bible says that for them, the end result is much different. I will probably write about this different outcome in a separate entry, just to be as thorough as possible. But for those interested in knowing Jesus personally, and experiencing eternity with Christ in a new, perfect body, the first step is to ask Him into your heart. You can do this with someone you trust or by yourself.

Go somewhere that is quiet, where you can be alone (I recommend going to your room and shutting the door.). If need be, put a sign outside so no one disturbs you.
Find a position you feel comfortable. Sit on your bed, or in a chair. If you like you can stand against the wall, or get on your knees.
Bow your head, say:

"Lord, Jesus...
I agree with you that I have sinned, and fall short of your perfection.
I agree that my sin has seperated me from you.
I believe that your death on the cross paid for my sin, making me acceptable in your sight.
I accept you as my Lord and savior, and accept that payment made on my behalf.
I receive your Holy Spirit, as a deposit guarantee that I belong to you forever.
I ask that you change my heart. Thank you Lord! Amen!

I encourage you, do not worry about saying this perfectly...just say it sincerely. God knows your heart, and he knows your intentions. Getting to know Jesus, and allowing him to know us is a process. It's day by day. Please know that Jesus does not judge you or condemn you, because you have now been "sealed" with his Holy Spirit for the day of redemption.

So, what happens now?

The Holy Spirit will reveal himself to you day by day.
The way we know that we are saved is when our affections (our heart) have changed from what they were, as will show itself in the choices we make.

What should I do now?

Get a Bible. My first Bible was a New Living Translation Student Bible (I was 15), but even if you are not a student, the NLT, and the charts & illustrations usually in them make scripture easy to "digest.". Another helpful translation is the New International Version(NIV) Paralell Bible. This Bible has the NIV translation on one side of the page and the Living Bible translation (paraphrased) on the other. In my opinion, the (NIV) and the Living Bible are the most ideal translations for brand new Christians. My favorite translation is the New American Standard Bible... it just does not happen to be the one I started out with.
I would begin with the book of James in the new testament. This book is actually a letter to a church, and is full of practical advice. It's also short, and simple... a great way to start out.

Bible-Believing Church. Find a Bible based, Bible believing church. You want a church whose members rest in the knowledge that they ARE saved, rather than a church that operates out of fear that they might not be saved, or that they WILL BE saved, if they just perform enough good works. Remember, salvation is a gift from God; it is not something we can earn according to how well behaved we are.

Why go to church? So that you will have an accountability group, and you will be strengthened and encouraged by like-minded people. This helps you stay as close to Christ as you can.

Some things to keep in mind:

You will still sin. The difference is that NOW your sins have been forgiven, whereas before, they were not. This makes you acceptable before God because you have acknowledged that you have been "bought" with the price of his blood shed on the cross.

Jesus is your Advocate. "If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask him, and he will gladly tell you." God's wisdom and instruction for your life is ALWAYS accessible to you...so ask for it any time you need it.

You DO have an enemy. That enemy is Satan, the Devil, he is now jealous of you because he can't have you. You belong to Jesus...now and FOREVER!! :). There is no "breaking" the Holy Spirit's seal...but this enemy IS a liar, and a bully. He will pick on you. He will do anything to get you to doubt and worry, so that you do not have peace. At some point, he will probably lie to you and tell you that you are not REALLY saved. Know that now you have authority given by God to tell him to leave, in the name of Jesus!

You will suffer. I think we would all agree that everyone suffers in life. No one escapes this reality. But the difference is that as a Christian, when you suffer for Christ's purposes, He remembers that, and he promises that he will reward you for your pain. This is the difference between suffering for Christ, and just...suffering...period. I don't know about you, but I want a reward for all my earthly trouble! :)
(not that we earned it...but Christ in his mercy gives it).

You will be tested. Jesus Christ desires that you grow in Him, and he will test you, so you can see your growth. But be assured that he will never walk you through anything without first equipping you for the challenge ; and he will make sure, you are never tempted beyond what you can bear.
(See scripture references below).

Your feelings will get in your way sometimes. Expect this...it's part of being human. You won't always want to obey God...get ready for it. But God will always help you to do what he says. He is always faithful, always loving and always forgiving. He loves you with an everlasting love.

The Holy Spirit will reveal God's word to you. If you would not read the Bible before because you could not understand it, there's a reason for that. God's spirit is what makes our heart's open to God's Living word. This does not mean that the Bible is secret...but the gaining of Biblical wisdom is through answering his call of salvation. To put it another way: God is like any teacher, he wants serious students.


Lastly, congratulations to you, my friend! You are now part of God's family, and he has a wonderful plan for yor life. "Taste and see that the Lord is good." (Psalm 34:8).

Blessings to you!

Scriptures:

Heaven; John's vision. Revelation CH 4; Revelation 21: 1-7
Eternal Life. John 3:16-17 Hebrews 6:19
Asking God for Wisdom. James 1:5-6
No More Death. Revelation 21:4
Absent From the Body. 2nd Corinthians 5:8
Call on His Name. Romans 10:13
Spirit reveals scripture. 1st. Corinthians 2:10-11
Still sinners. Romans 5:8
Sharing in His Sufferings. 1st Peter 4:13; Philippians 3:10; Romans 8:17
The Enemy. 1st Peter 5:8
Christians Tested. 2nd Timothy 3:12; John 15:20
Don't live by Feelings. 2nd Corinthians 5:7-8

Turn his Heart...Not His Head

According to author Shaunti Feldham a man can't not notice an attractive woman. Her existence on planet earth will be noted when he sees her. So, we make ourselves attractive, and he notices it... makes sense right? In the world of dating, this seems to be rule number one for women. "make myself attractive so he will notice me.". As a result, we can put a lot of conscious effort into making our appearance just right, according to what we hope will attract a man.

I believe it was actor Jimmy Stewart who once said that a woman does not have to do anything to attract a man... all she has to do is BE. Is it possible for us girls to get the "doing" and the "being" mixed up? Is it possible that it's more difficult for guys than we realize? A man is no stranger to rules and strategies. This is how his brain is wired to solve problems and figure things out. So, when we women are doing certain things to get his attention... he usually can see it a mile away, and he will put up a barrier to protect both himself... and that woman, if he has her best interest in mind. To put it another way, if we chase a guy, he's gonna run, right? Or would he? I've heard many times that guys enjoy being pursued. But according to Dr. James Dobson, a woman who "pursues" a man loses his respect because he has not been able to decide for himself whether or not he's found a good thing and "claim" her. I'll be honest and say that I'm quoting others because I'm not sure I understand all this myself (who does?, right?). It's such a lot to keep straight and such a difficult balance, right?

How do we develop methods for something that's supposed to be spontaneous and magical? If falling in love is so spontaneous and magical, why do we need all these strategies for making it happen? And what happens to us girls when our "efforts" to turn his head, only distract him, and give us a false hope? It seems to me that guys are used to having girls turn their heads... it's a battle that they face everyday. Imagine someone holding a huge sign up in front of you which said:

DON'T READ THIS.

You read it, didn't you? Wait... didn't you know you weren't supposed to? Yeah... but only after you saw it, right? Too late. So it is when it comes to guys being attracted to us girls! Read the book "For Women Only," by Shaunti Feldham it's all in there. Anyway, guys actually have a chemical in their brains that sort of "imprints" women's images in their minds. Ladies, this is something he is born with, and he cannot help it. This means, that a man can be going about his day, just minding his own business, and an image of some woman from ten years ago can pop into his mind (or from ten minutes ago, he doesn't know). At this point, the man has to decide whether he'll indulge that image or "tear it down" and replace it with something else. This happens continually, and for most men, is completely exhausting.

Now, if a man's heart is right, he only wants to be faithful to his girlfriend or his wife. and he will desire to tear that image of that "other girl" down and replace it with the right one. (I would hope). But the thing is, if we women learn this about guys (and even if we don't) it can be too easy for us to think that all guys are just insensitive pigs who won't learn to control themselves. I think deep down, we know this is not true, but we seem to be rewarded for believing that it IS true, right? I mean turn on the TV (pick a time, it doesn't matter). What image is projected? Men are just insensitive, unromantic "clods" who don't care about a girl's feelings, and women are shown usually in two ways: they're either manipulating a man, or teasing him, because they are now used to the insulting belief that he will never do anything right, or they are strategically, seductively, attempting to attract him with just the right, short dress, so that they can have a man in the first place. (This whole thing seems rather counter-productive to me, but anyway). With our minds sort of "hazed" by what we see on TV and on billboards, how do we handle all of this in the real world?

I don't know, that's the thing. All of the above makes the whole dating process quite difficult for me...and confusing; and I believe this process is just as confusing, if not more so for guys. Add Autism into the mix, and you can have something else all together. How does a guy get to know a girl without creeping her out? How can she know that a guy's intentions are good if she is afraid of him pursuing her? This is a big one for me. The truth is, I'm scared to death of a guy pursuing me because I'm always wondering whether he has other motives I know nothing about. I feel much more at ease when a guy "backs up" and let's me decide for myself whether I'm comfortable with him or not. But how do I know he even feels the same way about me? Both guys and girls can send the wrong messages to each other and not even realize it. I get embarrassed when I think of times I spent way too long thinking a guy, was into me... but he was not at all. I mistook what I thought was "nice" for warm, fuzzy feelings, that said "I like you.". Nope. Besides, guys, if you like us, you're not necessarily going to hold up a "sign," right?

I really do believe that it has so much more to do with how the girl feels about herself, rather than trying to make him feel a certain way about her. Is it true that a guy would much rather be drawn to the right girl than manipulated? I can say this: this is the kind of guy I would want. Someone who is attracted to me and wants to work to get me because of the way I ALREADY AM... not the way, I'm TRYING to be, because I think it will impress him. The thing is, it's been so hard for me to "practice" this in my own life because I get stuck thinking that a guy will never want me unless I'm all the right things. Believe me... I have worn myself out trying to "become" what I think a guy wants (and then he does not want me anyway). I do not recommend this. I think that this is the very process that can get most women believing that all guys are pigs in the first place. It's like an internal resentment based on times that we've given of ourselves...and some guy "ran" with what we gave them, but without any intention of giving it back. This sort of "resigning" to the belief that women can expect nothing more out of men (I think) is what can make a woman controlling... and a guy passive.

What if she's angry because she's been hurt before, so she's trying to "control" how he reacts, and he is sorta just along for the ride because of the attention? If she's the right kinda girl...this is not what she wants. If he's the right kinda guy... this is not what he wants either. But many times, I think, this can be what we settle for. I think those with Autism in particular can carry with them a terrible fear of being alone, simply because relationships, or the possibility of a romantic relationship can elude them for so long. The irony, though, is that the process of dating can actually make things more difficult, rather than simplifying them. One reason for this could be that Autistics don't want to bother with anything that feels fake or "set up.". A date, is supposed to be an interaction designed to spark some "attraction" right? (Yes, I meant to rhyme there). But perhaps the fact that this is a "date" to begin with, can sorta ruin all the magic. (???). Now, this not is not always what happens, but it's so easy for us to ware ourselves out, trying to figure it out.

Now, the last point I'll make, is about our appearance as women. I take the bus many places, and I cannot count the times I've watched a female step on to the bus, and I've seen right up her skirt and right down her shirt. She goes down the isle, and I see her low rise pants drop just enough on her hips to reveal that she's wearing thong underwear, or has a strategically placed tattoo. I've seen many groups of girls all stepping on the bus together, and all "bearing" (literally) some sort of tribute to "seduction.". In all honesty, the first thing I do, is pray for the bus driver (if he's a guy). Are these all potential "images" that he (and) every other guy on the bus) will need to "block out" at some point? Possibly... Probably. But I also feel sad that most women don't seem to think it a good idea to up their standards and their value...by covering themselves up. What was that Muhammad Ali told his daughters about Making the most private parts of themselves not easy to get to?

I really think men will value us as much as we require it. They will also treat us as well as we require them to. Secretly, they want a woman who will love herself enough to "up her anti," by not needing them. This, to me, is the ultimate irony about dating... are we not setting up a situation where two people are hoping to fall in love? Now, sometimes it works... they DO fall in love. But I think that possibly this is the reason(s) that dating has not been successful for me personally. I know I want something extraordinary and I'm not interested in giving pieces of myself away to the wrong people in order to "find" the right one (no disrespect intended). Maybe I can turn a man's head with just the right short dress, but I hope that will come after I've turned his heart towards me, simply by being who I already am.

Protecting What is out of Sight

How would someone say grace with a feeding tube in? I would never have pondered this question had it not been for a story told by Joni Ereckson Tada.

She was a guest on Focus on the Family, and told the story of a woman with a specific form of ALS (Lou Gerregg's Disease). This woman's family asked Joni if she could give her a call and offer her some encouragement. With the phone held to her ear by a family member, she told Joni her story. She said that everyday, her breathing was getting less and and less. Doctors said that soon she would have to give them permission to put her on a breathing machine. This was her only option.

"What can I do?," she asked. I don't want to do anything dishonoring to God. I can't do anything, she said. I can't even get up."

When Joni realized what she meant, she began to ask her a little more about her daily routine. The women said she needed to be intravenously fed through a tube put in by her mother. (Some sort of liquid like Ensure).
"Next time she gives you your meal, you can tell her 'Thanks mom, that was good.'". Joni also suggested they say grace before the meal to thank God.

"How would you say grace with a feeding tube?" (I believe Joni was asked the question.). And so, this woman who was feeling that her quality of life, might not be quality enough, had a new perspective.

The counsel given to this lady facing losing the very breath in her body, was that no matter what the situation, God values our lives all the way to the very last second, and he is continually using each life to do extraordinary things, whether we can see them or not. Joni, gave the example of a baby in the womb. For nine months, the infant is in secluded darkness, being formed and shaped. God takes that little life and makes it what he wants it to be, without us knowing all the wonders of his handi-work. Then Joni said something I'll never forget. She said "One day is as a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years are as a day" (. ). In the Hebrew culture, this scripture is interpreted literally. Joni said we often dwell on the first part of it, but forget the second part: "...and a thousand years are as a day."

Each 24 hour increase God gives us, is an opportunity for a thousand years of blessings! (Remember, eternity is a long time). Now, this does not mean, let's all see how well we can behave ourselves (although, that's not a bad idea in principle. It means when we surrender ourselves to God, he is always looking for ways to use us, however, small or seemingly insignificant. Sometimes his most perfect work is done in the things we don't see. Since everyday is a thousand years worth of opportunities.

No, I've never had to think about how I might say grace with a feeding tube; but I know that when I must abandon my list of accomplishments for the day, the week, the month, or even the year because my circumstances or my physical condition won't allow them, I can take heart and know that God is looking at things differently. I have opportunities everywhere to store up rewards in Heaven, wherever I am, whatever is going on.

Numbers

I just saw a video on You Tube of Steven Spielberg talking about making "Schindler's List.". He said that his grandmother taught English to Hungarian Holocaust survivors. At the age of 3, Spielberg learned his numbers by reading the numbers stamped on the arms of his grandmother's students. I had to really take this in for a moment. Since when is it right to treat human beings as though they are like merchandise or inventory that must be kept track of?

But this is exactly what happened to millions of Jewish folks, simply because they WERE Jewish. They were "marked" as being different or set apart, for reasons most unthinkable. This got me wondering whether all those numbers were recorded in a book someplace? Why? Were the powers that be saying "We must remember that you are to be destroyed?" But many were to survive and thrive, though they had been marked and sealed (so it was thought) for death. Those who survived, went somewhere to begin a new life. I'd imagine many of them sat in classrooms wanting to learn English. You know... what a stark contrast to a very different book. In Scripture, the Lamb's Book of Life records the names of all those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord & Savior. These individuals are forever "sealed" by his Holy Spirit, making them qualified to spend eternity with Him in paradise.

When he walked this earth, Jesus the Christ, or Yeshua, was a simple carpenter of Nazareth, born in Bethlehem. He descended from the family line of David and his genealogy records the names of four women. (Ruth, Esther, Tamar and Mary, his mother.). This is unusual because as a rule, Jewish genealogies did not include women. To me, this is hard evidence that God is a God of inclusion and acknowledgement, and life. Without these ladies, the Messiah of the world (to those who will acknowledge it) would not have come into existence. God thought this was important so he noted it. Anyway, Jesus is not willing that any should parish. Because he is all knowing and all seeing, He knew each name that had been ignored and replaced by a number in someone's book of death. The evil deeds of men would not win out, evidenced by those who made it through, and lived to tell about it, some of them, apparently teaching a little boy his numbers along the way.

Jesus's payment for our sins made it possible for all of our names to be recorded in the Book of Life (the Lamb, being Jesus himself).

I understand that for many, it is too difficult to believe that a young carpenter from Nazareth rose on the third day, and ascended to Heaven, his lenin wrappings neatly folded up. I wonder how many folks, following those monumental events, heard about them from afar, and sorta said, "Yeah, well, that's what they SAY... but I don't believe it. There are many today, who still claim that the entire Holocaust never took place. This must be both offensive and heartbreaking to anyone directly affected by it. They know it happened because they lived it (whether directly or through generations of their family). Their lives, their hearts...generations of their families changed forever. For them, this is more than adequate proof! For many, that proof, is also in the numbers stamped on their arms. How terrible that anyone has to deal with the insult of unbelief added to the appalling injury of the actual, unspeakable events.

Thomas was able to put his hand in the very place, where Jesus was pierced, and still he doubted the dreadful events of that dark night. But even today, anyone who knows that their sins have truly been forgiven will tell you: "It happened.". Anyone with a number stamped on their arm, knows that the events of the Holocaust are quite real. This "mark" will be with them for the rest of their lives... proof that their name was written down somewhere in someone's book, and that the end result was not intended to be a good one. However, the evil that was afoot did not completely have it's way, and many more women were able to have many more children... and the "fruits" of God's chosen people, continue on. (Amen!!!). As a student, I sat through history classes, never denying the Holocaust, because I saw the evidence...in a distant, that-will-never-happen-to-me, sorta way. But never have I lived it. Never have I lost anyone I love because of it. Never have I known what it's like to be ashamed of my heritage (as Steven Spielberg says he was as a child) because I was born into something that people, for whatever reason did not like. This is something I can only empathize with through the accounts of others.

But on a small level, I do understand what it means to be rejected because of my belief and acceptance of a Jewish carpenter named Jesus, who claimed to be the savior of the world. To many, in Jesus day, this was outright heresy. I've lost relationships and friendships. I've been, teased, mocked, ridiculed and even spat on because of my insistence that the events of Jesus's life are not made up. His Book, the Bible (a book of both life and death) is not made up. The Holocaust, and all of it's horrors, are not made up, but for anyone quite determined not to believe it, I don't know that even seeing an actual concentration camp would change their mind; just as traveling to Israel and walking where Jesus did might not convince someone that he is savior of the world. But for any Believer, whether they have read the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000, or they have known someone with numbers tattooed on their arm, though the experiences be quite different, the numbers don't lie.

(1st Chronicles 16:13).
(John 3:16-17).

To all those innocent lives lost, and all of those who mourn them... we will never forget.

Realistic

I've dreamed of doing what was done in "The Good Ol' Summertime"... and falling in love through letters (or email). "You've Got Mail" is a remake of that movie... you knew that, right? Anyway...I am nothing if not romantic. But I think I have a very good sense of self, so I'm not completely naive, with no sense of what's going on around me. I make my own sense out of things... to me, this is much more sincere then when I try to copy the majority. This is why, the whole dating thing has never appealed to me: Just a bunch of nerves in a bundle...not sure of where he's taking me, or how I should dress, or what I should say... Do I let him come in afterwards or not?

Besides, a long time ago, I was in a relationship where we were head over heels for each other and we were together all the time, and we were alone... too much. We were always way too close to compromising each other... and thank you Lord that this never happened, because we did not make it. He would have taken my essence with him forever...something that I have reserved for only one man. Why would I date? It's like lighting a match, and inching your way closer and closer to the flame while praying like made that you don't get burned. Anyway, so many things to remember, things at which I am not socially adept. How far is too far? Should I have said that? Does he wanna kiss me? Do I wanna kiss him?(??). This place is too loud, I need to get outta here. Will I offend him? What if I start getting a migraine? Good grief! I'm exhausted already!

I really, really do want to be in a relationship with the right guy. I've heard all sorts of songs about looking into someone's soul... and I'm all for it. I hate small talk because it,s... small. It's annoying. I know that sometimes it's the only thing that starts two people "talking"... but I don't lack interesting conversation. What I want is not temporary. I'm looking for someone who desires marriage like I do. But obviously, I need to get to know this person first, without too much physical desire ruining it..,so, let's write to each other! You tell me what you're like... And I'll do the same. Pictures? Absolutely! Blogs? Awesome! You Tube videos? Sure. (But at the moment, I can't make any, so... I want something from days gone by... a courtship... not just a date. I'm not afraid of distance... but I know that many, it's a turn off. This is why, I think the writing would work because we can get out of our comfort zones without leaving our sofa's. (Don't worry... We'll see each other eventually...it will work itself out.). This would literally force us to behave ourselves, and love the times that we do see each other that much more.

"This would not work," you say. It is not for everyone. I am old fashioned... It is official. What doesn't work for me, is dating for the sake of dating. What also does not work is jumping from person to person... broken hearts and having to pick yourself up off the floor again and again. This is a perfectly socially acceptable process, but I can do without it. All the talk in the world about hooking up or being friend's with benefits, or being just friend's afterwords does nothing for me. TV never shows us the women who become pregnant, and the children who come unwanted, and the hearts torn apart by abortion, and the birth control that fails, and the broken hearts, and a loss of honor and respect for that which is sacred and must be earned... not given away at random. Extraordinary results require extraordinary measures. This idea has been mine for sometimes, but if you need proof that it's possible, look up Rebecca Park Totilo., and a series called "The Bride of Christ: The Jewish wedding Customs.". I believe in part 4, she discusses her own "meeting" her husband. By the way, I've tried EHarmony. I don't recommend it...it sucked! I tried Christian Mingle, and they were wonderful. A lot of possibilities came of it, but I am today, still single. I want a best friend... and then I wanna marry him! :). Is this realistic?

Twin Hearts and Timeless Love

I have a book called "When. God writes your love Story" by Eric & Leslie Ludy. For ages, I have felt somehow that there is something wrong with me because I do not date. No more. Being liberated and free does not mean that I try to manage doing something that I'm really not comfortable with for the sake of being sociable. As I've written before, finding something extraordinary does not happen when one is doing the same thing everyone else is doing. I don't believe in dating, but I do believe in courtship. The old fashioned art of being loyal to someone because it's the right thing to do no matter what the circumstance, and then seeing love grow out of that.

I've come to find that really growing up can mean being accepting of weaknesses, which at times can be much more tricky than developing a strategy and moving obstacles outta the way. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the latter. Amen when this happens, it's AMAZING!! But, this doesn't always happen. All I really want is to be very secure, and whenever possible... don't rush me. Is this unrealistic? I think so, because there is no perfect situation. But deep down, this is all I want. So, for honesty's sake, I need to start there. Going out in groups... Great thing. Movies, with popcorn (after we've talked a few times) great! But dating for the sake of finding someone? Well, they say it always happens when one is not looking, so, in that case, I'm not sure I see the point. :). I really do think that in order to have something extraordinary, you should be someone extraordinary. Now, I'm just as human, as anyone else, and because I don't do the dating thing in the typical way, I've had to wait a long time for someone. But I have a savior who is in control of my life. With his leading, I will be positioned n the right place at the right time... and so will Mr. Wonderful! The price He paid for me was not cheap, and so neither will the price paid by my one and only... but it will be well worth it!

As many times as I've felt as though the waiting would drive me outta my mind, and the difference was too much, God has always shown me that what he has for me is so much better than any short cut I might be tempted to take, in order to just get the wait over with. He calms me down, and I realize, I'll be okay! :). Jeremiah 29:11; Psalm 139; Psalm 37 (and the Story of Isaac & Rebecca in Genesis.

Very Real Pain

I've heard and seen a lot of speculation lately about whether the Newtown Connecticut shootings were staged (quote, unquote). I admit, I myself have wondered this. But regardless.... I think it's so important to remember that people have died here... both children and adults. There are families who've been tragically changed forever by these horrible events. I have read all sorts of things about memorial pages supposedly set up before victims had died, police and paramedics being told they were participating in a drill, parents being actors who were staging grief for cameras, the coroner being given false information, or even making it up as he went along, and also that the parents of these dear children were never allowed to see their bodies.

As I said, I also have wondered whether the whole thing was staged. But now I realize that this is BECAUSE all these stories and FB posts and tweets are out there! I followed that with an exclamation point because I've become pretty incensed with all the speculation out there. People are scared, and people are hurting, and people are angry... and that's okay. I don't think we would be human if we were not upset in the face of such shocking, sad events.

But now imagine you're a parent or a family member of someone who lost a child, their mother, their daughter. You're whole world has been torn apart because you're missing your loved one, You've just had the saddest Christmas of your entire life, and each one from here on out will be overshadowed by that same grief, you've had to go through the agony of the funeral, you're left with all your memories, and most likely, people are contacting you all the time so they can fly you somewhere so you can talk about exactly what happened and how it made you feel (!!!). Now add to all that, the pain of knowing that your loved one's violent death is being used as leverage for someone's personal agenda. Every time you turn on your TV or radio, or computer, or mobile device, you risk seeing that "agenda" staring you in the face: Gun Control. EVERYONE putting in their two cents about it, and on and on and on. People debating about whether or not this incident was real... while you know it was VERY real because of the gaping hole left by your absent loved one. Imagine this is your story.

Whatever anyone feels about all the "sub-topics" that have arisen from this heart-breaking event, I believe the ISSUE needs to be mutual respect for the family members left torn apart by these awful deaths. I would challenge people (gently), think before you respond to that FB post, send out that tweet, create that hashtag, or call that radio station comment line. Think before you post that blog entry or YouTube video (please). Think before you respond to someone else's video... who might read that and how will it affect them? Think before you decide to pontificate your personal feelings or take part in that joke (would these family members be offended or hurt by that?). Do you really know that what's being said is REALLY true? Let's have some empathy, respect, and perhaps just some good manners concerning these amazing folks who are in very real pain, and make the decision that we won't carry the pain or noise or debating any further. My deepest sympathies to everyone involved in the Newtown tragedy. My prayers are with you, as are the prayers of many others. Take care.

Roots

I found an episode of Larry King last night, in which he was interviewing a southern Baptist, two Rabbi's, and a volunteer from a group called "Jews for Jesus," (or was he the head of the organization?)

Anyway, this created a rather unique platform for each opinion, whether the individual was Jewish or Christian. Now, there was a pretty good amount of arguing going on, most of which was coming from from one of the Rabbi's on the panel. He was angry because the President of the Southern Baptists Organization and the head of Jews for Jesus organization were challenging the idea that a person could be "good" and go to Heaven. The other Rabbi did not like what he called their "propaganda". His point was that these Christian groups didn't really believe that Jewish people are "good enough.". So, why didn't they just come out and say so? He was also offended because they (Southern Baptists)use Jewish symbols in their pamphlets. His point was, Don't pretend to be one of us, when you are not.

Wow. Understandably, a lot of emotions flying.

Okay. Please know that my intent here is not to start a fight. To me, this is not about any one group being better than the other. I'd like to try and look at both sides and present possible reasoning for both ways of thinking. I will be as gentle as I can, and as respectful as possible.

Now, I'll use the Bible as my point of reference, so that you don't have to take my word for it. To me, this whole thing is not about religion, it's about relationship and emotional attachment.

The Bible does teach that Jesus was Jewish. His Geneology can be found in the book of Matthew (CH.1), up to verse 18, the family tree of Jesus is recorded going all the way back to .Abraham. As is Jewish tradition, the family line of his father Joseph is recorded. Now, the Bible also teaches that Jesus's own people would in fact reject him, and not believe that he was the Messiah. (John 1:10-11). Why this is I am unsure, as I believe many are. But for whatever reason, this is simply what scripture teaches.
Verse 12 of John chapter 1 is the key to what Christians believe: "But as many as had received Him, (He gave them power) to become sons of God, even to them that believe on his name.". In English, this means that we are saved when we confess with our mouth that Jesus is Lord.

Now, of course, many people, whether Jewish or not, do not believe that Christ is Lord, right? So, the anger comes when Christians begin talking about the H word and saying that people who do not accept Christ will go there. For Jewish folks, the emotional attachment is a perceived attack on their character, as well as their teachings, and their wonderful, strong attachment to their rich traditions. For Christian folks the emotional attachment is to the Bible, and what it teaches about Jesus dying and rising again, and being sure that they uphold it.

Now, couple this with the conversion experience of most Christians, and you have the most emotionally exciting experience in the world... an experience that Christians hope that everyone can experience! This is partly because the Christian knows how wonderful it was for them when they were saved, coupled with what the Bible teaches about the consequences of not being saved. But those consequences are the same for every person... Not only Jewish people.

It's a hard thing, because, who wants to hear that? Who wants to be told that? No one, right? Now, imagine if you're the messenger! Christians have the immense joy of their own conversion experience to "back up" what they believe. The dilemma comes because no Christian can lay their heart on the table so that someone can SEE that they are saved. It is the nature of people to be skeptical and need proof, so a lot of times, when a Christian tries to explain salvation, the other person can basically say "Says you.". Salvation is an emotional thing because it involves belief, without a ritual, or tradition, or ledger, or strategy. It involves trust.

Okay, guess what? Jewish folks, you're God's favorite, did you know that? Again and again in both the old and new testaments, there are references to Israel and the Jewish people being especially favored by God. (see Psalm 147: 20) It's sorta like going to a food court and loving all the food there, but having those specific things that you especially like, the things you look for first, because those foods are your very favorites. (please forgive the comparison to food, but it was all I could think of that everyone enjoys :)). So, Christians, believing that Jesus went to the cross to save the world, often have a deep love for Jewish people because their saviour was also Jewish. I myself have an endearing fascination with Jewish folks, because according to scripture, my savior is also Jewish. I think this is an amazing thing!

In my personal opinion, many Christians, in particular, Evangelicals, are a bit baffled as to why many Jewish folks do not believe that Jesus is the Messiah. I think this is probably because we believe it would be such an honor to have the savior of the world share the same heritage that you do. Please know that there is no offense intended here at all. I believe Jewish folks and Christian folks can gently help each other to better understand each other's positions. Again, Christains remember their being saved as the most awesome, wonderful event that's ever taken place in life, not because of what physically happened when he carried that cross up that hill, but because the Bible says that he rose up on the third day and ascended to be with his father in Heaven (!!!) :). No more pain, or blood, or anything that he suffered in those last hours. And because he suffered all of that, we too will someday see Heaven in all it's glory, and see Jesus as he is (wow! :) and live in eternity with Him (if we accept him as Lord).

Now, if you don't believe any of this, I imagine it would be quite difficult to have any empathy for those who do. Jewish folks, please forgive us Christians. We are not trying to feed you a fairytale, because we believe that what we are saying is the truth. Please know that a Christian sharing thier faith with you is not designed to be an attack on your character. All we really want is for you to experience the joy that we have found in Christ, and in that sense, we can tend to believe that Jewish folks are the most blessed on earth! You share your heritage with the eternal messiah...how glorious! (we think).

But I would imagine that most Jewish folks look at the slain Jesus as a terribly
tragic event in a rather persecuted history. I say this because one of the Rabbi's on the Larry King panel, brought up the Holocaust more than once. Looking at it from this perspective, how can we not empathize when someone who is Jewish does not believe that the story of the cross is a glorious one? I've heard many evangelical pastors ask the question: "Aren't you glad you were born on this side of the cross?". They refer to the fact that people who've accepted Jesus can drink of the joy that this provides, without the suffering (referring to persecution of Old Testament Christians,etc.) it's a hard history. A difficult history graced with amazing traditions and customs that have gloriously endured.

Apparently, in writing the Old Testament, every time the sacred name of God the Father was written down, there was a cleansing ritual that the author would go through before continuing because that name was sacred and holy. (At least, this is what I was taught in one of my college classes). I would imagine the author probably did not feel he was worthy to continue until he did so. In the Evangelical church today, we usually make no mystery of the fact that we are glad these things are no longer necessary (because they are too difficult and too much to remember, right?) Besides, Christ died for all that, right? It's all about grace, right?

Is it possible to take the grace of Jesus and trample all over it (maybe without realizing it?). Sad to say, but I've been in churches where the Old Testament is barely touched upon, if at all. Particularly in what are called "New Testament Churches" the old testament seems hurried under the "grace" of the new testament. This is an odd choice of words, but that's exactly my point. It's also an odd paradox. I mean, how many churches today are called New Testament churches, and their aim seems to be to teach people to forget their "legalism" and just accept Jesus. I don't think this is a bad idea because I believe Christ's death paid for my sins; but do we as Christians want Jewish folks to just forget that they are Jewish? Of course not. But I wonder if sometimes, this is what Jewish folks hear when Christians attempt to "witness" to them?

Do Jewish folks feel offended because Christians walk around being glad that one of their own was brutally killed and then his death was deemed necessary to save all humanity? When we take all the divinity out of the equation, and look at it strictly from a human perspective, it is quite disturbing and insulting and scary, and unfair. But Christians, are looking at the crucifixion from the perspective of Christ's rising on the third day and ascending to Heaven. We're believing in Chist's divinity and celebrating that his suffering is over, and ours is only temporary, rather than being eternal.

It is my personal belief that those who are Messianic Jews can be a tremendous help in these subjects, simply because they are greatly impacted by both sides of the equation. It is my understanding that a Messianic Jew, is a Jewish person who has accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior, while adhering to the old testament feast days and customs and traditions. At the same time, I've heard some Jewish folks say that there is no such thing as a Messianic Jew. In any case, I like to refer to the story of Jesus speaking with Niccodemus, and telling him that to know the father, one must be reborn. Of course, the million dollar question is "How can a man come from his Mother's womb again?"

Of course, the answer is that he can't. This refers to the "conversion" we experience inside when we accept Christ as savior. He changes individual hearts ( when we request it). As I mentioned, one of the Rabbi's in particular seemed rather insulted by the idea of conversion. His question was "Why am I not acceptable to God on my own?". I think Niccodemus wanted to know the same thing. :). (John 3:2-20). So what's it like for a Messianic Jewish person who knows Jesus as their savior? I've seen many churches which are based on both the Jewish traditions and feast days, and also knowing Christ as our personal savior.

Now, I've grown up in the evangelical Christian church. I accepted Christ as my savior when I was fifteen, and as a teenager, Jesus was like my divine buddy-pal. He guided me through everything, and of course, I wanted others to know the saving grace that I had been shown.

So my life became all about showing people Jesus. Now, in theory, I don't believe there is anything wrong with this. But, as I've gained a bit of wisdom, it has seemed that something has been missing from my faith. I know all the fundamentals were there: I'd believed and accepted His death as payment for my sins by faith alone. I went to church every week and enjoyed it. I read my Bible, and my little heart beamed with his love. But, where were the roots to keep my faith in place? I realize today, that they were actually quite weak.

I think that as we grow in anything, the challenges become more intense and the struggles more personal. This is what happened to me in regards to my faith...but AS it happened, I came to realize that the ground I was standing on was actually quite shaky. I did not persevere through trials very well. Instead, I would just wish that God would remove the struggle and then become angry when he wouldn't. The only thing I really knew was that the OLD testament was really really hard, and the NEW testament was really really easy. That sounds terrible, doesn't it?

My church taught about suffering, yes, but looking back, suffering seemed to be presented like an afterthought, or something that was always very temporary and very minor. Now, in light of God's eternal glory, suffering is temporary and minor. So what was the problem? Where did the disconnect come? Actually, I'm still delving into all this now, even as I write this. But an irony here is the way that Christ's divinity and humanity show themselves in each place. As I said, I believed that Christ's grace would save me (and I was) but my roots really didn't go very deep. I realize now, that this is because I (still) don't know how to suffer very well.

The interesting thing has been, that as I've examined churches cultivated in the Jewish faith, I've learned better how to cultivate my own faith. I think this is because of the way I've been able to see the way the old testament is connected or "bridged" to the new testament. I know now that the faith I had, while based in scripture, seemed so contemporary that I could not see where the "roots" were. Most of the time in church, the old testament seemed to be mentioned as a reference point to the new testament. Now, this was not always the case, but quite a bit. The angle seemed to be that the "ease" of Christ's grace made the ritual and repetition of the old testament unnecessary. Now, the rituals and repetitions and "sacrifices" of the old testament are not necessary to salvation itself, because Jesus became the sacrifice. This is basically the overriding message that always seeped into my head. This message is correct, as far as I was taught; but as a result, if I would read the old testament, I would only skim over it, and then go straight to something like Romans 8:28, or Philippians 4:4-8. Unconsciously, I was learning to ignore what was hard and just move right to what was simple and easy to hear.

I didn't realize this was going on until I got a bit older and the challenges of my life... became more challenging. I've had a very weak way of grabbing onto scripture that I did not have to actually look up. Looking it up was too much trouble. I did know how to close my door, and talk to my father in private, but as long as delving into the old testament was too much of a bother to me, I truly had a major disconnect to who my Father really was.

In my world, people seemed to acknowledge verbally that Christians need to learn how to be long suffering... but without really training us how to do it. I think the goal is to not interfere with whatever God may be personally convicting us of. But I know now that He could not convict me of much because I have not really been properly (patiently) seeking him out. My church certainly taught about seeking Him out, but there seemed to be a gap someplace.

Then one evening, I was looking around on YouTube, as I often am, and I found videos of some services from a Messianic Jewish church. I was not purposely looking for this...it showed up in some other search results. I did not know much about Messianic Jewish churches, but I was amazed by the Rabbi's attention to detail! He could take patterns of events presented in the old testament and explain things that take place in the new testament, related to seasons and moons and cycles and feast days and being camped out in the wilderness... All sorts of different things, that I had heard before-- but never like this! The Rabbi would explain the Hebrew alphabet, and the way that one mark on one letter would make an otherwise identical word... completely different!

Never had I thought of re-creating the experience of the tents in the wilderness. I did not know that a feast day, means a divine appointment with the Lord. It isn't just another day where people gather and eat (Although, that's a wonderful idea!). The Jewish calendar is completely different then the calendar I've always followed. I never knew this, and was very intrigued by it. I'd never thought of wearing white on the feast days to commemorate them. The Jewish day actually begins at midnight. Wow... That means, by the time we get up (say 6:00 AM), the day is literally half over! This is a completely different concept of time, that I'd never thought about before. My point is that all of the sudden, my perspective on scripture and my savior took a 180 turn. I was in a world where things took TIME and little things mean a great deal. And all because of a newly found appreciation for...the old testament!

Now, here I was watching this panel of people debate, interrupt each other, and argue over Christianity and Judaism The point was made that the Christian pamphlets had prayers relating specifically to Jewish folks. I think this was taken as an attempt to change those who are Jewish, rather tan extend love to them. I offer this: We BOTH need each other. We both need each other, and thankfully, we both have opportunities to love each other and pray for each other. The Old Testament is not absent from God's grace, and the New Testament is not absent from the law. In my own journey, I simply learned to address my own laziness and work on things in me that need change. I think the key is finding balance, because my personal faith had become too light-hearted, and I hadn't realized it. I would say with my mouth, Christ is Lord, but then know next to nothing about the first half of his word. (Let's face it, I didn't do too much better with the second half either!) :)

The initial act of accepting Jesus BEGINS with a simple prayer...yes. But the journey of having a relationship with him is a process that continues the rest of our lives. It seems it would be difficult to cultivate a relationship with anyone when we don't really know where they came from. Add to this, a microwave, drive through, credit card, have it now society; and it makes sense that actual relationships are rarely cultivated anymore. The customs and traditions and feast days of the old testament, and taking time for them, can represent, a dedication and care and "precision" that I had simply never even known was there.

The new testament, can be like a breath of fresh air that can lift the sting out of the suffering, and the grief out of the waiting. The suffering and perseverance through it, create the art of long-suffering, while the grace makes the process bearable. Both are necessary for us to be complete... Yes? The old and new testaments teach us where Jesus came from, why he came (the events leading up to it), where he went, and where he is today. They also teach that we all have a choice as to where we will go when we leave here. We can join Jesus where he is, or we can be separated from him, depending on the choice we make. This is a universal truth. (John 3:16). It isn't about a debate between one group or the other. Just love your neighbor as you love yourself, and care for orphans and widows, speaking up for those unable to speak for themselves... for this is the "religion" acceptable to Christ.

Matt.22:39. James 1:27. Proverbs 31:8-9. John 3:2-20 (Nicodemus)

Peace, love and best wishes to you, my friend (and everyone who was on Larry King's show that evening). :)