Cover Me

It's long ladies.. but I just have to share!!..

God is so good, and at times, his wisdom comes in like a flood! Ask and you shall receive...

I have realized now, that my defensiveness has got to go. I never thought that I would've waited for a husband so long that I would end up angry with the Lord because he didn't deliver. But this is exactly what happened to me.

I've waited, what seems like forever to be brought together with my husband, and, at some point, after I felt I really couldn't wait anymore, I became very hard hearted, and bitter. At times I've been on this roller coaster where I've repented of the anger ... and waited... and wondered, become frustrated again, and then angry again, and going before the Lord crying because I was angry again.

I've learned that it is very hard to relax and let go when pain gets in the way. I reached a point somewhere when I really felt God had abandoned me. Though this has NEVER been true, the hurt was there just the same. I got angry. In order to cover up the pain, I stayed angry I got angry and my defenses went sky high. If anybody tried to give me the singlness lecture again, I was ready to bolt for the door. I was ready to defend my position, and let my nerves show. I would go home and cry to the Lord that it wasn't fair.

I forgot to be still and know that He is God. I forgot that a cheerful heart is good medicine. I forgot that I could go to Him when I was heavyladen and He would give me rest. I became so defensive that I shut God out. I let myself be so angry that I had taken my one lifeline and severed it. I then wondered why nothing changed in my life.

"And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free..."

The truth is that narriage scares me so much that I have set up my own personal blockades against it. I have deliberately set myself up for failure, and then secretly been relieved when there was no responsability involved. Am I really afraid of failure, or success? I don't think I'm afraid of failure because when a person fails, they've got nowhere else to go but up... and this feels good. it feels triumphant, it feels heroic, and it feeds the perpetual adrenaline IV stuck in me.

I'm always looking for reasons to be on some emotial high Getting engaged and getting married are about as emotially high as a person can get. So what happens when the high wares off and I have to come down? I don't want to fall from that kind of high-- it's gonna hurt! If I can stay down low, I never have to worry about falling down, and experiencing the impact of hitting the ground.

The longing to get married creates a steady stream of adrenaline that keeps flowing through me. The seething emotions that come with the longing create more adrenaline, and the anger creates a lot of wining and complaining, which gets me a lot of empathy, and pats on the back, and counsel that I can analyze to death. This makes me feel incredibly heroic because of this never ending struggle I go through... which seems to be a struggle that I've created myself.

Ladies, this is a sickening pattern, but there you have it... my own prescription for avoiding responsibility and staying just low enough that I never expereince the impact of really... failing. I am afraid of failure. So if i can warm up to it, and make it my friend, I won't feel the impact of the fall. So what happens if I succeed? will I do nothing but wait for the other shoe to drop? Will I be waiting to fail? If I get married, how do I keep from "waiting" to get divorced?

It is true, I've had a terrible time being content with being single, because I Really Do want to be married. But the few men that've been attracted to me, I didn't want, and the few that I've wanted, haven't wanted me...perfect... no responsibility!

(sick).

There's one final element that the Lord has been dealing with me about that has pretty much sabbotaged me knowing Mr. Right. Somewhere along the way, I decided that i did not want children, and began telling everybody. There's just one thing... this is not true. I am in NO hurry to have any kids... but it isn't that I don't want them (or at least one). If I didn't have any kids, this would be fine, but it isn't that I don't want them period. The real truth is, this petrifies me more that gtting married itself. In my endless pursuit to try and control my life, I've given in to the backwards philossophy that says "I can barely take care of myself, how am I going to raise a kid?"

I can't take care of myself at all. Only God can do that. Do I believe this or not? God can take care of me perfectly, and also any children I had. I can say this or write it, but do I believe it? I'm just too scared of things I can't control. My fear of having children relates directly to my disability. Cerebral Palsy is not hereditary. It's an injury to the brain that happens at birth, usually because odf a lack of oxygen. Just because this happened to me, does not mean it will happen to my babies. On the other hand, this can happen to any child, whether the parents are disabled or not. If my children were disabled, I wouldn't love them any less (and God wouldn't either). This is easy to say, but hard to really take the risk. How could I not want something that I want so much? The heart is deceitful above all else, isn't it?

My defenses have also killed any gentleness, kindness, self-control and most other fruits of the spirit that the Lord finds attractive. I realize now that a fear of failure and a fear of responsibility will only keep me in a sort of "prison" I have built myself, and my defenses will only shut the Lord out. I had not intended for any of this to happen, but God has known that it was there all the time. He'll never give me more than I can bare.

A couple weeks ago, I was listening to James Dobson. His topic was marriage, specifically, the woman who believes she's supposed to be married, but she isn't. He asked one woman on the pannel (who was in her forties) whether or not she had "come to terms" with where the Lord had her. She was very gracious, and said through tears that it had been a difficult walk, but she knew that God was sovereign. This broke my heart. Not because this woman was crying, but because, how it must greive God's heart when we take the gifts he gives to us, and reduce them down to things we have to "come to terms with." The strange thing is, it had never really ocurred to me like that before. All due respect to James Dobson for his empathy. It was simply that a light went on.

So, I get to surrender and settle down... what a treat! No need to get excited. No need for an adrenaline IV. I get to allow Him to cover me with his love, and I don't need to cover all my bases and think I've got it altogether. How nice! Even this moment is a gift, and I am not being "deprived" of anything. Praise God... this has not been an eternity, only a season. And I can't wait to see what He has in store for me!

Boredom

It's possible to want to be married because you're bored. I think now, that this is why I made an idol out of marriage without realizing it. Marriage has always seemed like the one thing I actually believed I was brave enough to do, that symbolizes every grown up thing I haven't done yet. I would be connected, joined... one. Of course, there are many ways to "cure" boredom aside from committing your life to someone... thinking that this will fill in the gaps. I've been told so many times that if I'm not happy with my life now, I won't be when I'm married. The truth is, there are issues in my life that I need to face up to that have been easier to ignore. I think I need a regular job now (as much as I love writing). Sure, I'm taking a college class, but who else am I helping or serving? How am I contributing to society in useful ways? I don't think that blogging. watering plants and taking out trash is enough anymore :)

Grace

If my husband and I moved away to some island somewhere, and all we had to do was hold each other, I suppose, then, I could get married. But this isn't a deserted island.. it's the real world. I once heard Henry Fonda say (in "yours Mine and Ours") that it isnt going to bed with a man that proves your in love with him, it's getting up in the morning and facing the cold cruel, miserable world with him that counts. Anyway, it was something to that afffect. Will I be able to face the miserable world with this guy? Can I face broken plans and unexpected disasters (That may not be disasters) with grace? I know I can't have the answers to all these questions now... but I keep wanting them anyway. I refuse to base a marriage on fear that it may not work out. This is a recipe for disaster. I wanna stand on God's truth, and let him guide me.

I don't get it... if the dreams in my head are so much better than the real thing, and my life is much simpler now, why can't I just take singleness and go? If I've got it all right here, why don't I believe it? If I don't "got it all" right here, am I trying to say that God isn't enough? What am I missing?

Ladies, what time is it?

I confided in a friend the other day, some of my feelings towards guys, and just some general life happenings; and some of what I said had tremendous angst in it. My friend mentioned to me that more than one thing was happening to me simultaneously, and asked me to consider whether hormones had anything to do with it. Sometimes our body wants someone more than our mind does (??) I soon found that my friend was right. I have infact, noticed that during those times when hormones turn up the volume on my emotions, I desire "Mr. Right" more intensely. I pray for him more intensely. I wonder where he is more intensely, and I worry that I won't find him... more intensely. (Jer. 29:11, remember)? Sometimes, these torrrents of anger come spilling out of me, and I have to go in my room and silently "scream" to the Lord, because he's the only one who can handle what's going on in me. Married women help me out here... do you go through this too?

But I also tend to plead with the Lord more intensely about why I should be married to this man that I am most certainly lusting after.... (let it come quickly, I say). A woman's heart can be the biggest battlefield on earth! How do we contend with all of this, when our desires can turn us inside out on a normal day? During those times when the intensity of feeling is spiked up, and a hanger put out of place can make the world stop spinning, how do we handle it, when the desire to be in our husband's arms is drowning us... but we need to come up for air?

Maybe...

I've been told before that maybe I can't live with anybody... because "some people just can't." If this is so true, than why do I want to get married so badly? I've tried to go backwards, and say "Well, if I'm supposed to be single..." I know that if I were to be single the rest of my life, I could... God would give me the grace to do that. But I really feel that entertaining this idea anymore is now an insult in God's ears because He's made it clear to me that he has someone for me... it's just a matter of when. But marriage is becomming what we aren't for the benefit of someone else (to a degree). How does one do that? How do you surrender yourself for the sake of someone else? If I can't live with anybody day to day... how do I ever expect to be married?

Inseure about what others think of me. I think women are afraid to get married because they've been hurt by men, belittled.... so they get defensive. I think men are afraid to get married because women are defensixe. They're agressive because they're tired of the wrong men making them feel worthless. Not all men are this way. I've known too many sweet, wonderful, sensative, Godly men to think otherwise. However, sometimes, out of sheer frustration, I find myself giving in to the myth that all the right kind of guys are either already married, or they're not into girls.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.
Plans for good and not for evil,
to give you a future and a hope. Jer. 29:11

Fragrant Hands

A strange arrangement to comfort the heart--
Someone has made that possible
in the corner of the cell
with giving, generous hands.

and the air is now so softened, I compare it
with the Beloved's hair.
The air is so drowned, I think a body
wearing a jewelrey of blossoms has just
passed this way.

And as the air holds itself together,
a bouquet of compasson
I can say:

Let thousands of watches be set on cages by those
who worship cruelty.
Fidelity will always be in bloom--
This fidelity on which are grafted the defeats
and triumphs of the heart.

Should you, oh air, ever come across her,
my friend of fragrant hands, recite this,
from Hafiz to Shiraz to her:

"Nothing in this world is without terrible barriers--
except love, but only when it begins."

Faiz Ahmed Faiz (1911-1984)

The caption under the title is as follows:
To the anonymous woman who sent me a bouquet of flowers in (jail)?

(The very edge of my page was cut off, but this would explain the line about "cages").

Teach Me...

We teach people how to treat us. How will I teach you to treat me? I'm scared. We can't lean on God perfectly this side of Heaven, because human inconsistency gets in the way. God, show me how to say, "what can I do?". What can I do to make it better... to praise you in the storm... to move my pettiness out of the way? I've heard it said: "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half closed thereafter."
Lord, teach me to sift through and grab onto the good, no matter how hard it gets. Even now, while my husband is only in my mind.
"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, considering others as more important than yourselves."
Lord, can I love him enough to do the right thing?
I need all the counsel I can get.

My Darling

Darling, I miss you, though we have never met. How will I know that it's you? How will I tell? Will the romantic in my head leave me alone?
"Where is he, I say... Where is he?"
The idea goes on a pedestal again... of being with you, and building a life. When we say it's in good times and bad, do we secretly wish there will be none of the latter? I want nothing to be more important than you; but life's trials will take over... and sometimes I won't feel.
I won't feel your needs or what you go through; and say "I love you" through clenched teeth.
So will you. This is normal, but will it be shock-- as every idea pre-conceived shatters like broken glass? What do we do?
"Choose to love the Lord your God with all your heart and to obey him and to cling to him, for he is your life."
"Dear God let it be so!" I Love you. :)

I Kissed Dating Goodbye... Really

When Josh Harris wrote his groundbreaking book, I was so relieved because I felt like someone was saying what I'd always wanted to say, but didn't know how. So, I gladly kissed dating goodbye. and was proud of that. The thrill of the Lord finding my husband for me gave me a security and a peace that outweighed the false comfort of "dating" and being in "relationships." It also was a way of giving myself more fully to God. But there was a problem. My mind and heart were still "glued" to finding a man. I didn't see anything wrong with this, because I reasoned that it's God's will that I get married... right?

So, I didn't date, or enter into short term relationships, but my mind and heart were emmersed in the hope of being in my husband's arms... so much so, that, without intending to, I actually created an idol out of marriage itself. The journey realizing this has been long and tough (15 years to be exact). If God had told me when I was sixteen that I'd be waiting that long for my "other half," I think I would've fainted and then given up altogether when I regained consciousness. However, I've now discovered that this is how God creates his miracles. He stretches us further than we ever would've wanted, but then we come out on the other side, and find that God is still with us, and we're okay. I'm still alive and kicking and I can say with absolute certainty, that my life is awesome. I know now that I'm rich in Heavenly blessings and these are the best blessings of all.

Prayers

Lord, how can I pray for this man that I love? I love him without even seeing...
His face, his eyes, his favorite shirt... his smile that can stop me breathing?
For his fears and doubts and passons, how can I intercede?
When I know not his wants, or fears or creed in life, what can I do?

Okay, So, at the risk of sounding like these rhymes are forced, even so it's true. I don't know if I'm attracted to the romance of dreaming about him, or actually getting to know him in life. The desire to pray for the man that I love has been with me for a long time. It's more than just the "Lord give him wisdom," "Lord give him courage" kind of thing. I've wanted to know what his quirks are, his pet peeves, his passons, the way he turns in his sleep... specifics please! Having no idea who he actually is does not make me qualified for the job. This fires up the roller coaster in my mind. I know nothing about letting it happen naturally. There's a meathod to my madness, and I intend to stick to it.... I just don't want it to be the world's meathod.

Fears

What are my fears about marriage?

1. That one of us will say, "cant take any more" and want to leave.
I often get sick of myself, and spend too much time waiting for the bottom to drop out of things. I figure if something bad is going to happen, lets just get it over with.
I will test my husband, there's no doubt about it; trying to see how much he can stand, praying the whole time that he doesn't leave me. But on the other hand, what a dismal existence. How do I honor him and cherish him so that my home is his home too, so that he's safe, and he wants to stay?

2. Father figure: It should't be a husbands job to be a father figure. But what if I need one? If a husband is a leader, is he, in essemce, a father figure too? What if this is humiliating for me as his wife because I can't be my own person? In my "experience" a father figure is someone who belittles you and makes you feel bad about yourself and makes your defenses go up. I know this isn't God's view of things, but that's exactly my point. How do I replace my veiw of a father, with God; so that I am able to let my husband be a husband?

Modesty

On Sunday, I went to church, like usual, and was told by several people that I looked cute.

However, before I left the house, the thoughts in my mind went something like this....
"Your shorts need to be a little "longer". and your v-neck blouse (though you have a separate tank top under it) is too low in the front." Man, when the tank top is too low in the front, it's harder than hard to shop, isn't it?

I didn't obey God in his directions on how I was dressed; and though I received compliments from both men and women at church, I knew I had some repenting to do when I came home. Nancy Leigh DeMoss developed this cd pkg. called "The Attrctive Christian Woman" which studies 1st Timothy chapter 2 and Titus (ch. 2), dealing with women's dress, and the truth, that when we come to church, we need to come ready to face the Lord.

When I went to church Sunday, I was "self conscious" when I stood up and sat down. This isn't exactly ready to face the Lord, is it? (though he always accepts me). The truth is, I was desiring the wrong sort of attention. Scripture says "How beautiful are the feet of those who spread the good news" (though mine are rather strange looking). The point is that a woman's greatest lovliness comes from a modest heart. Okay, I got this from Nancy Leigh Demoss too, but it applies here. "The Good News," coupled with a well arranged heart is what the Lord is after.

I am single today, but I believe the Lord has someone out there for me, and who knows, maybe one day, when "I'm getting ready" to face the Lord, I'll be getting ready to meet my husband too!

Married/Single?

Singleness is a gift. Marriage is also a gift. Some of us are meant to be single and some, married. I agree with what a friend told me a couple weeks ago: If you have the desire to be married, then God wants you to be married. You know, the whole married or single debate... am I supposed to be single, even though I really, really, really DON'T wanna be? No. I've heard it said on Focus on the Family before that God may not have a mate for some of us who believe that we are supposed to be married. With all due respect, this statement makes me shudder, and I believe it's insulting to God. God knows us intimately, he knows the number of hairs on my head (Ps. 139); so he also knows every desire he's placed within me. Sometimes, yes, our passions are misdirected, and the Lord has to redirect (as it were) where we go; but I truly believe that if we have the desire to be married, then this is what God wants for us. That being said, I find it ironic that most people, Christians included seem to do so little preparing for what is supposed to be the second most important decision of a persons life (next to accepting the Lord). What to do?

Marriage

I don't understand why everybody (it seems) including Christian ministers seem to hold singleness as some sort of shining, heroic effort, while marriage is discourraged at all costs. In the world, we can expect that marriage would not be held in high regard in the name of independence or choice, or not wanting to appear old fashioned; but, as a Christian single, I find that the same is true in the Evangelical church: Marriage is not held in high regard in the name of independence, choice, and not wanting to appear old fashioned (after all, what if God isn't "directing" this person to get married?). As a result, marriage seems stuck on the back burner and never discussed.



Singleness, is regarded as a beautiful, courrageous, blessed, "you've got it going on" sort of liberating decision, while those who admit they have the desire to be married are told in every way imaginable, that all they can expect is trouble. The church seems to proclaim all of this, while admitting that marriage is honorable, and, the very first God ordained institution, while then returning to the apostle paul's desire that everyone were able to be like him (single and serving the Lord). Then, single men and women are assured that there is no need to feel like a freak, because the Bible says it's okay to be single. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GET MARRIED.



Wonderful, our God is good! What an awesome choice. However, it seems to me that singles aren't the ones who have anything to worry about...

If I remember correctly Gloria Steinam (Sp?) herself ended up admitting that femminism wasn't really the liberation she'd believed it was. For some of us, singleness is an ache that never seems to go away, and is often accompanied with the guilt associated with lingering doubt. Some singles doubt that they will ever find someone, they doubt that anyone will ever really want them, they doubt that their faith in God is what it should be because they're struggling with loneliness, heartache and many questions they can't seem to get answered. In the church, talk of singleness goes hand in hand with talk purity and staying a virgin (as well it should). Single people are encourraged because God will give them the STRENGTH to live such a life and stay faithful to him. These wonderful individuals (bless them:) are put on perpetual Christian pedestals and exalted while those with the desire to be married pick their hearts up off the floor, sick up their tears and wonder where their place is .



Because the divorce rate for Christians is now the same as it is for non-believers, it's no wonder that most people even within the church, wouldn't be too confident about encouraging marriage. So, with even the Bible stating in 1st Corinth. 7 that singleness is simpler, easier amd leaves one with an "undivided heart," just how does someone who has a desire to be joined in Gods oldest and most sacred cvenant get any support? The only address Paul gives to those of us who want to be married in that passage, is that we may (get married) if we wish, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion; turning our God-given place for a spouse into nothing but a need to remove lust. I KNOW there is more to the story than that... and that's so good because an ending like that would just be too depressing, don't you think?

Sweet

For as long as I can remember, I've been called sweet. This is great, except when it isn't true. I'm such a pretender at times. I guess we all are. I often confuse optimism with dishonesty. If I'm not optimistic about something, why shouldI lie and say I am? Because it might help someone to be posative about things they couldn't before. It might help ME to be posative about things I couldn't before. So, I'd say, it isn't lying, it's choosing hope over hopelessness. :)